Monday, January 12, 2009


It's 5:30am - I haven't slept, and I'm not going to.

A topic never far from my mind, the topic of a conversation I just had with the love of my life - perhaps a topic I touch on too much.

They say that everyone has thought about it, or will think about it in their lives. I've lost dear friends, and the world has lost beautiful souls. I nearly lost myself, a few times.

I think Will's new job is the best thing that could've happened... for the first time in my life I'm vulnerable and frightened and alone - but I know I don't have to be anymore. I'm not stuck in a pit whose only bottom was final.

I don't have a lot to say, I just like to post what I think lately.

I wanted to say that suicide is not painless, and if any one of your are in that mindset - anytime - please come to me. Go to anyone you know, anyone. Please.


Charli said...

I saw the title of this post and freaked out for a sec. Then i kept reading and it was okay. Better than okay. Thanks for posting something like this.

Liquid's (Of Liquid Illuzion) suicide shocked a lot of us bloggers - like couldn't there have been something we might have said to make her stay? But we didn't know.

Suicide isn't painless and it takes far more than one life with it. It hurts all the people left behind so very much. Of course, I like to say that when we are contemplating/attempting suicide, we are in a kind of tunnel vision and can't recognize the pain we'd leave behind.

I am so happy you are feeling better at this point in your life.

Carmi said...

I sadly have first-hand experience witnessing the wreckage that suicide leaves behind. The pain is incalculable, and it forever changes everyone left behind.

Bless you for your offer. I can't help but think that you may have saved someone's life in doing so.

Nikita said...

I'm sorry for the alarm Charli, it felt like something I really needed to do. I was upset, posted this and got better.
I've never understood suicide, but I know the pain it causes and it could rip a person apart - as I'm sure you know.
I hope that you too are 'ok'. x

I'm sorry for your experience Carmi, sorry if this post was distastful or brought back pain.
I only hope I can help somebody. x

Rainbow dreams said...

I have known families in the aftermath of suicide, and have felt it brush past my life too at times - it is far from painless and has far reaching and devastating effects...

sometimes I do think I understand it

I wouldn't want anyone to be in that much pain inside to really feel there was no alternative...and all we can offer is ourselves. I echo your last paragraph.

Am also pleased you are in a better place now Niki,

Nikita said...

Thank you Katie. x

Independent Chick said...

I have to say, I read the title and it startled me a little. Then reading are a gem you know. A wonderful beacon of hope for someone.

Nikita said...

Thank you, but far from accolades all I wish for is to pull just one person back from the edge. x

Independent Chick said...

Nikita, you can tell it is not the accolades you are looking for...there in lies the gem. : )

Nikita said...

Thank you. x