Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Once in a house on a hill

You know when you see two people so obviously in love, so oblivious to the world, so totally dedicated to each other? They don't want it ever to end and they deserve to have it forever because they have been brave enough to give themselves completely to this other person, give them their entire life and their heart, in the unrelenting hope that the other person will return the gesture. They have been braver than any explorer or soldier or parent or child, because where the heart is concerned, in love, I believe there is no more dangerous position anywhere. You get your heart stamped on and it seems your world falls apart. Giving your heart on a silver plate, your soul, is astounding. I don't care how many other people have said this, I don't honestly think I could do it. I have no expectations to meet my prince or find him if he's right under my nose and be carried off into the sunset, it doesn't happen like that. I don't expect to find that total love or allow myself to have it because I truly to not feel that any guy would feel that so total love for me, ever. I don't want you to say it'll happen someday or I need to give it time, I don't even need to be reminded that I'm only 16. I don't need anything but to say this slushy, moaning crap and get it out of my system. I honestly don't mean to be so closed and protective of myself, I don't understand myself so I could never ask a guy to try and figure me out. Love me unconditionally. It might sound bitter and angry and sad, you might feel the need to feel sorry for me or get fed up with these rants and moans and things, maybe you'll just tell me to shut up and then see me in 10 years time staring dreamily into some guy's eyes and laugh at me, although I hope the last one doesn't come true. Well obviously I hope none of them happen, but hey it's not up to me. I just had to write it down.

Have you ever thought about how false you are with people? Without meaning to sometimes. You've said you were fine when you weren't, said you weren't tired when you were, insisted nothing was wrong when something was. Why though? Why do we guard ourselves so much from people? Is it lack of self confidence? Or fear of rejection? I don't know and I'm not suggesting we go round yelling how we feel, unless we feel like it, I'm hardly in a position to be able to tell people to be more honest about their feelings, just I noticed we all do it at some point.
Have you ever taken a step back and looked at yourself? Maybe through someone telling you to, or a significant event that made you think, or even just reading your old blog posts, like I did. I read the beginning to now, every one. I don't like who I was last July when it started and I can't stand myself now. What's ironic is I'm totally different to just over a year ago, totally. But it seems I haven't altered for the better, I just deplore myself in a different way, I didn't dislike myself at the time but looking back I do, I dislike myself now and I did three months ago. This wasn't meant to sound so self pitying by the way. It honestly wasn't. It was just another pointless musing that I will look back on in a few months time and hate, not that it's going to stop me saying it now.

Another 'Have you ever?' paragraph I'm afraid... I just organised my desktop, have you ever done that? I've lined up all my programs in ordered groups like 'Folders' and 'Media Players'. I have 6 columns with 5 programs in each, aligned in grid fashion. I'm so sad. They used to be all jumbled everywhere, usually in the same places they were uploaded to with the occaisional move if a shortcut was in the way of some aspect of my background picture. I'd like to say that I now feel fulfilled and that my life has gained a new order, but that would be a lie.

Someone I was just talking to just put the phone down with the excuse that compared to The Simpsons, I am worthless. I swear those little yellow people must die, I knew I never liked them and now I know why. It's because I play second fiddle to them in this person's life, seconded by little yellow people. Made worthless by some silly things with spiky hair and strange sayings. I have since been assured, by text message might I add, that it was a joke and of course I'm not worthless. I've been told that I am of course more important than Sky television's decision to brainwash the world with american yellow people, he did sound oddly distracted in the obligatory sorry phonecall though...

I have five books to read this half term and every one of them is for college, would you like to know which ones? Tough I'm telling you anyway... 'Spies' - Michael Frayn - this one is my modern novel for English Literature, coursework.
'KANT - A very short introduction' - Roger Scruton - I won't talk about philosophy and ethics incase Davey's listening....
'ANCIENT PHILOSOPHY - A very short introduction' - Julia Annas - See above ;-)
'Sylvia Plath - A Critical Study' - Tim Kendall - English Lit again, background reading, might actually be interesting.
'Ariel' - Sylvia Plath - Already read this but I like it and it's related to the above study work, for English Lit.
OK so they're not too bad, actually so far the modern novel is the worst one, mainly because I'm convinced it's children's fiction and I'm a little worried as to why out of 'Enduring Love' - Ian McEwan and 'Snow Falling On Cedars' - by someone, my teacher has chosen what is blatantly a child's espionage story. It's not that I think it's too easy or anything...Just not exactly what I would have chosen for an A Level English Lit class. Maybe I'll be proved wrong, I often am...

You know Guernsey is one of the last places in the British Isles where they still pump sewage into the ocean. Guernsey. This island has relied on the sea as its livelyhood for centuries, it still relies on it. Yet we're killing it, we're polluting it with waste. We have no right to do that, no right to abuse something that has done nothing but help and inspire us for so long and continues to do so, even now, after all that we're doing. The politicans say we've no other options. I find that hard to believe. Jersey has other options, Cornwall has other options, Brighton has other options for christssake. We have options. We could make a waste to energy plant or ship it to France as has been offered, a whole manner of other things. But none of them will make Guernsey money, so they're off the agenda. I'm a member of the only action group on this subject in Guernsey, Surfers Against Sewage. Made up of surfers (obviously) we're aiming to put it back on the agenda. I've said my piece.


Sunday, October 16, 2005

the horizon has been defeated

the horizon has been defeated
by the pirates of the new age
alien casinos
well maybe it's just time to say
things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the troubles just seems to stay

future complications
in the strings between the cans
but no prints can come from fingers
if machines becomes our hands
and then our feet become the wheels
and then the wheels become the cars
and then the rigs begin to drill
until the drilling goes too far

things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the horizon begins to fade ...
fade away

thingamajigsaw puzzled
anger don't you step too close
because people are lonely and only
animals with fancy shoes
hallelujah zig zag nothing
mistery it's on the loose
because people are lonely and only
animals with too many tools
that can build all the junk that we sell
sometimes it makes you want to yell

things can go bad
and make you want to run away
but as we grow older
the horizon begins to fade away ...
fade, fade, fade ...

I just like these lyrics, by Jack Johnson

Not quite worth the wait, I fear

x x x

Friday, October 14, 2005

Saturday, October 08, 2005

"You look dead"...

...cheers Tom.

x x x

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Is it not just me?

In my English Lit class the other day our teacher, dear Mr Thompson, set us a quick task. Someone had said to him that they couldn't write poetry to save their life, it was to get out of a year assignment which is to write a poem for a competition. Being an English teacher he was determined to prove that anyone could write poetry. We all got a piece of paper and had to write a line of poetry, our own or borrowed, then we passed it to the next person and they carried on. When their line was written they folded back the previous line leaving only their own visible, sort of like the game 'Consequences'. This carried on until we had our original pieces of paper back. Now I thought it was just me and a small minority that felt like jumping off a bridge quite often, but reading what my table came up with I'm really not so sure, it's pretty depressing. Anyway read it and see what you think;

I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky
To feel the lonely breeze and hear the aching doubts
Or stillness in a darkened room in a place without hope
I can't see the light yet it burns into my soul
I can feel it searing everyday
The harsh brightness, the insensitive soul
Oh what am I doing? I've lost all control
My soul is so empty, I know I'm alone
My world is so dark, I'm drowning in blackness
Not worth saving, leave me here

Now the first line and the last two are mine. But apart from that?!?! Just quite surprised with the tact they went off on from my original, quite neutral first line. Anyway when I read it out Mr T was 'moved'. From where and to, I don't know.
This Thursday there is a poetry recital at my school, I don't know whether to do it or not. In front of all the English students. You've seen some of the good and not so good ones and they're just not the sort of thing I think I'd like to share with people I've acknowledged maybe once, at a push, in my life. Next Thursday being of course, National Poetry Day.

*The 10th of this month is Mental Health Awareness day and the 21st Breast Cancer Awareness.*

I have joined the Young Enterprise, did you ever do that? It's basically a charity whereby students in schools in the UK and Europe join togther and form working companies, producing and managing them themselves, and run them for about 8 months - until they are liquidated and the winner from each region goes to the next round and so on and so forth. 'My' company has 22 members and is called 'Dare' - I did not choose the name. We are unsure of who is which director or which products we want to manufacture for when, but all in good time. I'm thinking of going for Personnel/HR Director because I actually quite like connecting with people and I think I read them quite well - you may think differently but I thought it was the director I had most of a shot at. Everyone is a director and in Guernsey we have a team of advisors made up of local businesspeople. There are seven main directors with deputies and everyone else is given director duties, by their directors - if that makes sense?

That's about it for today since it's 11:56pm and I've got four hours of homework to do for tomorrow, it may be a long night.

Hope you're all ok.
x x x

Sunday, October 02, 2005


Right, quite an intense post for me coming up - so bear with it, I don't want to draw it out but it's tricky. The last post I wrote had little explanation, so I thank you for commenting anyway - that's all behind now and I've talked about it anyway. I've actually forgotten exactly what I meant to say. It's Saturday evening and once more I have turned down offers of nights out and am sitting in my feminine bedroom watching The X Factor, yes that program. I am such a sad person.

I spent three days wallowing in laziness from Wednesday and dragged myself out of my bedroom finally on Friday. I had a counsellor/psychiatrist appointment referral. 11am. At around 10am they called and rescheduled it to 2pm, so I was all worked up and a total wreck by the time I turned up at the clinic dressed in old jeans and my pyjama top. I didn't care how I looked. This was my last chance.

For a last chance, it wasn't too bad. I did a lot of talking and some crying and I didn't look into his eyes once. It felt like the beginning of what Neil warned me would be a long road, and to be honest I was scared shitless - as I often am, lately. Right so now I've told you, hopefully you won't have to put up with me whining anymore since I've got a guy who's paid to do it every two weeks. *Lets out a sigh of relief*

Totally lost interest in this post, which is crap since I had a long one all planned out in my head but I had to leave it for a while and I've lost it. I have been wearing this top for three days now, it's actually 'lingerie de nuit' but throw some underwear underneath (amazingly) and you'd never know. I went for a walk along the coast today, two walks actually. I walked on the sea wall and it was majorly windy, I could have been blown off - I wasn't obviously. I am so annoyed that I've forgotten what I was going to say, although not angry. Neil thinks I'm angry and depressed but also recognises I have very happy moments too, he decided to reserve diagnosis on this first session. (Forgot I might not have told you the psych's name is Neil)
I do want to go again, but also I don't. It's pretty wierd to see a file that reads 'Nikita Le Sauvage - Mental Health' on the table in front of you, although I know it won't be around forever. It's sort of a confirmation though, if you know what I mean.

OK, complete lack of creativity or substance for this post, so I'll leave you with the promise of something better soon.

Take Care x x x

PS Haha look how many times I said 'Neil thinks/says' etc in this post. What a statistic I am.