Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The Gym

Perhaps not one of my most scintillating topics but it is, after all, a topic and a topic that I previously mentioned nonetheless.
This post is to induce some enlightenment among those of you who’ve never been in a gym, never want to or are merely curious. You have all spoken to me on MSN and the like and know that I am an averagely normal person, so, this post is also to clarify that the gym is not purely for fitness fanatics and can actually be quite fun, if you really want it to be.
So I shall begin on the mysteries, myths and downright absurdities that we call ‘the gym’.
Every new applicant to my gym is required to go on an induction course before being let loose among the high-tech machines, which is probably a good idea I guess. For my induction I opted for a one-to-one affair with my dad as my supervising parent, this I thought was a touch of genius as he used to be a fitness trainer himself.
After the humiliation of being weighed by a complete stranger (and a rather good-looking one at that) the big white doors of the gym are flung open to reveal the horrors inside. All that can been seen all around are sweaty people, ‘pod people’, and the just plain weird people, at the moment I consider myself to me a little more sane than these people, however earphones in my ears and after a brisk ride I fit in just fine.
The induction is really boring, you have a workout program tailored to your specific needs and you are led through the mass of sweaty bodies to various machines which do resemble medieval torture devices. After learning to walk without your hands clamped to the sides of that lethal conveyor belt, the treadmill, then run, row, peddle and ‘x-train’. All of this first session is low impact but after learning that I am to attend 4 times a week, I fear that this is the first and last session that the sweat on my brow is that of fear and panic, rather than physical exhaustion.
I continued with this absurdity on a regular basis for the duration of 2004, gradually getting faster, pedalling further and finally beating that annoying regular guy on the rowing machine. My only motivation, besides the distant promise of the sea viewed from the giant windows, is the health suite, a bizarre cooking affair if I ever did see one. Roasted people in the sauna, steamed people in the steam room and boiled people in the Jacuzzi, I am somewhat sceptical of these three ‘relaxation techniques’ but add a few friends and they become really quite fun.
My aim this year was to cut down on my gym intake, deeming my body quite fit enough as it was without requiring almost 6 hours of training a week, so I have so far only attended the torture-chamber one day a week, a Sunday for a mere 2 hours.
In these two hours I follow this bizarre-looking program, merely added to this post to pad it out a little:
Warm up – 4kms, level 10 cycling
20mins, level 5 cross-training
20mins, speed 9km/hr running
20mins, level 10 rowing
50 crunches (average)
3kms running
A few more crunches
And a final 100calories worth of rowing
As I draw this post to a close I have probably not convinced anybody of the points I mentioned earlier, made myself sound even more strange than your previous suspicions and put across the idea that I am some super-fit hottie, which Keir will testify that I am not. However I have maybe added a touch of humour to the gym, convinced you that you’ll never join a gym or maybe at least just wasted 5 minutes of your time.
So anyway, I’ll go now but talk to you soon
Keep Living x x x

PS It has been mentioned my friends of mine that i have no respect for MSN 'status' therefore if anyone logs on and sets to 'busy' or 'away' i will keep well away, and only speak when spoken too. x x x

6 comments:

Nodders said...

Wow, roasted, boiled and steamed. Do you get mashed as well? ("We're all potatoes!" screams Gordon) Then there's all the crunching going on in the schedule...

Zed0 said...

wow, I thought I was fairly fit, I could do all that running, and I'm not exactly sure what the levels are but I'm sure I couldn't do that much X-training or crunches

you can talk to me unless I change my status to "Do Not Disturb" or offline, though you can't talk to me anyway if I'm offline

Niki said...

yup we are indeed all potatoes!
lol Zed0, thanks
keep living x x x

Niki said...

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY Keir
i wasn't ignoring you - double hugs next time
keep living x x x

Stagestruckgal said...

poh-tah-toes. yes we are. but, you know, i never have set foot in a gym, but mean to in the not too distant future (if i can be bothered to get up on a saturday morning). But yes. poh-tah-toes. poh-tah-toes. sorry, i got kinda obsessive there. and also, have you actually met Keir, then? because you kinda mention he knows, so therefore i put 2 and 2 together and got 4. or did i put 2 and 6 together and end up with 7? i dunno. anyways, post soon. ttfn

Stagestruckgal said...

thanks for posting, i kinda thought ud forgotten bout me! obviously not. i havent done anything interestig. my life is a mockery of a sham. ttfn