Saturday, January 28, 2006

In tones wraught with gravity

Hello there my little twinkles, how've you been?

I'm listening to Damien Rice again and it's really rather odd because I don't actually like the music but it's there in my CD player nonetheless and I'm not flicking to the next disc - the lyrics aren't bad I guess, I've still not figured them out completely though. Before this I was listening to the Eels, which is on loan from Suzi - whom I take spanish with. Well usually we do spanish together but I felt rebellious t'other day and didn't go, I went home two hours early. I know, bad girl - my mum was none too pleased.
Last Tuesday in Core Studies - which I went to for a change - we were being lectured on the progression from AS Level to A2. I've not yet decided whether to drop a subject and just take three on to A2 because it's kinda like I need all the grades I can get - on the other hand I'm not really enjoying Spanish at the moment and don't relish the idea of furthering it to A2, I think I'd drop it and just stick with French. Anyway, I've got a bit of time to think about it yet.
Oh thinking about music, I cancelled my keyboard and clarinet lessons - yes my life is collapsing around me. No seriously, I never practised what I was supposed to - I hated being restricted to playing specific things and at specific tempos and for a specific time each day. So now I play as and when I want to and it leaves much more time for fun stuff like drums, I think I got too involved with organised music and I forgot why I love it in the first place - sure a professional tuition helps understand it but at the end of the day I have a Grade 7 knowledge now and I wanna take it where I choose. I'm still allowed to go to the various bands that I'm in obviously, which is cool - I'm pretty proud of telling my mum I didn't want to go anymore and resisting various people who I'd usually agree with to keep them happy. Oh god am I being selfish?
I'm now reading the school magazine - The Grammalogue - and it's not half bad, we get one every year and they collect material all year round. I've written for it a few times and been in some of the articles about sailing and ski trips, it's always funny when it comes out because loads of random pictures appear that no one noticed anybody taking at the time - the ski trip one is always the best. I'm thinking of going on all the school trips next year (as in year 13) because they really are excellent and it'll be my last chance - this year I can't afford it cos of compulsary language trips.
Whilst we're talking about the magazine I think I'll end by a poem written by the only mature student in our entire 6th form, Gary, who co-runs the poetry club with me and Jason and Grace - because I've a feeling he reads this from time to time and recently had this poem in said magazine. By the way that's mature student as in over the age of 21 - so actually mature in both ways - probably the most emotionally mature too. Before I do though, your funny quote for the week - courtesy of Mr T, my English Lit teacher.

"I once knew a guy who described himself as a voracious reader on his UCAS form - of course he was a pretentious cock"

Smile everyone. Now to finish, the poem.

'That Fatal Attraction' - Gary

Love that fatal attraction
Drawing body to body.
The forces of everlasting love,
Equal and opposite.
The force you push they will push back
The gravitational attraction draws you together,
And hold you preventing apathy.
You love, you push
They do not push back,
Only turn to face another.
This subject so grave,
And yet its truth lies in reality
Unrequited love.
As the thud of rejection holds you firmly on land.
The force of your love is the strength of your refusal,
Always equal and opposite.
The lost loves,
Drifting in space.
You push but there is nothing to push back.
People express with sympathy
In tones wraught with gravity
But then move on, the pull is too strong.
They gravitate back to their homes,
Their lives, their loves,
With their forces,
Equal and opposite.

aloha xxx

Monday, January 23, 2006

Ethical Ponderings

I just had a really good ethics lesson today so I thought I'd let this post masquerade as something with some substance.

Great guy, Lee, proposed a new normative theory based on how easy things were to spell. Basically we were doing utilitarianism - good is that which maximises happiness and minimises suffering - and Lee proposed that given a choice, good is that which is the easier word to spell... That just made me laugh for a while.

Staying with Lee and my teacher's unbelivably laid-back manner, today he came in dressed exactly the same as the teacher and the conversation went thus:
Lee: "Look Mr M I'm your love child!"
Mr M: "I'd say evil bastard child, spawn of satan actually Lee"
Again lots of laughing for while.

The same effect is similar with our philosophy teacher, Miss T, when we were discussing something to do with God, our friend Lee put it that anyone can be a God:
Lee: "Sure Miss but anyone can be a God in something."
Miss T: "Are you implying then Lee that you are a member of the Deity, a God of some sort?"
Lee: "Only in bed Miss T, wanna find out how omnipotent I am?"
*Miss T goes extremely red and giggles*
You'll never guess what, lots of laughing.

That's actually about all I feel like saying now, hope you're all ok.

aloha xxx

PS I haven't written anymore of the story yet, I'll let you see it in a year or five when I get round to finishing it

Friday, January 20, 2006

"Does he make you laugh?"...

..."He doesn't make me cry"

It's not late but it's Friday night and I'm sitting downstairs watching 'crazy/beautiful' because my mum is out and I'm looking after my sisters, only they're in bed. So I'm all alone, really. No one online, no one to call, no one round at my house. I don't like it. In fact this a moment when I want anything but to be alone, I'd choose time with my dad over this.
Coincidentally, dad just rang me. Pissed out of his face of course, just ringing to 'tell me that he really, really loves me'. Sure he does, he wasn't saying that the last time I saw him though. He rang in exactly the same manner yesterday, I guess it's, I don't know what it is. The man is mad.
I'm checking a forum at the same time as this and that's about the only company I've got just now, sorry to go on. I don't fare well on my own in this particular mood. I got two letters in the post today, from job applications I did, interviews. I didn't get either of them surprisingly enough. My job at the surf shop is in jeopardy because it's amalgamating with another store and I shall not have a job, the job on the hotel is slowly destroying me - one eight hour shift at a time.
I got all excited about the post, two interesting envelopes and a bank statement - turns out I'd rather not have read any of them. Also when I signed onto the Internet I had 12 new messages - all of them, bar one, were from some stupid advertising company or another. The other one was a survey. There are 70 new messages in my old yahoo account but they're all from freecycle, my gmail is empty. Yeah, sure, you needed to know all that.
Anyone had that coldy/fluy thing yet? I have it currently and it's annoying me now, tissues everywhere.
So my dad's moving to the mainland, not entirely sure where yet but probably Essex, which made me laugh when he told me. He's been on planning on leaving for years now but he's never quite done it, now it seems that he is. Finally. Not that I really mind, we have an amazingly screwed up relationship and I've tried to help him but he just knocks me back. A lot. I don't often give up on people but I feel with him I have no other choice.
I never gave up with my best friend when she was having trouble with her boyfriend, he got help and now he takes his meds and he's fine. I pestered her all the time to come out with me, not to isolate herself. She got through it, like him, and the guy hates me but it doesn't matter because she's ok.
It's easier to help someone else than talk about yourself, have you ever noticed that? Expect someone else to share their problems but when they extend the courtesy to you, it's harder than it looks. Better to smile, make a joke, and walk away.
Old habits are never in the past, sooner or later you pick them up again and you fail everyone who is trying to help you. Maybe you stop another habit but it's in favour of becoming something that you used to be, do things you used to do, and go to place you never wanted to go back to. But it's lighter than where you are right now. Me anyway.
I realise none of this made sense so I'm going to leave you with the opening to a story I'm writing, well I might write it - I'm not sure yet. This is as far as I've got.

"Somewhere in the dimness of the room a girl sat crying, a soft cry that might be mistaken for singing from a distance. She was crying in this way because she believed that she had reached the end, usually when she needed to cry she couldn't and she would sing instead, fill the room with comforting notes that were different every time - notes that couldn't hurt her but never left her. Now she sang as she cried, she thought that perhaps if she sang then the light might come back because she was as yet unsure as to whether the darkness all around her was in her mind or if it was because the light had been turned off. So she sat singing to herself, the tears making her voice sound ever more delicate and if it was at all possible, clearer than it had sounded in a long time. It was an innocent cry that bought back the innocent nature to her voice, it made her sound like she needed protecting and it made her feel that way too. It made her feel that any moment some strong pair of arms would reach down to her and lift her up, wipe away her tears and hold her until it was over. But no one came to her so she carried on singing a song to try to convince herself that she was dreaming, that she had been dreaming for all these years and she had imagined all the hurt. She sang.
Notes, music notes, were always black and white - you never got technicolour notes. Their monotonal nature meant that they could never lose colour like life, they could be flattened and made sharper but you can never drown them out, music is omnipresent. It is in everyone, everything and it is everywhere. It came to be the only thing that she could rely upon to not change and not be drowned out when her thoughts were too loud for her to speak, a good musician doesn't even need light to make a sound. You can improvise in music, like in life, but unlike life you don't need light to do it and you don't need to be in a good frame of mind. "


Friday, January 13, 2006


I learnt something today, maybe the most important thing I've ever learnt in my life.

I never knew that there was a middle way, I thought you were happy or you were sad - I learnt a little while ago that this infact was rubbish and of course there's a middle way.

Another important lesson, perhaps the hardest to stick to, was that my actions affect others. Most things, although not all, will have some abstract effect on someone that we care about. Someone we really care about. Maybe more than one person. As I said though, it's not always the first thing you think of.

My latest lesson? Nothing's impossible. Yeah I know it sounds stupid and cheesy and immature, like an 'inspirational poster' thing to say, but it's true.

You can't be happy all the time and you can't ignore it when you're sad, but nothing's as impossible as it seems.

Smiling doesn't always hurt.

Monday, January 09, 2006

And to my right...

Oh I am in sooo much trouble. I have to catch a taxi daily to another school in order to take part in my Spanish lessons. On a Monday that taxi arrives at 1:50pm. However for some reason unknown to myself, I thought that it left at 2:10pm and have subsequently missed it.
I’m not yet sure what to write about but I’m just trying to keep myself busy and trying to drain out the calling of my revision, Spanish homework and French coursework. I figure if I type fast enough, with as little subject matter as possible, then I might just be able to ignore it for another forty minutes until school ends and I head off to Rainbows. Only problem with this plan is that I will have to attend to all that work later tonight, when I get home, instead of doing silly things like sleeping and eating. Tricky.
So to begin, I will describe the room that I am in. It is the ‘ Independent Study Area’ in the new 6th Form Centre for Guernsey, it’s a new room filled up with old monitors – they do however have quite up-to-date programs on, well everything that an A Level student needs anyway. The keyboards are new…
The carpet is blue, the chairs are blue and the individual screens for each workstation are blue. The desks are a light maple wood and the walls are all painted white, like a hospital. On the wall facing me are two ‘inspirational’ posters, each with very moving quotes about discovery, education etc. To my right there is an office size HP printer and behind me there are two windows facing into the top corridor of the building, and of course the door. To my left there is no wall, it is a large pane of glass and through it I can see the Island Sports Centre, the car park, the netball courts, the rugby field and the top of the main entrance door downstairs. There is a white, round clock on the right hand wall and the blinds are white. There are six other people in the room. How about that for a pointless exercise?
Ok now we’ll do me, describe me that is. I am wearing black trousers, they’re sort of like sweat pants but ‘cos they’re black no one has yet noticed. Also I am wearing a pink jumper underneath a black jumper which has a low-V, which allows the jumper underneath to be shown. My shoes are black and sort of covered in felt, with three lines of pink stitching over the top, near the toe. As usual my hair is down and I washed it this morning so it’s a little curlier than usual. I am wearing no make-up. In the way of jewellery I am wearing a silver ring on my middle finger on my right hand which has a small, four-petaled flower on it and also a silver pendant with a small piece of polished shell in it, which I was given as a Christmas present.
The guy next to me? He’s wearing a grey shirt and a navy blue tie, with a dark blue sweatshirt over the top. His trousers and shoes are black. His skin is quite tanned and he tells me this is because he spent Christmas in Mauritius, he is wearing no jewellery. His hair is dark and quite short because he doesn’t like long hair because, he says, then he would have to brush it…
Well I’m not going to describe the other five because that would involve straining my neck and they might then wonder what I was doing.
I can hear someone playing a rather violent-sounding computer game, which is of course banned.
In my school there are several banned ‘things’. These consist of; computer games, online chat, free email, chewing gum, knives and all other weapons – although not compasses, mobile phones, swearing, obviously dyed hair, make-up, jewellery, sweatshirts, sweat pants, trainers, any socks other than white ones and trousers for girls in years 11 and below. That’s all I can be bothered to list…
I’m having a minor panic because we’ve been told by the education department that the sea temperature is at its coldest this time of year and therefore we are no longer allowed to participate in sailing, while under the supervision of the school. This is total crap because all the private clubs still go out, I still go out and as members of the sailing group we are all prepared to take responsibility for any ensuing pneumonia that may follow a sail. We also promised to stop wearing shorts and t-shirts and start wearing oilskins. But alas no, we’ve decided to go and plead our case with the owner of the Guernsey Sailing Trust, with whom we sail. He’s a nice guy, we can ask nicely. There aren’t really any other games options that I fancy so it’s sailing or the gym for me. And who on earth would choose the gym over sailing?!?!
I’ve just realised what total shite I’ve been typing, so I’ll post this now and forget about it and I guess I’ll have to go attack that pile of homework etc…
Lots of Love
x x x

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Best Awful

Well everyone, I guess it's back into that old routine.
I've no idea what to write, has anyone got any ideas/suggestions/general musings?
Hope you're all ok.
Stay Strong
x x x