Friday, July 15, 2005

Upside Down and Back To Front

I need to write, I don't know what about but right now I need nothing more than to write. I just read a blog that I saved offline in my favourites, it is an awesome blog written by a guy trying to overcome alcohol, drugs and depression whilst searching for his soul mate - and he does it very well, no matter how low he is, how much shit is running through his mind, how much he's crying and hurting he still writes, usually exactly about how he feels. And he expresses it very well. I don't know if he ever visits this blog but if he does, here's to you Spencer - I've posted a link incase any of you feel like some really good reading right now, whatever time of the day it is or where you are - I guarantee it'll make you think. www.spencersteel.co.uk.

This guy, and another called Ian have influenced me greatly recently, I've never met them - but who says you need to meet someone face to face to get to know them? Spencer says exactly how he feels, so literately and Ian is so selfless, maybe a little too selfless sometimes because no matter how sad he is he will always listen to and give advice on your problems, and the evilness of the male species (long story). Right now he is pretty ill, I'm not going to tell you how because it's not my place but take my word for it, my thoughts and spiritual hugs go out to him, and some carrot cake too (another long story).

I think I need to write on here a little bit more how I feel, those of my more regular msn chattees will know but others won't, even if you do I'm going to write it anyway, since right now I've no one else to listen to me - and I don't think I could talk if there was. There are things I don't think I'll ever tell everyone, but never say never, some things I'll just say and I don't care what anyone thinks of them - so exscuse me. I'm not crazy lady. That's the startling truth. I was given that name and persona by friends, it isn't who I am. I never needed to address problems and isssues as they arose - I helped and addressed the problems of those nearest to me instead. Since I've realised that crazy lady is pretty fucking hard to keep going, some days it hurts so much to get out of bed and smile, when deep inside, inside my head it's all dark. Some days I can't do it at all and to those people who notice I can't always do it, I am rotten to - I'm sure of it. I don't like for people to see when I need help, can't let them in, for fear of them shutting me out. I don't really like whoever I am right now, I figure if enough people hurt you and leave you - there must be something wrong. Very wrong. With myself.

I don't truly believe that anyone is 100% 'normal' - I don't think normal exists, most people I know who claim to be normal have some sort of underyling fear in themselves or doubt about how good they are, how much use they are to others. Now after reading that people are going to want to turn around and tell me to shut up and smile - stop complaining and get down to it like the rest of us do. But it's not that easy. How I feel has goddamn near consumed me for months, and forced me to do some pretty stupid things, some of which I still do, but I can't stop them. Not yet. I haven't hit the bottom yet. I don't sleep anymore, although my parents think I do. I lay in bed and think. Watch things running through my head, things I was sure I had dispelled from my memory, or things I never realised happened - but I haven't got rid of them and they were very real. I got a papercut yesterday and it was quite deep, from cardboard, but I didn't feel it. I feel all detatched.

I'm sitting here listening to the Lost In Translation soundtrack, after reading Gordon's account of it I had to hear it. And it's beautiful. It's sad. But I'm not crying.Saying that I nearly am, track 3 oh and 4 erm and 5 are very tender. Yesterday I cried, I fell to the floor in my room and cried. I was in the middle of packing up my stuff ready to move and all of a sudden I had to cry. Later I went downstairs and watched Top Gun and I didn't shed a tear - not even when Goose died and the bit where Maverick throws Goose's dogtags into the ocean. Those bits always make me cry. But not then. I'm not in control of myself anymore. That blackness and that dark envelope consumes me, totally sometimes, and I come round, anywhere - the office, the kitchen, I could go on, and I'm not aware of what happened. All I know is I was crying and it was dark. I could be in a room or an office full of people I know all talking to me, my phone is ringing, a text comes through, yet the feeling right then, the one that precides over all others. Is loneliness. Unexplained loneliness. Fuck.

Having read back over what I've written so far I can see how people would read this and run away, or sidle away meekly so as not to upset the odd girl writing this. But don't. I pray to every non-existent God there is that you won't leave me now. I don't need you to ask how I am or how I feel. But I need you to be here, around. Be the lovely people that you all are. Don't let this silly problem and post make you question your own happiness, unless you think it needs to. I don't intend to plant seeds of doubt in you, just urge you to tell people exactly how you are, what you're thinking and don't brush yourselves aside. I'm not advising you to be selfish or self-centered. Just honest.

I'm suddenly aware how much I've said. So I'm going. x x x

9 comments:

keir said...

hello there

Good post, its much better to make your feelings plain than simply bottle them up, and if you cant do that aound wour family etc at least you can do it on your blog :)

Keir

Niki said...

You're still here! Thank You. xxx

Zed0 said...

well said keir
Niki, talk to me any time I'm online, e-mail me when I'm not, I'll always listen and try and help if I can

*hugs*
Ben

Niki said...

Thanks both of you for replying, I'll pour out my thoughts to you if and when I can. *hugs both* xxx

Davus said...

although i generally dissaprove of jumping on bandwagons, when it comes to this leap onto archaic mode of transportation, count me in. talk to me about anything, i owe you on this big time.

Niki said...

oh you do not owe me anything! but thanks xxx

Niki said...

sorry, forgot your *hug* davey. xxx

Niki said...

yeah that's right i'm bored. why is no one here? oh wait. it's saturday night. jeez im such a loner, saturday night and im at home. hold on. there was a reason. *looks down at her shirt* oh yeah, covered in paint. lots of paint. damn its on the laptop. and the phone. and the mp3. i should get offline and stop keep wandering off from the painting. oh dear. this isnt my painting shirt. this is dads new shirt. the one i had to wash. oh shit. well that'll teach him for making me do his washing won't it? there's paint on the JD t shirt i have on underneath! aswell! hmm you will be surprised to hear that i have managed to get some on the walls also - pink and orange. i'll take a pic. i think you have to see it to appreciate it. im going. xxx

Stagestruckgal said...

Sorry I havent ben on for a while! Im stil here. Talk to me if you want, I'll try to help, if i can! Just dont let your feelings get the better of you, just talk and cry if you need to. crying is a relief from things. Im always here. *hugs* Laura xx