Sunday, January 11, 2009

For Dana, for everyone

Here we go darl, ten facts about me.

1. If I had the money, I would spend it on creating a perfect home for a family. Because that is my ultimate dream; to have a child, or two, or three... with Will. I would spend all the time I had trying to sculpt something befitting a new life, and try to ensure that it was ready to help us bring a new human soul into the world.

2. If I'm 100% honest I wouldn't change my body. I complain about it everyday and I can't stand to look in the mirror... but nobody can accuse me of not being myself. I've been underweight and I've been overweight - right now I am just called 'healthy', but I'm as happy as I've ever been with myself. That's not to say I won't wear minimising bras, straighten my hair, wear control underwear and use products.

3. I can't stand the darkness, for the exact reason that I fear the unknown... I don't like to not know what is in front of me. I hate the idea that somebody or something could grab me without my consent or my knowing. If I hear a noise when I'm home alone I'm much more likely to hide in my bed, than run out with a knife. What on earth would I do with a knife when confronted with an intruder?!

4. I still don't believe I'm mentally ill. I still think I'm a 15 year old in her bedroom just scratching at herself to get some attention, though at the same time dreading anyone finding out. From my first therapy session I have had the belief stuck in the back of my head that I'm making it all up.

5. When I meet someone new and they ask me what music I like, I just tell them that so long as I can sing along, cry or feel it in my soul... it's my type of music. I miss playing the clarinet and am considering having it sent to me, so I can play again. I have always wanted a saxophone, because when I play that... it's the definition of soul.

6. When I feel down, I want to feel up.

When I feel up, I want to feel down.

Borderline Personality... thy name is Nikita.

7. I've always been a better listener, than a talker. When I was in therapy I used to ask Dr H about his day and his holidays and how he felt, I used to tidy his desk for him. Hence I am now persuing counselling, and my own place in the CHMT - someday.

8. The last story which made me cry was an 11 year old boy from the Wirral, who hung himself with his school tie from his bunkbeds. I have tried 1 million times to make sense of that, but failed everytime.

9. If I were to invite someone 'famous' to dinner... I'd be too nervous my flat wasn't tidy enough and cancel the date.

10. My dream job when I was little was to be a skipper on a maxi yacht for someone famous. Now? I'll sail anything that floats.


Charli said...

Your picture is very cute!!

Also - number 4 is very interesting... In addition to mental health issues, I also have lupus. It is a strange disease which causes, among other wretched things, my kidney failure. The illness and the chemotherapy make me so sick and tired all the time that I spend a lot of time on my couch, reading, writing, watching movies. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm really just LAZY - not sick.

So, I know what you mean. We are too hard on ourselves, aren't we?

Nikita said...

:) thanks Charli, we were on a mini-cruise to europe.

I did read about your illness, but am ashamed to say I am very ignorant to what it entails.

I guess we are yes... then again I can convince myself of anything in the right mood.

Rainbow dreams said...

I love your answer about music :)
and the story about the 11 year old.. that kills me inside ~ my son is older than that - can't even go there as a parent, although I know how cruel life can be and that is even here in this sheltered island...
one thing that scared me and has stayed with me is how young children can be when they start bullying others and how easily that is taken to heart and imprinted in small peoples brains - the messages that are transmitted so young can have devastating effects...
take care, love, Katie,x

Nikita said...

Thank you Katie... it was impulsive.
And the little boy - I heard it on the radio in Morrisons car park. I burst into tears, I cried all around the supermarket and for weeks after whenever I think about it. I remember being 11. It lead to a really emotional personal statement which I sent off to Guernsey and UCAS... it'll either appeal to the assessors or it'll come across as insane.
Then again, the thoughts which lead that little boy... I still shudder. x

Rainbow dreams said...

keeping fingers crossed for you on the application. The time I was most honest, on impulse in an interview for a notoriously difficult course to get on it went my way. I figured if they asked the question then they could get the answer from my heart...not what they expected but it worked.
So, I'd hope it would go down just fine.x

Nikita said...

Me too, thanks Katie. x

Linda S. Socha said...

I love this photo! I also think this post is great. Thanks for sharing it Niki....Keep up the great writing. I think you are a great energy and talented. I hope you see it also. Yes. Moods can affect...but they can be passing..!
The story about the 11 year old.heartbreaking. There truly is no answer to that?

Nikita said...

Thank you Linda. Little by little, my life is getting lighter.

Independent Chick said...

Love number 5!!! Isn't it crazy what music can do. I have danced, laughed, cried, drank (cried some more), sang, ...ed to music. It can bring out such emotion. It's even better when you have a musical talent such as playing an instrument like you do. Lovely post. : )