Right, quite an intense post for me coming up - so bear with it, I don't want to draw it out but it's tricky. The last post I wrote had little explanation, so I thank you for commenting anyway - that's all behind now and I've talked about it anyway. I've actually forgotten exactly what I meant to say. It's Saturday evening and once more I have turned down offers of nights out and am sitting in my feminine bedroom watching The X Factor, yes that program. I am such a sad person.
I spent three days wallowing in laziness from Wednesday and dragged myself out of my bedroom finally on Friday. I had a counsellor/psychiatrist appointment referral. 11am. At around 10am they called and rescheduled it to 2pm, so I was all worked up and a total wreck by the time I turned up at the clinic dressed in old jeans and my pyjama top. I didn't care how I looked. This was my last chance.
For a last chance, it wasn't too bad. I did a lot of talking and some crying and I didn't look into his eyes once. It felt like the beginning of what Neil warned me would be a long road, and to be honest I was scared shitless - as I often am, lately. Right so now I've told you, hopefully you won't have to put up with me whining anymore since I've got a guy who's paid to do it every two weeks. *Lets out a sigh of relief*
Totally lost interest in this post, which is crap since I had a long one all planned out in my head but I had to leave it for a while and I've lost it. I have been wearing this top for three days now, it's actually 'lingerie de nuit' but throw some underwear underneath (amazingly) and you'd never know. I went for a walk along the coast today, two walks actually. I walked on the sea wall and it was majorly windy, I could have been blown off - I wasn't obviously. I am so annoyed that I've forgotten what I was going to say, although not angry. Neil thinks I'm angry and depressed but also recognises I have very happy moments too, he decided to reserve diagnosis on this first session. (Forgot I might not have told you the psych's name is Neil)
I do want to go again, but also I don't. It's pretty wierd to see a file that reads 'Nikita Le Sauvage - Mental Health' on the table in front of you, although I know it won't be around forever. It's sort of a confirmation though, if you know what I mean.
OK, complete lack of creativity or substance for this post, so I'll leave you with the promise of something better soon.
Take Care x x x
PS Haha look how many times I said 'Neil thinks/says' etc in this post. What a statistic I am.