Upside Down and Back To Front

I need to write, I don't know what about but right now I need nothing more than to write. I just read a blog that I saved offline in my favourites, it is an awesome blog written by a guy trying to overcome alcohol, drugs and depression whilst searching for his soul mate - and he does it very well, no matter how low he is, how much shit is running through his mind, how much he's crying and hurting he still writes, usually exactly about how he feels. And he expresses it very well. I don't know if he ever visits this blog but if he does, here's to you Spencer - I've posted a link incase any of you feel like some really good reading right now, whatever time of the day it is or where you are - I guarantee it'll make you think. www.spencersteel.co.uk.

This guy, and another called Ian have influenced me greatly recently, I've never met them - but who says you need to meet someone face to face to get to know them? Spencer says exactly how he feels, so literately and Ian is so selfless, maybe a little too selfless sometimes because no matter how sad he is he will always listen to and give advice on your problems, and the evilness of the male species (long story). Right now he is pretty ill, I'm not going to tell you how because it's not my place but take my word for it, my thoughts and spiritual hugs go out to him, and some carrot cake too (another long story).

I think I need to write on here a little bit more how I feel, those of my more regular msn chattees will know but others won't, even if you do I'm going to write it anyway, since right now I've no one else to listen to me - and I don't think I could talk if there was. There are things I don't think I'll ever tell everyone, but never say never, some things I'll just say and I don't care what anyone thinks of them - so exscuse me. I'm not crazy lady. That's the startling truth. I was given that name and persona by friends, it isn't who I am. I never needed to address problems and isssues as they arose - I helped and addressed the problems of those nearest to me instead. Since I've realised that crazy lady is pretty fucking hard to keep going, some days it hurts so much to get out of bed and smile, when deep inside, inside my head it's all dark. Some days I can't do it at all and to those people who notice I can't always do it, I am rotten to - I'm sure of it. I don't like for people to see when I need help, can't let them in, for fear of them shutting me out. I don't really like whoever I am right now, I figure if enough people hurt you and leave you - there must be something wrong. Very wrong. With myself.

I don't truly believe that anyone is 100% 'normal' - I don't think normal exists, most people I know who claim to be normal have some sort of underyling fear in themselves or doubt about how good they are, how much use they are to others. Now after reading that people are going to want to turn around and tell me to shut up and smile - stop complaining and get down to it like the rest of us do. But it's not that easy. How I feel has goddamn near consumed me for months, and forced me to do some pretty stupid things, some of which I still do, but I can't stop them. Not yet. I haven't hit the bottom yet. I don't sleep anymore, although my parents think I do. I lay in bed and think. Watch things running through my head, things I was sure I had dispelled from my memory, or things I never realised happened - but I haven't got rid of them and they were very real. I got a papercut yesterday and it was quite deep, from cardboard, but I didn't feel it. I feel all detatched.

I'm sitting here listening to the Lost In Translation soundtrack, after reading Gordon's account of it I had to hear it. And it's beautiful. It's sad. But I'm not crying.Saying that I nearly am, track 3 oh and 4 erm and 5 are very tender. Yesterday I cried, I fell to the floor in my room and cried. I was in the middle of packing up my stuff ready to move and all of a sudden I had to cry. Later I went downstairs and watched Top Gun and I didn't shed a tear - not even when Goose died and the bit where Maverick throws Goose's dogtags into the ocean. Those bits always make me cry. But not then. I'm not in control of myself anymore. That blackness and that dark envelope consumes me, totally sometimes, and I come round, anywhere - the office, the kitchen, I could go on, and I'm not aware of what happened. All I know is I was crying and it was dark. I could be in a room or an office full of people I know all talking to me, my phone is ringing, a text comes through, yet the feeling right then, the one that precides over all others. Is loneliness. Unexplained loneliness. Fuck.

Having read back over what I've written so far I can see how people would read this and run away, or sidle away meekly so as not to upset the odd girl writing this. But don't. I pray to every non-existent God there is that you won't leave me now. I don't need you to ask how I am or how I feel. But I need you to be here, around. Be the lovely people that you all are. Don't let this silly problem and post make you question your own happiness, unless you think it needs to. I don't intend to plant seeds of doubt in you, just urge you to tell people exactly how you are, what you're thinking and don't brush yourselves aside. I'm not advising you to be selfish or self-centered. Just honest.

I'm suddenly aware how much I've said. So I'm going. x x x

London Calling

Yeah, the title was the only song I could think of with references to London, plus I bought the album on the way back.

I'm not sure anyone I met even reads this page anymore! Occaisionally I think Davey graces us with his presence, anyway.

Got back from London last night, twas an OK trip although nothing really to do with what it was intended for, due to parental restraints.

It was pretty froovy meeting Keir, Davey, Conor and Chloe - even if it wasn't for long! Sorry about that guys. I'd have preferred a longer meeting, who knows if they would?! Hehe. No it was cool.

London was good too. So what did I miss?

xxx

Tales From Another Different Desk

Just got fed up of that poem so I arrive at work and decide to make a new post, a post with no substance but a post none the less.

I'm putting up my art exhibition at school today so I get to leave here early. Woo.

My parents are viewing said exhibition tomorrow. Not so Woo.

Went to a wedding reception on Friday, got bit pissed. Woo.

Had to get up early Saturday. Not so Woo.

Last day of work before London tomorrow. Woo.

Doctors after work. Not so woo. But also a bit woo I guess.

Time for me to go for coffee. Woo.

Boss coming upstairs. Not so woo. Wish he'd look me in the eye.

Talk to you soon
Apologies for the creative massacre that is this blog post, actually this blog.
xxx

Shallow Desire

Guess who got fed up with her job at the Audi/Porsche garage? This is pretty bad writing but it only took ten minutes or so and it was just to make sure I didn't yell at a customer.

I lead them this way and that,
So many of them,
They all want the same thing,
The money they already have.
If some day there is boredom,
Take some wealth and bring it to me,
I can show you what you want,
Those things you think you need.
The machines they gleam,
The eyes see,
The people want.
They all get.
I only serve those with money,
None of you with sense,
The showroom smells of greed,
Yours and his.
Not mine.
It's obvious I'm not ok,
They just don't care,
Scathingly tell me not to drip my blood on their leather,
The money removes the compassion,
Greed exterminates concern.
So as they speed away,
Leaving me in a cloud of diesel,
The cloud that inhabits my mind,
Is suddenly very clear.
They have money,
They have the car,
They think they have it all,
All I see is shallow desire.

xxx

Yeah

What shall we talk about today then? I'm all out of pointess ideas, and pointfull (?) ideas come to think of it. It's the heat, let's blame it on something else shall we? I might end up doing the whole thought train again so I apologise in advance if that happens. Firstly I'l tell you about my weekend then we can work up to today, good plan? I'll start with Saturday, it was hot. I walked to music centre and arrived almost melted, I know because Luke said I looked like I was about to melt, I think I took offense. Hehe. Then we went to attack Mr Livermore who runs our band with reference to the performance we have on the same day at the same time as the year 11 formal, well the year 11 Grammar pupils did then. We didn't succeed. We're going to boycott music centre, that is until next Saturday when we'll wake up and find we can't live without it. Tom's Dad phoned the president of the music centre in the end and got us all off, not sure how he did it. Ah well. Anyway then I walked home and almost melted again so I got in and changed into what was frankly beach wear, but I didn't care. What a bad rhyme. I got a tuna sandwich and some apple juice and waited for Dad to pick me up, which he did after almost squashing me. I wish he'd drive his own car. Then we went into town and did some Father's Day shopping, very discreet on my part I might add. At about 3pm Paul rang and invited us over to look at the stag weekend photos from the previous weekend which naturally I jumped at the chance of, until I saw one of my Dad and Paul in bed together. Though they swear there was separate beds and it was the camera angle. Hmmmm. So it was hot in the garden so we had some cold drinks and listened to some music, had some pizza, and obviously a chat. Jason and Tracey and Darren arrived then, shortly after came Darren's Mum, who I'm afraid my Dad has an unhealthy obsession with. All those people I mentioned are sort of 20-30 by the way, that's why the obsession of a 30 year olds Mum is unhealthy. I think. Some other stuff happened too but I won't talk about that now. When the sun moved round we piled into the deadly car and I was driven home the long way round to give me a chance to play with all the pointless objects and the things that pop up if you play with the remote. When I got home it was food shopping time with Mum, after I got yelled at for being late. It wasn't a big deal. I had my phone. So food shopping was a riot *sarcasm* and we came home and had some barbecue food with next door.

Sunday was Father's Day and very hot, 33C - that's degrees, nothing else Ok Keir? So Dad came round and we did the gifts thing and he left for, somewhere anyway. I intended to head over to Herm but a lot of my peeps were having lunch with their Dad's so fair play to them. I stayed home. Until about 3pm when we went to my favourite beach and did some swimming and beachy stuff, that was the best part of the weeking I'm thinking. On Monday I organised a cinema trip which was. Hold on. I can't remember which day it was. Shit. It might have been Friday. Buggar. Oh well. One day we went to the cinema but a few peeps, no names, had slight trouble with the bus timetables or their cars or whatever so in the end there was three of us. In the whole cinema. Well screen four anyhow. So we bought loads of sugar crap which we didn't eat and put our feet up on the back of the chairs in front. The cinema people looked bored, they must have been since one kept laughing at my unfunny humour, and promptly gave me his phone number. Mr and Mrs Smith was ok actually, a bit Hollywoody but good. Since I can't remember which day that was I'll skip to Monday afternoon. My last exam, French Reading. Twas ok, dare I say fun? I'm a freak. Tuesday, yesterday I did not a lot but got my haircut. Shorter and curlier now.

Ok the tedious diary is over, time for tedious crap now. I have taken my vitamins and iron 18 out of 22 days which I think may be a record for me. Yay. I started to mark it off on my calendar in the hope that I remember them better. It's working. Sort of. I went to work today and worked very hard, honest. Ask Davey or Chloe or Keir or Ben, I wasn't on e-messenger or anything. Not at all. Worked all day me. I also wore board shorts and got disapproving looks, I think I better wear a skirt or similar office wear tomorrow. Not tights though. There are cruise ships docked off the coast everyday just now, huge ones and St Peter Port gets filled up with French and German and Japanese and Americans. Gah, the town isn't that quaint. Can't they shop in their own huge hypermarkets or malls or whatever? Really, it's pretty and all but so small! Bad rhymes again.

My current favourite album has changed again, to Jack Johnson, In Between Dreams. Very summery and laid back and well it's froovy. Amazing how quickly those charity wristband thingies ran out isn't it? People don't talk about them anymore, I only ever had two. I guess the people still wearing them are the people who meant it in the first place.

I'm not in the thinking mood anymore, not readable thinking. I'm gonna go and, do some, erm. I know I keep on but I'm having a lonely day. It's not like I haven't been with anyone. You ever get that? Really lonely no matter how many people there are around you? No? Oh well. See you soon.
xxx

Questions

Have you ever woken up, looked around you and almost immediately wished that you hadn't opened your eyes or looked around that morning? Have you ever watched the news on television and wondered what the hell happened to all the good people? And your siblings, how many times have you looked into the defiant eyes of your younger sister/brother (delete as appropriate) and wanted to scream and shout until they did the washing up or picked up their shoes? Are there times that you just wish you were never here? Ok so I know that's a bit of a question overload, silly questions maybe but questions nonetheless. There are questions everywhere, anywhere, about everything and they spring up or are asked all the time. Our lives are built on questions, journeys to find the answers to questions and lost people trying to figure out what the hell the question is asking in the first place. I have to ask myself questions even when I walk into or out of a classroom, questions asking why I got something wrong, who told me the right answer, what relevance the question actually has to my life. There are a lot of pointless questions out there too, like how many bones does a human have? and what are the products of photosynthesis? when did Bob Marley die? Now if you know the answers then it makes for interesting conversation, I guess. But think about how many minutes you just spent reading and trying to figure out the answers to those questions, do you feel fulfilled for being able to answer them? have they changed your direct lives? I doubt it somehow. So what was it that compelled you to search the gloomy recesses of your brain to answer them? I'm not aiming to provide you with any answers, to be perfectly honest I have no idea why I'm writing this, sometimes you have thoughts that you just have to scribble down, answer tiny questions in your brain just by writing down how you feel. I think all you'll learn from reading this is that it's far too muddled, that's how I feel. I know that right now life is far from peachy, and yet still I find myself on a quest for those pesky answers. I remember things I thought I had forgotten, maybe hoped that I had forgotten and I feel things and do things I never thought I would. So being a human I embark on a journey for answers, teasing apart the tangled mess in my brain, trying to find the answer to happiness. Not perfect happiness because as Jane Austen said, "Perfect happiness, even in memory is not often common". I don't know maybe it is possible. Maybe I need to ask more questions about how people feel, why they did and still do things and what exactly happened. You have to ask questions to heal the past, but too many questions leave you back where you started. Perhaps that's another question, how many questions is it acceptable to seek answers to?

xxx

Nothing

I have nothing to say as such. I am 16 today. It feels the same as 15 yesterday. I have a digital camera now. How do I put photos on here? I'm silly. Speak to you soon. xxx

Niki's Thoughts

Hmm I'm going to be honest because I think it's the decent thing to do. As I sit here it is Friday night and I have just been speaking to Keir, now I'm at Dad's house and he currently has no Internet connection so I'm writing this offline - to post at a later date depending on what crap I type out in the next 15 minutes or so. I might not even publish this, obviously if you're reading it then I did but yeah that's a story for another day I think.

Right, or is it left? Anyway even at this moment, right now I have no idea what I plan to write about. I have no plan for this blog, then again I have no life plan so why break the habit of a lifetime? A short lifetime yeah but a lifetime nonetheless.

I can see into the neighbour's garden from here, not that I'm looking - it's a mess! They ripped all the plants out and now it's just an expanse, a big and brown stretch of land all enclosed in a scarily suburbian fence, painted in that Ronseal paint stuff that makes lots of promises, well it does to us Channel Islanders anyway. They pulled the shed down too, I've done that before and I strongly recommend it. Then again I was knocking down a concrete one with a big sledgehammer thingy that was very hard to get off the ground, let alone swing. Building the new wooden shed wasn't half as fun as destroying the old one. Same with the wardrobe I guess, the old one was hacked apart in minutes which was awesome but it took hours to make the new one, and there was no axe involved either. And the PC desk although that's a painful story, literally. It was dropped on my foot by my Mother, I'm not sure if I have forgiven her yet hmm... I like DIY sometimes, maybe it's just power-tools like drills and stuff but they are so cool! Some may say destruction but hey destruction is a form of creation. Ha saw that film. I worry myself.

Oh dear am I still writing this? I guess so, it's pretty much just all my thoughts, well not all because I don't want to scare you but it's either this or talking out loud and I'm not sure I feel like that, plus I have music on. I made it my study-leave mission to tune and repair an old jazz guitar today, it was supposed to be todays plan but yeah it was harder than I anticipated. It has been sitting in the corner of my room for about two years after I bought it in some thrift shop somewhere because it was so beautiful and anyway the strings need seeing to and it needs sort of gluing back together and some desperate tuning which was all I managed in the end. So it's rusty and falling apart but at least it's in tune which has to be something right? Talking of music, my sister has started to write songs. Oh dear. Now it would be fine if she could play anything and didn't listen to Girls Aloud but to add insult to serious injury, she is tone-deaf. It hurts to listen. I did write some music for her though so at least she is attempting actual music now, even if it is in a depressingly rhyming, tone deaf, 10 year old stuff. We all have to start somewhere.

What on earth am I going to do with all my art stuff when it comes out of the exam exhibition? I have three modules which is in total six sketch books, three portfolios and three large installation-type things. I have no space to accomodate that kind of stuff! That's why they have art studios at school I think, to address storage issues. However if you drop art after GCSE that's it, out in the cold, no storage rights or nothing. Not so much as a paintbrush. Nada.

I think I sit wrong. I am sitting here in perfect position, or so I thought and I'm getting some sort of sharp pain in my right shoulder, only the right one. I'm not liking it much. Hmm I'll have to think about this. Done. It's the shoulder I messed up ages ago, that will be it. Anyways. Ooh it's music centre tomorrow, yay! I think I might ride down, you know on a bike, I haven't ridden for ages. I don't know why, it allows a lot more time messing about at home since it's so much quicker, I can leave home later. Good plan. Hold on, just hold your horses a sec. That means going home to get my bike, past music centre and riding back. Pointless. I could ride Dad's bike if I made the saddle lower, a lot. Ok that's an even better plan. It has bigger wheels, does that make it faster?

It's my birthday on Wednesday! June is the best month, so many birthdays. 11th-Gordon, 12th-Jon, 15th-Me, Eilidh, Jade, 16th-Emine, 28th-Erin, Ben. That's quite a few presents to buy. I have been promised a boiled carrot from Rach so I'm quite looking forward to that. Oh do I have to tell the story? It's boring. I can't stand raw carrots, so I said I preferred boiled ones. I think you can figure out where dear Rach's mind went next. I coloured in my school planner the other day, you know those homework things? Well we aren't allowed to 'personalise' them while at school since they belong to school apparantly. But after you leave that year, they become yours. Oh the logic. So I decorated it with the pens I used to get my shirt signed. Bloody hell, Gold Against the Soul is really short. I have to change music already.

Hehe Shania Twain is here. Coming to a CD player near you soon. Did you miss me? Thought not. I'm not sure whether I like memories attatched to my music, bad memories. Is it supposed to help you forget? Or help you wallow in the past? I think I'm with the latter. Maybe this CD wasn't the best idea. I have quite a few bad ideas. Like the recorder. Oh I already said that. The London tube map is actually quite pretty in it's own right, have you ever noticed? Course you haven't, you don't have a copy on your wall. Oh dear I have run out of fruit juice. I have recently re-tried orange juice and you know, it's not so bad. Better if you make it yourself of course. So long as you remove the pips first. Seeds? No, pips.

Woo only maths, science2 and french writing exams left! That's actually five tests but hey, three are on the same day. That means that to date I have completed 19 exams, 19! I have Monday and Tuesday with no exams though. And next Friday me and my buddies intend to sail over to Herm for the day, actually it might be on the public ferry since the boat only takes eight and I have a suspicion that Adam has a strange aversion to sailing the boat himself, proper sailing, with a sail. Does he not trust my capabilities? Ha.

I have a really itchy hand. Does that mean anything? Itchy hand. It's starting to get on my nerves actually, scratch scratch. Hehe some friends came to my place after french yesterday and we did the music thing, twas so funny watching my string-playing buddies try woodwind. They have no lung power at all, none. It's really not that hard to make a sound, they were so jealous when I played up an octave too since they couldn't even get up to middle C on the treble clef. It was also cool because I can sort of play strings with the guitar and all, and percussion with the drums. Multi-talented don't ya know? Kidding. Not talented. Oh for gods sake who sings about black eyes and blue tears? Huh? Apart from Shania obviously. Oh I just remebered the other day when I was looking through my RS notes, the biggest red marks I had were not fail grades scribbled on my papers, no they were when I refused to spell 'god' with a capital G, it just didn't happen. Each and every time I forgot, since my teacher is a dedicated Catholic she thought I was directly offending my creator and ruler. Ha. She begrudgingly gave me a good review then since I don't suck at the subject, just the politically-correct-ness. We had this huge debate last weekend in the back of my friend's car about whether we could burn the little red bibles they gave us in year 7, is that really wrong? Not to offend any Christians, just because we don't or do in Rach's case, believe in god. Why is it that Christians, like Evangelical ones can go around yelling about their beliefs but athiests can't shout about why they think god is a load of bollocks? If they do they get frowned at and called disrespectful, yet people only quietly deplore door-to-door Christians and Jehovah's Witnesses. Athiests are out of line but believers are merely expressing themselves. Hmm that sounds benevolent and omniscient and omnipotent or whatever 'He' is supposed to be. Rant finished.

Oh dear I'm all lonely. I need a hug. There is no one here. I know, I'll give the voices in my head a little cuddle. Nope, it doesn't work. I need a person. I felt lonely all day and this post was helping, typing crap no one is ever going to actually read, but it's gone and caught up with me now - the big, red lonely monster. I'm scared. And the monster won't hug me, although I did ask, since he was here etc. But no, it's not in his job description. Have you ever noticed how much some people worry about what other people think? Like the yesterday we went into town and a member of our group refused to go into Pound World, incase anyone saw her and thought she was cheap. Give me a break? She is very image-conscious too though. I'm not. Hehe I look despicable all the time and there isn't a lot I can do about it, so yeah you'll all just have to accept it. Obviously my husband is free to adore me, although he better not be shallow because boy, I'll be a disappointment. Then again he'l have to see me to talk to me, so basically my husband will have to be the type of guy to whom looks don't matter. Not that I have a husband lined up. By any means.

"If elephants could fly I'd be a little more optimistic" classic lyrics.

NME festival guide. Depressing reading. I am going to none, no festivals. Apparently I should go to the Nokia Isle of Wight festival, and Glastonbury - that is my festival style. Ha I have tickets for neither. It was so frustrating last summer because when we were trampling round the New Forest on our D of E practice, all these happy, stoned festival-goers were on the trains and wandering around, some driving. And we were carrying about three stone each to visit graveyards, supermarkets and other 'Human Land Uses'. All the sustenance we had was some dodgy-tatsing lager that the assessor/our teacher gave us and some gelatine-filled sweeties from the overstocked and underpriced sweet shop in Lyndhurst. Oh and we cooked Spaghetti Bolognese, which would of been awesome had it not rained and got all diluted and soggy. Oh and we drove back to the ferry in a good old Ford, a Hampshire, 54 reg. Classic. So we didn't stick out at all. It was so fun trying to explain all the new UK registration to the other island-dwellers in my group, I was the only one with family links and regular exscursions to the mainland and my uncle works in a garage over there. It's really not hard to understand. And they're pretty old now. I've always preferred Guernsey reg numbers since they're only numbers, eg ours is 29952 and Dad's is 7435, no one knows how old your car is that way.
I've been writing for about an hour now, with only brief thinking stops. Sorry if I did post this and you're still reading. Anyway I think it's time the nonsense ended. And so it will.
xxx

OK so I'm at the neighbours and they have Internet, inevitably I did post this.

Protection

Back to the poetry I think, I intend to compile a list of my favourite songs in the near future however study leave yields many poetic opportunities.
Hmm this one may appear a bit pretentious though, I'm not sure. You know what, let me know.

Protection

Raise your hand to my face,
Lean in deeper,
So I can smell it on your breath,
Remind me this isn't you,
You're out of control.
He is sitting in that corner,
Over there,
Where you threw him,
My protector, my strength,
Now he lies cowering away.
You do it again,
Still shouting at me,
Cutting me with your accuracy,
Hurting me with your hands.
I can still see the look in your eyes,
I remember the alcohol stench,
I hear the things you said,
Everyday.
Worse though, worse than destruction,
Is abandonment,
He left me,
Watched as you tore me apart.
Only fear I saw in his eyes,
Desperation and weakness,
The collapse of my barrier.
I ran away from you and your words,
I still see you all the time,
But our eyes never meet,
Because you exploited mine,
I can never look into yours again.
I'll always be running,
Unprotected.

xxx

My Music

So here I am, it's some god forsaken hour of the morning and I can't concentrate on my story and I've written two poems so I'm going to follow in Davey's very admirable footsteps and compile a music list, my music list. I have around 90 albums in my CD rack, 90 albums spanning various decades and genres, some I listen to all the time and some I keep purely for silly sentimental reasons, there are also 3 singles - just 3. I must say my music taste has evolved and changed so much in about two years, largely based on recommendations from you guys, aww love ya - you saved me from 'Now' albums and Dido, anyway I digress. My top ten albums, compilations and otherwise. Some of them are currently in my Dad's cars and house, Mum's house and possibly my shed and anywhere inbetween so hopefully it'll be sort of accurate, although I can't promise all the information and titles are correct since I only really pay attention to what it sounds like, anyway don't make promises - they're silly. Right I'll stop this now since it's not funny and all you really want to know is my favourite music, oh and maybe how many typos I can make at 3am, so here it is:

10) Snow Patrol - Final Straw

Yup, sorry guys but I can't help it, I love it. My favourite track being 'Run', the music isn't top-quality but the lyrics are often there and I guess it really depends on your mood. It is a little melancholy but pretty chilled-out and hey it's just what the doctor ordered at this time of the morning, the space between asleep and awake, you're not stoned but you wish you were and you're not overly happy - so you go for Snow Patrol with the upbeat music and downbeat lyrics, a complete contradiction. Like me.

9) Anastacia - Anastacia

Yes Keir she is a loud american, a very loud american who also sometimes rocks if you're driving along (being driven to be exact but hey let's not split hairs here) and you have the top down and you wanna annoy people who don't feel like being yelled at by a bitter sounding american woman who has highly possibly just been dumped - or so it sounds. In all honesty she lives in my gym discman so she had to have a place really since there's nothing better to get nice and sweaty to, sorry for that image.

8) Damien Rice - O

You really need to be quite down to listen to this, some say it's bland and some say it's just plain shit but I disagree. He's been likened to Elliott Smith but I don't think he's really worthy of this accolade (we'll get to Elliott later). The best track being either 'Cannonball' or 'Cold Water' there isn't much instrumental here, it's mainly voice and accoustic. And anyway we all need to calm down sometimes.

7) Saxtet - Urban Groove

A criminally unheard of group made up of saxophones and clarinets it's right up my street as a jazz musician, the five members all have unique playing styles and they all write their own music for the rest of the group to play, they also all play different saxes and claris so it's a great variety. This is their latest album which I bought when they played in Guernsey around two years ago and I met them and did a workshop with them. Some groovy jazz to chill to and to dance to, it's got it all.

6) Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle

Personally I think she ruined it all with the dodgy movie with Rowan Atkinson and her latest album, this album couln't really have been bettered. Her style and band are sometimes similar to my now defunct band with its powerful vocals and strong drums on 'Big Mistake'. However my favourite track has to be 'Smoke' just because I sort of, aargh what's the word!, identify, I identify with it, and after you've realised personal connections in music there's no looking back.

5) Bob Marley and The Wailers - Legend

Ah Bob, what can I say? You either love him or you hate him, you're either stoned or you're not - not that it's necessary to be by any means, if you like it then you'll feel it whatever your state. This album has everything and it's all pretty beautiful, I can't really name favourite tracks on here because I don't have any! Perfect for listening to with special people early in the morning or even alone. I love it all, and true love lasts a lifetime - remember that.

4) Miles Davis - Kind Of Blue

Another jazz legend, one that I've been familiar with for years and years, donkeys years you might say if you were my Grandma. Anyway his music is timeless and continues to resonate today, some 14 years after his death in 1991. He had a unique vision and titanic power, the man who inspired my first jazzy notes and continues to reside in my top five so many years after.

3) Ok Computer - Radiohead

I did toy with the idea of putting The Bends here but I don't think it's really like their other stuff and I thought this one was the album that displayed them at their best, I didn't like a whole lot of Hail To The Thief. It was a recommendation to me of course and subsequently the first of three albums I have bought. I don't think I can really explain why I like them so much it's just that if you let go a bit you can allow yourself to be sucked in to a pretty cool place, a place I'm not too keen on leaving usually.

2) Gold Against The Soul - Manic Street Preachers

Possibly the trickiest decision I've made since I had to choose whether to study maths or physics yesterday, it wasn't easy I'm telling you. I seriously considered The Holy Bible since it's so widely acclaimed, and rightly so. However then I'd have to consider Everything Must Go and Forever Delayed and then you get pulled into so many possibilites, so I chose the first release among my collection and the album I've listened to most recently, I like 'Yourself' quite a bit.

1) From A Basement On The Hill - Elliott Smith

How bizarre! My newest album is the number one! Recommended by Keir just a short while ago I ran along to amazon and bought a copy, I haven't stopped listening since. I wasn't sure if you could fall in love with music that quickly after a recommendation but hell can you fall in love when the music's this good. 'king's crossing' has to be the best but if I had to list all my favourites I'd end up listing the entire album, so I won't. It's really depressing and deep, maybe it's the knowledge that he ended his life around the time of the album but as soon as you start to listen you're pulled into a whole other world, a dark and exciting one that works well on all levels, and at all volumes - I've tried. Yep this one is a keeper I think, so I would like to thank Keir, thank you Keir. Breathtaking

Right so there it is, sure you'll recognise most of it since you probably showed me the way to a lot of the artists I've got here. Of course several more artists should have made it in, here they are: Interpol(Keir), My Bloody Valentine(Thanks Davey), Green Day, Joy Division(Keir again), The Corrs, The Stone Roses, Shania Twain, British Sea Power(Thanks 'The Guardian'), Joni Mitchell, Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, Des'ree(Romeo and Juliet song), Meredith Brooks, KT Tunstall, The Libertines(god knows why), Simple Plan, Bloc Party, The Clash, Jack Johnson and any others I'm likely to have missed off.

I was going to end here but then I'd have nothing to do at all and I'm quite enjoying writing this although I must say I don't actually have anything else to say, so skip this if you don't feel like a ramble. Music is pretty much what makes up my basic existence, I started with the recorder at age seven - that was a mistake, the recorder is always a mistake. Then things started to get interesting when I got to junior school, I took a music test for aptititude from which the Guernsey Music Centre selects musicians to train and teach in a chosen instrument. I passed this test but that year so did a lot of people and there wasn't enough instruments to go around, so I waited a year before taking up the clarinet, about 6 years ago now. I have progressed through 4 different woodwind bands to get to the one I am in now and have taken 5 grades, the latest of which I failed but lets not go into that. I play with the band every Saturday for two hours and attend lessons with my teacher every Wednesday for 45 mintes, I almost gave up a while back because I felt that I was a bit restricted to Mozart and the like but I had a chat with my excellent teacher and we have an informal thing now where I choose the music and I go to the band on Saturday whenever I can, so that's all good. A mere two years ago I started playing the Keyboard with a private school and I love it, I've taken two grades because I picked it up pretty quickly being in the same clef as the Clarinet and now I basically play what I like, with my teacher helping with the technical stuff and chords. Ok so that's the end of the organised music, now we move to the fun, not so organised stuff like drums, guitar and vocal. My aural teacher told me I could sing and encouraged me to join a choir to tune it up a bit, Huw taught me the drums last summer, Dad taught me guitar and these three instuments are ones that I fool around with, write music with and generally have a good time with, whenever I can.

I mentioned my defunct band earlier which I'm guess some of you might not have known existed but it has done for the past three years now. Huw is always the drum man cos he rocks and he's played them forever, his sticks are like extensions to his hands, it's pretty intense. Tom is always on bass for similar reasons to Huw and he thinks it's 'good for his image' - we love him really, even if he is a bit shallow and somewhat naive. Now Jon and me have an arrangement, don't worry - it's all above board - and we alternate between guitar and vocals, although it must be said I do spend most time on vocals since I don't technically know guitar, I make it up a bit. I wrote most of the lyrics but if anyone else ever had ideas they were of course free to submit them and we'd try them out, we all wrote the music to go with them although only Huw and I actually have theory knowledge. Anyway we were good and now we are no more since Huw and Tom have left school and Guernsey in favour of travelling all summer and then university, Jon and I hadn't the heart to replace them so now all I have is the school jazz band, a small but happy affair consisting of 10 members on sax, clari, drums, guitar, trombone, trumpet and erm triangle. So I still have quite a bit of music in my life, thankfully! I think I'd go stir-crazy without it!

*Niki falls asleep*

Ok I think I'm pretty much done now since it got to about 5am and I fell asleep in the middle of writing this, consequently the laptop power ran out and I awoke and performed a pretty hasty file recovery operation, I continued writing all this crap at about 10:30am and now it's 12pm - I got distracted. Anyway I''m gonna have to get going since I'm meeting people in about an hour for lunch and stuff, maybe the beach since it's so hot and sunny, plus I have to go choose the music! Actually I probably won't get online to post this till tonight so not much of it will make sense but hey, story of my life!

Finally a mention for the awesome local bands, the members of whom I am great friends with but they don't blog, fools.
Theraputic Hoovering, Beaver, Andy Mason, The Cheerios Incident - TCI, 8 In a bar, and anyone else who plays at the hockey club or the doghouse on Friday and Saturday nights, you rock.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Fight Reality; Tom, Huw, Jon and Me!

Love you x x x

Company

The next installment in your bad-but-getting-better-trying-to-be-deep-not-sure-why-i'm-writing-like-this poetry lesson is below, it is entitled Company as you can see, enjoy - but try to keep smiling even if the writing is painfully bad. x x x

They're always there,
Always.
I think I'm sitting here alone,
But I'm not,
They are here, omnipresent.
Scratching, screaming,
Ripping, tearing,
Until I'm left in pieces,
Left to gather myself.
Only I can't, as soon as I try,
They are back,
Knocking me down again,
Telling me what I already know.
I'm worthless, a waste,
I always was - I'm only just realising it,
Now they'll never let me forget.
I lost my soul in a distant dream,
My heart was never really there,
All that is left is the pain inside.
The pain of another time,
A time I thought had passed,
That I had recovered from.
But no, I'm drenched in hurt once more,
I hope it's the last time,
I doubt it will be, I'm not worthy of the hope,
So the hurt will stay with me now forever.
They will see to that,
Always over my shoulder and in my head.
Sometimes they come out of my mouth,
I'm powerless to resist,
They've taken over my body and my mind,
Now it's nearly over.
I am nearly over,
Wake me up when it's all faded into the background,
Until then leave me here,
I'm not alone.

Nikita Le Sauvage 28/5/05

Watch as I lose control, watch

For goodness sake don't read all sorts of shit into this I just wrote it and I needed to post it, you don't even have to comment it. I just had to get it out here. Thanks x x x

I hate how I feel each and every time you offer me food,
The way it looks and smells makes me want to be sick.
When I speak to you it's never for long,
Because I'm losing control after only two minutes,
I can't trust myself to keep quiet control,
So I am silent.
I drift off in class like it doesn't matter,
It isn't my future I'm tearing to shreds,
I can't stand my lack of will.
Look at those marks,
They are all my fault, self-inflicted,
Still they bleed like my heart,
Tears from my body fall down.
I don't speak to you all anymore,
Only I know how I feel,
But me and only me blocked you out,
When you wanted to help,
I couldn't trust you.
The same music plays over and over,
The same books are read,
I watch the same movies,
Wallow in my misery.
Look at those marks.
That bottle I reach for,
Those drugs I take,
The stripy features, they are it.
They are the signs I'm losing control,
My help with something I don't understand,
I'm watching this spectacular fall,
Spectacular but subtle.
One person only has noticed,
Those fatefull changes that I watch everyday,
I must be doing well -
Not inflicting myself upon others.
Look at those marks.
And I'm falling,
Just like this poem I am sinking,
I'm watching myself as I lose control,
Always watching.

Destructive Learning

A voice is straining,
Desperately calling out,
Pleading.
It never relents,
Never shys away,
Always shouting,
Begging.
No one listens,
We have more important things to do,
Our gossips precides over his knowledge.
Discussing life, our lives,
Inperceptive of his vain attempts,
Selfish.
I am with these people,
Though really I want to know,
Need to listen.
Still none of us stop,
We're destroying this man,
His tie grows loose,
His brow sweaty.
We become more and more shallow,
Uncomprehending his desire to help,
It is our futures we are ruining, only ours.
Though I am frustrated,
Still I sit and write, oblivious,
Cruel.

x x x

Liberation Day

Today was the 60th anniversary of the end of the german occupation of Guernsey, from 1940-1945. It was a pretty big holiday for everyone but it's a day that really pisses me off, I hate how no one really gives a toss why they aren't at work. So the only logical thing to do was to write about it, here is the half-hearted attempt I came up with.


Distorted Truth

You all run around,
With your grease and sugar and beer.
No one remembers what really happened,
I'm not sure anyone cares.
Music thumps from loudspeakers,
Screams float along in the breeze,
Balloons fly into the immense blue sky,
You're all smiling.
Change the scene for a moment.
I know one who understands-
Who heard the real crashes,
He who saw the real collapse,
The one who'll never forget,
Is at home, in silence.
While you are here celebrating what he did,
What he fought for with his life,
He is trapped with images of death, crying.
You kick up a fuss when the piss-up is cancelled,
But you don't give a shit why you're drinking into oblivion,
Don't care why we're all here,
For you it's one big party.
To him it's the end of the truth.

Bittersweet

Now this story is a little bit down, maybe even depressing but I just got it back via email from my english lit teacher and she was pretty happy with it so I thought I'd post it.

Bittersweet
And she was upright, a cold sweat running off her temples like the ocean off a new yacht. Her heart thrashed against her chest like a caged spirit, desperate to get out.
She looked to her left and saw him, inside she smiled. His mouth was slightly open as though he were about to tell her the contents of his soul. The fitted, white shirt he wore to bed a stark contrast to her own, oversized shirt, his shirt.
The baggy shirt smelt to her like all she could ever need and want. Her own scent perfectly balanced with his. She could smell his life, his smoke and his friends. It comforted her.
Then she gingerly pulled back the covers on her side and with all the agility she could muster she grabbed a pair of jeans, maybe his, and flew downstairs.
The feel of the cold, rough kitchen tiles cooled her bed-induced heat, like a mother's hand to the forehead of her sick child. She pulled on what turned out to be his jeans and with her natural poise and elegance, strode over to the coffee machine and poured a large mug of black coffee - not that she needed stimulation - she never went to sleep, she couldn't sleep.
Then she walked to the far side of the old house's large conservatory, coffee in hand and stood. She imagined everyone waking up, how they felt and how many were happy.
Who knows how long she stood there, the coffee turned cold in it's mug, the sun rose and with the sun came people, people in cars and him. He silently worked his way over to her and pulled her into a spontaneous embrace. He knew how much she thought, he knew all about her past, everything except what she thought about. No one, not her therapist, her mother nor her oldest friend knew what she truly thought. Sometimes she herself didn't know what she was thinking.
Before she knew it she was dressed and on the train, today was special, unusual and she had waved goodbye and got on the tube willingly to go to work, for she knew it didn't matter, it wouldn't for much longer.

She laughed at the people around her, the overwhelming close-mindedness of them all, the self-obsession and the lies they were all wrapped up in. She felt sorry for them, pitied them and she laughed. They all thought she was mad, she knew she was but each other's evidence was starkly different.
The pills she took each morning and again at night to keep him happy, the cuts on her wrists, trips to the A+E with an overdose, all of them part-time solutions to keep her alive, to allow her to deal with the life she had been given. They were the coward's way out, the weak person's help with something they don't understand. That was how she felt everyday, weak and useless - pathetic, until today. Today was the day she sorted herself out once and for all.
If no one, not even herself, knew who she was then she saw no point in keeping everyone guessing. Had he not loved her, listened to her and protected her she would have slipped away long ago. As it was she clung on like a mountaineer on the edge of a never-ending ice shelf, terrifyed but thrilled.
At work it was all the same, comfortingly mundane. It was this over-whelming boredom that kept her alive, at least she could feel boredom - she wasn't gone yet, not that it would matter soon.
Six pm came, she walked up and up, flight after flight of stairs. Everything was perfect for the first time in her life, ever. The music, her life-saving pills, a blade and a photo.
When she reached the very top her heart mildly fluttered, like a resting butterfly on the Budlea. First she dropped the pills, watched them free-fall so slowly as though trapped in inertia. The music, their music filtered through her ears - completing her final moments. Then she cut and dropped the blade too, it spiralled down with drops of her blood with it, like cruel tears from her body.

The photo was her final image, ever. She looked, smiled and a solitary tear glided down her cheek, she didn't know whether it was a tear of sadness, or one of joy - maybe it was both. Then she closed her eyes, worked her way towards the edge to feel, only for a second the tranquility, stillness, happiness and the gentle breeze.
Then she leant, and fell, music played until the last moment when the ground made contact, her eyes opened.
The sun set that evening, beautiful as it ever was, maybe more beautiful than that last sunrise. That beauty hurt him so far down it scared him. He could not cry because he knew, in his heart that this day would come. The day she could stand no more, the day her strength finally evaporated - the day she was in danger of letting someone see her cry, a thing he knew she'd never do.
She still clutched the photo, her music smashed but he knew the playlist off by heart anyway, that day in the morgue - their final meeting he saw the photo and he left it with her, he had his own copy and he smiled. Suddenly he had clarity, he worried for her no more and knew exactly what he should do. He was serene. He knew how content she must have been in those last moments of her 25-year-old life.
Each time he saw fresh cuts, rushed to the A+E and brought her her pills he knew she was relinquishing control, slowly but steadily.

"No funerals" she once said, who knows why they were talking of funerals but there was no funeral. He took her ashes with him instead to the top of that building, his head as clear as he was sure it had ever been, as clear as the sea.
Her moment was recreated exactly, according to coroner's report and his knowledge of her, he changed only one thing and did everything else as he knew she would have.
But before he reached the place she ended he let her go, dropped the ashes into the oblivion. Then he cut his own wrist, just like hers, dropped the blade and looked at that picture, listening all the while to those sweet sounds. Then he fixed his half-open smile that he knew she watched in the mornings so often. He put on his fitted, white shirt and he too fell into love, down and down, forever falling. Just like her.

Misunderstanding War

What did you see?
Did you see the truth or what you wanted to believe?
Were all those decisions your own?
Or did you just not want to be left out?
I put it to you that nothing was ever there,
You caught the bad men - well done,
Then you carried on though.
Kept losing lives when you had all you knew there was,
There was never anything else,
You just didn't want to look out of place.
That's why when you saw tear-stained faces and broken hearts,
Your own bloody hands were invisible to you,
As must have been your own mind.
Surely you watched the footage, listened to your officers,
They needn't have all died, they didn't want to stay,
So why declare war in the first place?
I know as well as you that it was unneccessary,
Don't give us this crap about fulfilling duty,
We know you didn't really understand the consequences.
The permanent question though, has never been answered,
Did you care?
If it were your children, your wife,
Would you honestly keep them there?
Fighting to their deaths, for their lives.
You say they were instrumental to the reconstruction of that place,
But why did it need reconstructing?
Because your loyal slaves made it that way,
Convinced they'd be rewarded in the end.
No person should ever have to fight for their life,
You wouldn't,
So surely that makes it wrong for you to expect others to.
If no-one volunteered, would you have forced us?
To fight your battles.
Now it is all done, who really won?

Ok it's true - I've no idea what to write so I'm just publishing various poems.

Keep Living x x x

My Revenge

Well I promised that I'd offer my own alternative to the afore published poem so here it is:

My Revenge

If I ever see you again you will know,
I will not glare at you
Nor will I act indifferent
I'll treat your children as I would my own
And make sure you receive the best.
I'll offer my hand and maybe my heart,
You will be my equal.
Despite the pain you caused,
And the people you destroyed,
I will watch out for you, protect you.
I know you will be unable to look me in the eye,
But I also know that in you feeling my pure love,
I will have my revenge.
Unlike you I am not greedy,
So I will be content with this.
I won't harm you though I can see the injustices,
Because you, unlike me, will never be free
Human compassion will be my revenge.

Nikita Le Sauvage

Keep Living x x x

Revenge

My personal revenge to you will be your children's
right to schooling and to flowers.
My personal revenge will be this song
bursting for you with n more fears.
My personal revenge will be to make you see
the goodness in my people's eyes,
implacable in combat always
generous and firm in victory.
My personal revenge will be to greet you
'Good morning!' in the streets with no beggars,
when instead of locking you inside
they say, 'Don't look so sad,'
When you, the torturer,
daren't life your head.
My personal revenge will be to give you
these hands you once ill-treated
with all their tenderness intact.

just a poem i did in english today, i liked it

keep living x x x

Long time no speak!!!

Wow its wierd writing a new post. Firstly my internet broke so i couldnt get online! Therefore my computer forgot all my passwords, including the sign in to this blog. So i applied to get it sent to me, then hotmail broke so i couldnt see the email the blogger people sent!
To cut a long, and frankly rather dull, story short. i now have my own laptop and can see all my mail, everything is ok.
Anyways now we're back to school i guess we'll either speak more or less, depending on who decides to actually get down to some schoolwork, and who sits on msn hoping for scintillating conersation. Whilst i cant promise that my conversation will be scintillating, it'll most likely be silly and kinda down, it'd still be nice to speak again.
Ok well i have to go now but i promise i'll update this properly soon.

Keep living x x x

voy loco

Just felt like a new post because im tired of the old one and only 2 people commented anyway, if you feel like saying hi then feel free, if not then fine.
Keep living x x x

Misty Windows

Thanks Gordon, just yeah thanks - haven't spoken on msn for ages but hope you had a good day. Laura erm oh yeah it looks like fun but don't do it if you don't have time!! I'll see you later bout it.
I found this poem and felt like sharing it.

Misty Windows

Lucky are those with the truth
Not often true to nature
Revealing, open and often windows to the soul
Shrouded in mystery, no-one can come in
So many are misted up
Mine are crystal clear
But who cares? They're mine, only mine
Those which matter are fitted with rose-coloured lenses
Yours can't see in, past this facade
To you mine are misty windows
Interpret them how you will
However to those who truly care
My misty windows are clear.

Keep living x x x

Crying, kissing and boredom

This post is a bit of a mixed bag really; I give you the story of my life! No seriously you all know what’s been happening in my life recently so I’ll not bore you with details again, I’m at home and very, very bored again. Today is the first day I’ve been left on my own all day so I thought I’d utilise the time and write a new post, a post which got it’s title from a song I am currently listening to, but a title which is also quite appropriate.
Firstly: crying. A lot of crying has been going on round here recently, on my part and the parts of others – both of which were induced by me, not purposely I might add. Ever been suspected of something, but now openly asked? Well that’s what’s happening to me currently, if people just ask it’d be a hell of a lot easier, and less painful I think. Anyway you should all keep smiling because right now, smiling and happiness sounds like heaven to me.
Secondly: kissing. It’s nearly Valentines Day, that day that is so commercialised – it’s almost like Christmas. I’m not a fan personally, but then I would be cynical since I’ve no one to share it with. I don’t know, maybe it makes sense when you have someone to give you soppy cards and roses, or to give them to – Gordon? Is it bearable? I’ve only ever received one card and that was when I was 8 anyway, cards from my Dad don’t count – since he gives them to his girlfriends too.
Thirdly: Boredom. I’ve kinda already covered this, I’ve been home all week – in various beds all the while. Still it was a good opportunity to write I guess, I wrote a lot of stuff. I can’t make up my mind if it’s a good thing to be left with your thoughts or not. Lying down on your own there’s nothing to do but think – analyse everything, everything I’ve done and everything I want to do, all my thoughts are there with me – and there were a fair few bad ones. I think it’s bad because I almost went stir – crazy being trapped with only myself and my notebook and pen to share all these contemplation’s with.
Lastly: I just want to publicly announce, to all …5 of you, how much I congratulate Dame Ellen MacArthur on successfully circumnavigating the globe, alone – a woman who must know a lot about being with her thoughts after 71 days at sea. Words can’t really describe how much I admire her.

Keep living x x x

The Gym

Perhaps not one of my most scintillating topics but it is, after all, a topic and a topic that I previously mentioned nonetheless.
This post is to induce some enlightenment among those of you who’ve never been in a gym, never want to or are merely curious. You have all spoken to me on MSN and the like and know that I am an averagely normal person, so, this post is also to clarify that the gym is not purely for fitness fanatics and can actually be quite fun, if you really want it to be.
So I shall begin on the mysteries, myths and downright absurdities that we call ‘the gym’.
Every new applicant to my gym is required to go on an induction course before being let loose among the high-tech machines, which is probably a good idea I guess. For my induction I opted for a one-to-one affair with my dad as my supervising parent, this I thought was a touch of genius as he used to be a fitness trainer himself.
After the humiliation of being weighed by a complete stranger (and a rather good-looking one at that) the big white doors of the gym are flung open to reveal the horrors inside. All that can been seen all around are sweaty people, ‘pod people’, and the just plain weird people, at the moment I consider myself to me a little more sane than these people, however earphones in my ears and after a brisk ride I fit in just fine.
The induction is really boring, you have a workout program tailored to your specific needs and you are led through the mass of sweaty bodies to various machines which do resemble medieval torture devices. After learning to walk without your hands clamped to the sides of that lethal conveyor belt, the treadmill, then run, row, peddle and ‘x-train’. All of this first session is low impact but after learning that I am to attend 4 times a week, I fear that this is the first and last session that the sweat on my brow is that of fear and panic, rather than physical exhaustion.
I continued with this absurdity on a regular basis for the duration of 2004, gradually getting faster, pedalling further and finally beating that annoying regular guy on the rowing machine. My only motivation, besides the distant promise of the sea viewed from the giant windows, is the health suite, a bizarre cooking affair if I ever did see one. Roasted people in the sauna, steamed people in the steam room and boiled people in the Jacuzzi, I am somewhat sceptical of these three ‘relaxation techniques’ but add a few friends and they become really quite fun.
My aim this year was to cut down on my gym intake, deeming my body quite fit enough as it was without requiring almost 6 hours of training a week, so I have so far only attended the torture-chamber one day a week, a Sunday for a mere 2 hours.
In these two hours I follow this bizarre-looking program, merely added to this post to pad it out a little:
Warm up – 4kms, level 10 cycling
20mins, level 5 cross-training
20mins, speed 9km/hr running
20mins, level 10 rowing
50 crunches (average)
3kms running
A few more crunches
And a final 100calories worth of rowing
As I draw this post to a close I have probably not convinced anybody of the points I mentioned earlier, made myself sound even more strange than your previous suspicions and put across the idea that I am some super-fit hottie, which Keir will testify that I am not. However I have maybe added a touch of humour to the gym, convinced you that you’ll never join a gym or maybe at least just wasted 5 minutes of your time.
So anyway, I’ll go now but talk to you soon
Keep Living x x x

PS It has been mentioned my friends of mine that i have no respect for MSN 'status' therefore if anyone logs on and sets to 'busy' or 'away' i will keep well away, and only speak when spoken too. x x x

Niki's Sunday

Well once again MSN is not cooperating so i am online, but unable to chat to you. So the obvious short-term remedy to this predicament is to write a pointless post, so here it is;

Sunday in my world is always relaxed, i have things to do but no schedule to stick to. There's homework and the gym, both of which have to be done.

This sunday was no exception, i was rudely awoken today, unusual for a sunday. At around 11am i hear a distant thumping, a thumping outside of that in my head and then a loud voice, deep inside myself i know that i should throw off my saturday-night-induced-comatose state but i am reluctant. Then my door is thrown open and standing in the doorway, a large man, who turns out to be my Dad. I hear the words "gym" and "now", i don't like them much.

Nonetheless my dad is stubborn and will not leave until i am dressed and on my way, so within 1/2 i am blinking in the bright light, wondering when Guernsey got to be so cold. In another few minutes i find myself reluctantly on the treadmill, running, because when you don't run you fall off. After only around 15minutes of this ludicrous activity i decide that enough is enough and promptly fall off, a little more awake by now. I dutifully make my way around the gym, through pounding music and past disgusting sweaty people unitl my program is done, my CD has finished and i am knackered.

A long, hot shower later i am finally awake, at 1:30pm. I walk home and collapse into a sandwich, which i then eat in front of the tv, i stay here for several hours. Various people come and go, some of which live here, some that don't, some that i know and some that i don't. I watch a movie and then Ski Sunday before i am rudely awoken once again by the abysmal sound of atomic kitten being played on my little sister's stereo and a few minutes later her tone-deaf voice singing along. This is enough for me so i sprint upstairs, close my door and turn my stereo up. Only to be yelled at that tea is ready 15minutes later, i dubiously stick my head out of my door, and am relieved to hear that the teen-tack-trash has been switched off, i eat my tea.

This done i retreat upstairs once more to fill in some summer forms and do my laborious physics assignment before texting some friends and, when i hear my sisters coming up to bed, i come down to turn this computer on. To my dismay MSN will not work so after some refreshingly abusive language i sit down to write this.

Currently my phone is ringing, my music blaring and possibly everyone in St Peter Port is yelling at me but you know what? I really don't give a shit because sunday is nearly over and tomorrow the world will climb back into their mundane little goldfish bowls, oblivious to the world around them and my music blaring when i should be at school.

Have a nice week

Keep living x x x

Revelations

I have to admit that when Gordon mentioned that poem i did wonder what the hell he was on about, but when i go and take look-see for myself it is my poem!! Written in year 6 - when i was 10, posted by my teacher at the time Mrs Davey. I cannot believe i never knew that it was online. Anyway here it is:

"Composed standing over the blue mountain"

This place now doth like a garment wear,
I look from this point, these Blue Mountains.
This is a calm, serene place
All is quiet and clear, the other islands are visible.
This beautiful place.
Opens unto sea, rocks and the town.
Ne'er did the sun more beautifully sleep over this point.
Morning is breaking but still all is soundless,
Except for the distant horn of a huge ferry.
Ne'er saw I, never felt, a calm so gentle,
The sea swishes at its own sweet will.

Keep Living x x x

Blah

Not much hapenning, just felt compelled to write. Thanks for all the good lucks and stuff although exams have truly gone very badly so far.

Although i am liking study leave, utilising my new-found freedom to play music really loud and i'm liking coming and going as and when i feel like it.

Well i am now immersed also in 6th form applications and interviews and shit like that, if they base it on these mock results i'm really not gonna get far.

Anyway i'm rambling now so i'll go.

Keep living x x x

De amigo a verdugo - From a friend to a tormenter

Siempre he vivido al lado del mar. Era nuestro amigo y nuestro sustento. Pero ahora me asusta.
Antes, el sonido de las olas era música para mis oídos. Ahora tengo pesadillas de olas entrando en mi casa y llevándonos lejos. Nunca pensé que el mar también podía ser destructivo.
A pesar de todo, todavía amo el mar. Soy un isleño. No puedo irme lejos del océano.

Don't adjust your machines!! This is intended to be in spanish, it was my 5 minute test for today - to translate it from spanish to english. I will put the english below but i just thought that you might like to read it in the original spanish first. It relates to the tsunami disaster and it's my own wierd way of recognising the scale of the thing. Respect the sea.

English: I've always lived by the sea. It was our friend and our livelihood. But now it frightens me.

Before, the sound of the waves was music to my ears. Now i have nightmares of waves entering my house and carrying us. Never did the sea could be so destructive.

In spite of everything i still love the sea. I'm an islander. I could never take myself far from the sea.

That's it, your spanish session for today is now complete. Be careful out there.

Keep living x x x

The Big City

Hey everyone this post comes to you from Southampton where i am currently residing, christmas was okay i guess, this week stuck in with my family is a bit of a nightmare though.
The wager between dave and i is that he said i'd fail no more than one exam, i wasn't so sure so he said when i don't fail my exams i have to admit that i was wrong or something like that, he will lose though. i've not studied one bit and the exams are on the 14th for two weeks, ah well.

I like it here, we live 10 miles out of the city center and when i wake up the ground is white with frost, i can hear the distant rumble of the motorway in the distance, this comforts me. It's literally freezing though i bought my offshore jacket thinking i'd never need it but i really do, it's bitter and harsh like winter should be. I have only two days left here now before i'm home to warm and dreary guernsey, back to the place where everyone knows me but no-one does.

keep living x x x and happy new year, a big hug in lieu of tonight

Erm...yeah

Just got fed up of the old post i guess! I don't have a lot to say, I mean Merry Christmas to all, and happy winter solstice for yesterday if Christmas doesn't sound so appealing this year to you, I'm having doubts about it myself to be honest. Anyway try and smile at least on the 25th and don't work too hard all of you out there with exams soon, try to lay back despite them being horrible and emotionally and physically draining. Sorry i'm smiling See you soon Keep living love niki x x x

Welcome to my truth

I have been having a bit of a crap time lately, I’ve not told many of you, I don’t know why. However a wise someone recently very accurately pointed out that this blog is merely an online journal to which people can add comments to, so I thought now was a good time to tell this page about myself.
One of the (many) things that have been bringing me down is how little people know about me, anyone who reads this page included. So I shall begin.
I was born Nikita Elizabeth on the 15th June 1989, 15 days late. My mum was unable to deliver me and it took that long for the doctors to realise that maybe I needed a little help in there, and so I was brought into the world by caesarean section at about 22:10pm.
I was my parents first child so naturally my birth was everywhere, The Guernsey Press and The Hampshire Chronicle included. I was barely awake when at three weeks I made my first trip to my ‘homeland’ of Southampton, Southern England. Since that day I have made 54 trips, 108 flights on various airlines, Manx airways, KLM, BA, Jersey European, AirUK and Flybe to name a few – I don’t even have a frequent traveller card!
My birth prompted a move – 3 houses up the road! From a top floor flat to a Victorian terrace. The next four years of my life were quite boring really, aside from an incident during which I was dropped down the stairs, causing my shoulder to become dislocated – I’ll never let my mum forget that!
When I was four ‘mis padres’ decided that I wasn’t enough and so my sister, Jemma was born in July of 1993, things started to go downhill. My father had an affair and moved out prompting a move back to my mother’s place of birth, Southampton. Here we stayed for a little under a year before we transferred back and I moved to Amherst primary school. My parents were then happily separated for 8 years, my dad became a weekend father and I was his from 10am-2pm on a Saturday. When she was old enough Jemma came too.
Like everything this story has an exception, when I was 10 my parents had a brief moment of madness and produced my second and final sister Emily in November of 1999. This caused my fathers long-term relationship to end and I helped him to move to his own place, after a large and scary boxing day fiasco, the details of which you will have to ask since they aren’t pretty, if you want to. Anyway here my father stayed until he moved to my Grans house, to which he built a ‘bachelor-esque’ extension on the side of, it is here I visit so often to get away or to get pissed.
But wait I have missed a large event, the final divorce of my parents, one month after my 12th birthday, this ended any long-holding dreams is might have of any sort of ‘re-joining’ of my parents.
There are select events that I have left out so far – those who want to know will have to ask on MSN as right now I don’t think I can publicly declare them to everyone at once, individually I can do it I think, but whatever.
As my father was only cohabiting with my mother during my early years, I have the best relationship with him out of all of my sisters, as should be expected. It is my father whom I have fun with, my mother who guides me through the trials and tribulations of being a teenage girl. The bond between Jemma and Emily with my mum is stronger – they were solely her children, not my fathers, besides I forgave my adulterous father a little too quickly for her liking I think.
I go out with my father every Saturday now, and whenever I can, it’s not a perfect relationship but what relationship is? He teaches me how to survive in the big world and he has been through a lot, his life-experience is immense. Many of my friends are adults, male and female though predominantly male, I met them on those Saturdays in the pub, I was Martyn’s cute little daughter. They are the ones who make me laugh and who teach me what I must be like when I’m pissed! Some people think that my fathers actions during my early years were irresponsible – not me, I value them, if I ever need anyone I have someone, many of the men and some women are, like my dad, security guards as well as their regular jobs, so I am always safe.
I think that the things I’ve been through with my dad have made me so much more emotionally mature than many of my (school) friends, I know that shit happens to everyone and how it happens – a good start in life I think.
I doubt this post’ll help me but it does let you know how I came to be who I am, even if none of you were real then at least this page knows me, Nikita.
Thanks and keep living love
Nikita, Niki etc.

Guernsey, Channel Islands

This post, is really not good, i am rubbish with computers! I have had to paste links to photos from other sites as i don't have a digital camera, and they won't let me paste them! Enjoy my sorry effort! http://www.lefriquethotel.com/Cobo_Bay.html http://www.lefriquethotel.com/Petit_Bot_Guernsey.html http://www.lefriquethotel.com/Castle_Cornet.html http://www.lefriquethotel.com/Marina_Guernsey.html http://www.lefriquethotel.com/Pleinmont_Point.html That's it! Sorry christmas is coming and i hope to get a camera - so you can see guernsey through my eyes. Keep living x x x

Missed Ya!!

Sorry!! i've been neglecting the page again, i've just discovered messenger! anyway, any addresses i don't have - let me know! I've been quite busy with various detentions - not my fault (much) and carol service rehearsals, so not a lot to write about. This post is just to show i care!! Anyone with topic suggestions - please let me know!! Thanks Keep living x x x

The extraordinary journey of the table tennis ball

Hello!! How y'all doin'? I'm not so bad I guess.

Today was games period and the first of three weeks of table tennis sessions, none of which i am allowed to take part in, but oh well it's just as fun, sorry boring to watch. Have you ever played/watched, it's the dullest thing ever.

The highlight of the two hour session was when a cheeky little table tennis ball decided to make a break for freedom, my normal partner Tom decided to whack a ball at me 'cos i wasn't scoring properly, but his not-so-cunning-plan backfired on him, ha! The ball saw it's chance and made for it! This hall is huge and it's got 14 tables in it, as the only one not taking part i was awarded the job of cheif inspector on this important case. There were times when i thought, by golly i've found it! but alas no, the little buggar was just to fast for me.

A whole hour i searched high and i searched low, but could i find the little bastard? No, i couldn't. My sports teacher wasn't having any of it though and when we did the ball count at the end i was deading her punishment, literally sweating with nerves but what did we find? Not one ball was missing! Someone had found it, although i do suspect that Tom had it all along, bastard. Anyway i love him really and we found the ball, although i am dreading what i'll have to do for a whole two hours next week.

One good thing came out of this little escapade, i found out the badminton is along the road right opposite my Dads house, i didn't notice it until we came out and i saw his Jaguar(what he was doing home at 1:15 i don't know, he doesn't take lunch break) parked outside. Can you believe, i didn't recognise my own Dad's house first time? I had to see his car, aaargh I must go round there more often and avoid meeting at the pub.

Anyway, I must go now I've got my 6month blood test in an hour, to check my iron levels (i'm not pregant, just anaemic!!)

keep living x x x
(the clock on here is screwed, it's like 4:30pm, not 7:50pm. if it were 7:50 then i'd have missed the doctors, which i wouldn't(!!))

Spiralling

Hey everyone!
How are you all doing? I am back, about 75%, it's not 100 but you know sometimes you do have to slow down and move at the same pace as the rest of the world.
Sorry to carry on this topic but i haven't exactly done anything else lately so i have no option, i'm bored. Couldn't go to band the other day owning the fact that can't breathe proberly let alone blow a musical instrument, i couldn't even go shopping or to the gym, and i hate the gym, the highlight of my week has been a trip to Boots to collect my prescription on saturday, sorry that's much better now i've said it.
Anyway i really wanted to put up a new post but i've got nothing to tell you about, back to school today but that was bloody uncomfortable so you know.

I came up with two new quotes, whadda you think?

"If you think of the consequences you never do the actions"

"It is only by saying that you can't, that you don't"

yep that's how bored i was!

keep living x x x

Fragile (apparently)

Hey, crazy people!

Firstly i'm sorry this page has been slightly neglected of late, i had, lets say an accident which inevitably ended in injury. I have (so they tell me) cracked a rib or two, and before i go on, i don't recommend it to anyone, it fucking hurts. (scuse language) At the time i just thought crap this hurts and then doc gave me some painkillers (which worked very well) and i went to school, big mistake, huge. Do you know how many people crash into you in the corridors usually without you noticing? It's a lot, back to AandE i go, i shouldn't have gone to school (now they tell me) and now i have different medicine which means i am shattered, he only gave me like the strongest i think there is so i am too tired to do anything, but i can't feel it, which is a plus i have to say.
So now i am very bored cos i'm at home and didn't go to school yesterday, today. Even f i can't feel it, i have to be careful for a week or two.
Now since that's all that has happened recently i'll go, please write back and save me (although i might be asleep)

Keep living x x x

Old MacDonald

Well that was a random title! My sister has her CD player on and it is playing Old MacDonald had a farm. (she's four)

Please do express yourself on this page, I don't hold views on other peoples beliefs and i don't think anyone who does really has a place on my 'happy' page.

I was feeling a bit down before i came online, to tell you the truth i am easily bored, i know that and i fidget, today the daunting reality hit me : i may well be at school for the next 5 years at least, to a person like me that is a nightmare quite frankly and i don't know what to do. I will not acheive the career success i want without education but i like to be able to do what i want, when i want and i have realised that i need to devolop some serious self-discipline. I do posess it in things i like to do like sailing and stuff but i...just don't know.
I'm sure everyone feels like this buti am wondering; i have always been...well a sort of dreamer and what the hell does a dreamer make out of life, what do they acheive? Sorry i've gone all serious on you.

On a lighter note i saw a great friend of mine on saturday, i haven't seen him since i was ten, but he used to be a barman at a pub my dad takes me to, when i walked in on saturday and saw him there, it was amazing. we had a huge hug and all he could say was; "bloody hell, you're tall" occaisionly i would make a comment and he would say; "isn't she great?" he is just amazing. (oh he is 35 and engaged so don't get any ideas) He kept asking questions about me and constantly jabbering away excitedly about his wedding next July - bear in mind we are in a pub and have been for several hours now, i know all the bar staff and the manager, and lets just say i am allowed a little more than a coke. it just made me happy that although i was ten when he last saw me we still recognised each other and talked for hours and are now meeting up at christmas for another chat.

Today hasn't been good, back to school and i had too much sleep lats night - if i get more than 6/7 hours sleep i am like a person who loves to sleep and only gets 2 hours - very bad mood indeed! Then i walked into so many people, there are 1000 in my school but it was built for half of that so we sit in the corridors and it is such a crush in the hallways, plus i have a suspicion that i have become vaguely addicted to coffee or any caffeine actually, i had 10 cups today and when you are crazy to start with and you have 10 cups of black coffee, lets just say no alcohol is needed.

Well i better go now, i hope people stay their lovely selves and everything is back to normal soon

keep living love crazy x x x

Party!!

No, sorry but there is no party, this is just a ridiculously short post to say "I'm Happy!!" oh and crazy! Thanks Davey, I think i'm pretty happy with who i am at the moment and you should be too, all of you!!
I got the job i think (so my dad says) so that's all good and by order of him i have submitted my christmas wish list - yes really! Only 6 or 7 weeks until the big holiday itself!!
Oh and i have a quote from a movie i like - i won't tell you which in case you can guess but i think there might be truth in it - how about you? (this is not serious):

"It is only by being on the edge that we discover who we really are - under the skin"

Well stay happy everyone, and stay yourselves-whatever the cost!
Keep living love crazy x x x

Happy, happy!

Aaargh, shit that didn't work! I'll never be serious again, it just never works and causes depression, sorry I'll stay crazy. It is a bit sad though, i just can't hold a serious conversation, i'll be flying a plane and we'll catch fire and i'll be like "well folks, say your prayers" they'll never employ me, i hate serious!! Plus when i'm serious people are like; 'what's up with you?' i'm just not naturally serious, so there we are. I applied for another job today, a finance company are looking for student female 'file reconstructors' so basically it's an office of fat guys who don't know their alphabet and need a female to stare at, but you know it's £6 an hour so not bad money and my Dad knows the boss so i might get it, 'it's not what you know but who you know!' the Body Shop bitch cancelled on me and then never rebooked but i'm not fussed just so long as everyone knows that when i am in full time employment i will avoid offices at all costs. I just booked my Christmas trip to Southampton, i am going on the 26th December which will piss my dad off but you know i'll hang out with him before christmas and he usually comes around on christmas day. so now i am going to book a weekend in London which i'll go on to from Southampton which will be good. i'm going to jersey again on friday, this time with my mum so that's all good, you know it's all pretty good at the moment, and you? I'm omitting my mocks in january and my french and spanish orals in consecutive weeks in march, but thats all after christmas so lets get that financially-draining holiday out of the way first, i can't wait for christmas, i love it!! Keep living crazy lady x x x

Freedom

Right, hello again. This post is freedom - inspired. Today was the first offical day of half term for me and last night i had a sleep over with Saffron. We planned to spend the night under the stars at the bottom of my garden but that didn't go well when it started to rain so we came indoors and watched movies whilst eating cadburys roses and ben and jerrys ice cream. Today was major shopping trip. Now to freedom. I am free from school for a week, yes? right and i was thinking, is freedom from school the only true freedom we ever have? in our lives? Day to day you have school/uni, on holiday you have work maybe. After graduation you have work and taxes then later a spouse and children? Already we have the full time tie of the family. and i have a sneaking suspicion that this is the only time in our lives that we have true freedom, or near enough. "Two men look out throught the same bars, one sees the mud and one sees the stars" I can't remember who said that but it is so relevant to today. It sounds depressing, which isn't me, but we are all behind metaphorical bars and all we can do is dream and try our hardest to escape scot-free. i like to think that i see the stars and we should all aim for the stars. tell me if you think i'm talking crap, but thats my view on things. Secondly i'm going to go all athletic on you, i went for a run yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and i have a feeling that it is actually good for you. So many things make sense when your feet are pounding against the asphalt, that really wouldn't at work or in the classroom, it's a good way to really think things through. One thing i have been asked to think about is my A-level choices, we take four and here is my shortlist, let me know what you think; Spanish Media Studies Philosophy+Ethics English lit Physics I want to be a pilot and we have this program which you input your details and characteristics and it chucks out careers, here is my top ten; RAF officer (?) Royal Navy officer (what?) Army officer Airline Pilot Armed forces pilot Prison officer (no way) Interpreter Computer operator (i will not work in an office) Publishers rep reflexologist i have to say i was stunned, i had never thought about half of those and i have to say i don't think my personality is that of army personnel, i like to get things done my way and i don't take crap but then i am calm and maybe too laid-back Anyway thats pretty much it, "No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent" i'm pretty sure you all recognise that as an Eleanor Roosevelt quote and remember it, it's true. Keep living Crazy lady x x x

Guernsey

Well i sure hope that no Guerns are viewing this page because what i am about to say may be offensive. Jersey rocks! There is a lot of rivalry between the two islands but i have to say that Jersey is the better island. The harbour, i grant you, is nothing compared to Guernsey but Jersey definately wins the shopping stakes, i spent the day there yesterday, HMV made a fortune out of me and Roxy didn't do too badly either! Thanks for the comments on the late Christopher Reeve. I have but four days of school until half term, four days too many in my opinion. Oh interesting fact, i was cleaning out my bookcase the other day and guess what i found? Two poetry books with book-markers in, so what? i hear you say, well the bookmarks marked two pages each with one of my poems printed on! Yes i am a printed poet, granted i was 10yrs and 11yrs but still! Not much else to say so i'll leave you with this image of St Peter Port harbour, Guernsey.

fine if that won't work then i'll leave the link for you to view

http://www.lefriquethotel.com/Marina_Guernsey.html

Keep living love crazy ladyx x x

Superheroes

This has got to be one of the shortest posts ever, but i'm away tomorrow. I know i am a bit late but i just wanted to pay tribute to the late Christopher Reeve. He died on Sunday but for the past few years his life was an uphill struggle, but he never gave up. In my mind he is the one and only Superman and i salute him for his determination and optimistic frame of mind, even when he was told he would never walk again. So in summary, to Christopher Reeve the original Superman Keep Smiling Crazy Lady PS I wrote the following on the previous post: that i think you are all sympathetic and really quite sweet, plus humour doesn't count as being unsypathetic anyway. Hugs and kisses

(no title)

Hey! Right sorry about my little outburst but i was ever so slightly pissed off, as you could probably tell. The craziest thing i've ever done? Well i don't know, i kinda do a lot of crazy stuff which amounts to one crazy person. On dofe i didn't get on well with the whole peeing in the bush thing i asked couples in their caravans for the use of theri facilities. I saw four of my teachers in the pub with my dad on saturday, so i jokingly ordered vodka and coke, the barman who i knew actually made it! My dad drank it though, now they can't quite believe it was me. I guess i am brought up slightly different to other girls, i quite often find myself surrounded by strong male role models and businessmen. I guess my dad thought that since he didn't live with me, he should ensure i have a lot of really quite sweet male friends and the time i spend with him should be memorable. It does mean that i know quite a lot about you guys and he can't get away with anything. Yes i do have hotmail, not messenger because i still haven't updated it, but i will e-mail you. And the picture? yes i will post it, all in good time! It's a work in progress (meaning the film is still in the lab) So how are you all? It is my turn this week to come down with the plague. unfortunately at this stage in year 11, no school is not an option. This means that i have to make like the rest of what seems like the world and carry on feeling like shit and hacking my lungs up at everyone i pass. sorry not a pretty picture but there we are. I don't mean to carry on but let me get this whining thing off my chest and then i'll cheer up again. I have also managed to bugger up my bloody back again. i was out running and yep wet leaves are dangerous. But anyway it's okay, well it's not but yeah i'm finished. So what are you doing with your two weeks of freedom? I just rang up East, a clothes shop about a job. Their stuff is kinda not my thing but the pay definately is! wish me luck! I am really not comfy, sorry but i gotta go lay down, this kills. (not literally) Keep living, be happy luv niki

Anger

Yes i am very angry, i just wrote an extraordinarily long post and my computer crashed. well i'm sorry but i'll not write it again. That's all, oh and if you can think of something for me to say on my next post, please let me know. keep living Crazy, angry lady aargh i can't stop this thing from pushing my posts down

Patriotism

I like to think of my school as a little community or country, we are only 1000 strong but we wear our uniforms (us year 11's with a homemade twist usually) and also the point of this little paragraph, tomorrow is our Annual Open Evening, we volunteer ourselves to come into school, in the evening and allow little year 6's look around and decide whether they should take the 11+ and join our community. I am such a sad, i mean patriotic person. I am going in at 6:30 until 8:00, I am giving up my gym session to play in windband with my lil' old Clarinet, those year 6's better damn well appreciate it, thats all i can say. So how are you all? I have just got this going after a period of absence, the blogger wouldn't work. I am no longer employed, yep out of work and very soon, money. I want to go for the upcoming receptionist job, it pays well, but until then I am thinking a waitress, the advert for jobs goes: 'Only smiley, positive, energetic and kinda crazy people need apply' I mean wow! was this job made for me? The fact that I can get into trouble faster than you can say 'ow' is no longer important, I can be clumsy but with an ad like that, how can I refuse? I have replied on my previous post so check that out 'cos I haven't got time to move it up to this post, oh and if you want to see some pictures of guernsey go to www.guernsey-press.com there is a link to island scenes. Keep living Nikita Ps. a girl at my school, who i did dofe with is called Eilidh (air-lee)