Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
It's a disgrace I tell you. I've had three hours of free period. I have two pieces of coursework due in by the end of this week. Would it make sense for me to do them? Yes of course it would but that doesn't mean that I am... I never claimed to make sense!
Instead here's another picture of me looking like a boy, making bread in Caen - he made me get a lot closer to that damn oven I'm telling you. I have a strange thing with ovens - they scare me.
Anyway that was all. I've fixed the comment thingy now so...well leave one if you like.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Today I woke up a little brighter and I got showered, dressed and ready for college for the first time in a while. I drove to college with trepidation and nearly changed my mind when I got to the front door. But I didn't turn around and scuttle back home, I carried on walking.
I got an offer from Glasgow today, and an e-mail from Edinburgh. I've had my subject reviews and got a bit overcome with all that but instead of following my usual self-destruct method I went to the help office, like I was advised, and took a few minutes out.
I have to learn how to pace myself, and stay calm. I have to learn not to get stressed and get myself in danger - I've got to stop calling people if this happens! Somewhere along the journey through seventeen years something got mixed up and started firing to the wrong neuron or something, but instead of flying off into the deep end I'm gonna take a few deep breaths. This is not to say of course that I'll stop moaning to y'all and going all loopy - I can't promise that!
Another target is to stop being selfish and difficult - have you ever noticed how many times I use the word 'I' in every post? It's a lot trust me and that's got to change. Get over yourself Niki!
There's a lot more to say but I'll leave it here and get a few reactions.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Isn't this a beautiful picture? It's of the 'Endeavour' coming in to St Peter Port harbour on a beautifully stormy day in the Bailiwick. It's battling against the wind and the spray and the tide - now if you replace those elements with my mind, that's what I'm doing. Imagine how that ship would feel, if it could, having to push forwards through all that. That's how I feel only my battle is against depression and I'm trying to get up every morning and smile at people. 'Endeavour' did make it to her berth though, and she sat there calmly until the storm was over. As shall I.
I was part of the Rememberance service yesterday morning at the top of Smiths Street, it was a very moving affair and I found myself not only contending with the cold, but also fighting back tears. I stood to attention for an hour or so and I complained; the men who fell in the war endured horrors, and never once complained - there's a lesson in there somewhere.
I'm at college today though really I want to be in bed, I went to work yesterday when really I wanted to be in bed. I know they say that hiding away solves nothing but for me it really does - a few days hiding and I can come back right as rain, only just now I can't find the strength to ask the doctor for a week or so off. So I'll endeavour to push forwards, and not fall back.
In memory of those who fell in World War 1 and World War 2.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
I'm having trouble,
With who I am;
Brown hair and eyes and
Skin that holds so many deep lies.
The colours they cascade around my world,
But all that I can find are monotone tears.
I've lost the control that I never had,
In fact I'm a mass of mess,
Surely one day I'll be discovered,
The true extent of my flaws.
I'll try to hide until I fade away,
With a little help I can get to tomorrow,
Those who question I will ignore,
Until the hour that someone breaks through.
They've not found me as yet,
So I'll maintain my sheild,
I'll make sure that my smile is wide,
And my outlook sunny and bright,
Though deep inside my grey soul will protest,
It makes me wonder if I'll ever escape.
The conflicting feelings, the contradictions;
My torn terror and mixed up mind,
Look inside and you'll see that you're blind,
What you see is not what I am,
So slowly I'll begin to realise,
The unstoppable future is revealed.
There are millions of people living and afraid,
And compared to them I see that -
I am nothing.
I am nothing.
Ha. If that got 1st place I dread to think what the rest were like...
Monday, November 06, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I guess you guys at uni all got to the point when school felt too young for you - when you felt you'd outgrown it and had no place there. I am at this point. Grades are slipping because my effort is minimal and everything seems to be focused on UCAS - no offers as yet I must add.
On a brighter note I won a sixth form poetry competition and have refused to read it it assembly - I thought noone would ever read it again, there's no way 1000 people are watching me on a big stage reading the damn thing!
Just feeling a bit useless and distant I guess - apologies if you can tell from conversations with me. I sort of feel like I'm the only one in the world and I barely notice when someone else drifts by...sounds sort of bleak I guess. It's not so bad. Just have to get pulled back somehow.
On a stranger note I now have red hair. I kinda like it. Maybe I'll leave it that way, maybe I won't. I'm on the hunt for a sort of black/red colour because black sort of made me look like a dead pirate but red's a bit extreme - so black with a red tint is appealing. I hated my mouse brown and I refuse point-blank to go back to my childhood blonde.
Well I shall leave you now to your merry thoughts, reminding you that mine are with you.