End of Year Report

I’ve been threatening you all with this post for some time, or at least I’ve been threatening myself with it. I’ve been filling ‘www.nikitaelizabeth.blogspot.com’ with utter, utter crap trying to waste time and keep it going but really it only half succeeds as a blog when there’s an actual substance to what I’m writing. I’ve pretty much decided now that wherever I end up in my life I want to be writing – I don’t even care what I’m writing so long as I’m not sitting in a bank for 40 years wishing I weren’t there. If I’m sitting in an office writing though, I think I’ll manage. If I had any talent I’d say I wanted to be a writer; but the fact is I don’t. And even if I did I don’t think I could discipline myself enough to use it – so instead I’ll settle for something that just involves writing.

I guess I should broach the topic of Christmas; since this’ll be my last post before the blessed event. I know it’s tired and it’s almost a post-modern cynicism now but I don’t like Christmas. I respect its meaning but I don’t enjoy the family side of it, the pretending that everything’s ok when really it’s so far from that. I’m not saying that I don’t have fun – I go out with my friends and I catch myself sometimes feeling very blessed. The simple fact is that I can’t approach Christmas without memories of drunken arguments with my father and his former lovers; police interviews and collecting him from the cells on Boxing Day. Walking through St Peter Port on 26th December to collect your Dad from prison somehow sticks in your mind, along with the fights the day before. I feel as though I’m treading on increasingly thin ice each year when the 25th rolls along I almost can’t breathe with the wondering what’ll happen next – if he’s ever caught drink-driving again he’ll be facing long-term prison. It’s just a lot to think about when society is trying to stuff turkey down your throat.

I meant to write about music in this post; some of you may remember my previous music post and I was surprised to read it and find that my tastes had yet again changed. There’ll always be songs which stick with me of course; Leanne Rimes “Can’t Live Without You” was playing the first time Dad ever lost his temper. Keane’s “Bedshaped” was playing when I made that first cut. They’re all songs I can’t listen to without associating their respective events, but they’re songs I have to listen to sometimes. Everyday music though is now indefinable for me; I listen to Pink, Simple Plan and Razorlight. Then I might switch to Jeff Buckley, Johnny Cash and Joni Mitchell. Sometimes I need Nine Inch Nails, Manic Street Preachers and Radiohead all on the same day. Maybe even Miles Davis and The Clash – my point is that I don’t have favourites anymore. I’m not sure how many CDs there are now kicking around in the glove compartment of my car but I know that my shelf is looking pretty empty; so I’m guessing that most of them are hiding in Fifi.

This is a time of reflection, I think. I’ve got to the legendary point in school where I feel I’ve outgrown it and there’s no more motivation to be found – even though all of my University offers are conditional and I really need to work if I have any hope of succeeding. I have to study for these re-sits in January and then I have to shut down the rest of my life in favour of A Levels starting in April.

On a brighter note; I’ll be diving all over the mainland in March so if you live in Exeter, Hull, Leeds, Glasgow, Edinburgh or Aberdeen I may well be begging for loan of your floors and sofas *niki smiles sweetly*. Also I want to dye my hair again; what colour do you think I should go for? Anything but blonde will be considered. I’m getting back to my old size now too because I have cast aside the gym and started eating properly again. I’m just going to have to accept myself as I am because it’s too much of a battle to be someone else; so long as I’m physically healthy I figure everything must be fine with me. I’d still like a tattoo but of course I shall wait until I’m well clear of Guernsey; I do value my life enough to not want my mother to murder me.

Did I tell you that I’m a prefect now? It’s quite sad how excited I got about it; I forgot to hand in the application the first time but I helped out at our presentation day and got to be one because Mrs I said that I deserved it… I know there are loads of prefects but I like, in some perverted way, to feel like I still have a little credibility left. I used to be good at things; like music and school, but things changed and my life stopped being just about school and swimming and music. Another life got in the way and it put me off course; I haven’t sailed properly since Cowes either. Hence being a prefect in year 13/upper sixth/S6 kind of means something to me.

It was my second anniversary on the 10th December. Over two years of scarring my body. I know; I’m a fruit loop. Slowly though I am repairing my skin more than I am damaging it; of course I still have moments of weakness but by and large it’s only every week or so – which, trust me, is an improvement. When I went out to the staff Christmas party the other weekend I even went sleeveless; I know that it was dark but it was kind of a big deal because no-one I work with knows anything about my vampire-esque alter ego… You don’t get many receptionists like me heh.

For now I shall have to leave you, because I am tired and need as much beauty sleep as I can get.

One by one
Day by day
Inhale, exhale
That’s the way

Nothing

I remarked in the refectory on Friday that I had a strong suspicion that I was a nothing. Rachel then proceeded to poke me furiously; which made me protest - thus she concluded that a nothing could not protest.

I think she may have missed my point.

It should be noted that I have discontinued the taking of prescribed anti-depressant medication; thus those who know about that sort of thing should bear in mind that I'm all over the shop! Dr H was not impressed with my plan.

As it stands I am feeling slightly odd, and not at all good. I'm so moody. One minute I'm fantastical and the next feel like driving into a wall...

It's a mystery

"What is this quintessence of dust?"

That's right I'm studying Hamlet in English Lit. We never do upliftting reads no; instead we get Death of a Salesman and All My Sons and Spies..

So go on what is man to you - just dust or a little bit more?

This, this is what I have been missing

I have finished my three late shifts in a row in the most spectacular of fashions.

It was the work party last night and it was a free bar.

Since the 12th May 2006 I have been sober.

That is no longer the case.

I feel this morning very unwell and disappointed in myself.

But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.

That's really what's it's all about isn't it? Life, I mean.

Keeping quiet and going with the flow. Dealing with things and moving on.

Just had to share that quick revelation on from my mobile

au revoir

No!

No! My laptop's broken and I've duly taken it into Guernsey Computers to get fixed. Well I took the case in, without the laptop, then had to go home to retrieve the actual machine.. But anyway.

£25 just for it to be looked at - then God knows what it'll need doing to it after that - it was pretty ill.

But the most heart-breaking thing? I was half-way through backing up my hard disk when it died. Therefore I have not managed to copy anything over. Not my book, not my poetry portfolio, not my coursework. Nothing.

It's gone, all gone...

If only I had done that backup as I went along and not left it until it was obviously too late.

Can you tell I'm bored?

It's a disgrace I tell you. I've had three hours of free period. I have two pieces of coursework due in by the end of this week. Would it make sense for me to do them? Yes of course it would but that doesn't mean that I am... I never claimed to make sense!

Instead here's another picture of me looking like a boy, making bread in Caen - he made me get a lot closer to that damn oven I'm telling you. I have a strange thing with ovens - they scare me.

Anyway that was all. I've fixed the comment thingy now so...well leave one if you like.

Missed you

Niki? Oh she's over there in the corner

I'm sorry. Last week and this week were a bit dramatic and I was in an extremely strange place - hence I left the blog (and my life) for a little while to make sure I didn't offend, annoy or argue with anyone - because I wasn't myself anyway.

Today I woke up a little brighter and I got showered, dressed and ready for college for the first time in a while. I drove to college with trepidation and nearly changed my mind when I got to the front door. But I didn't turn around and scuttle back home, I carried on walking.

I got an offer from Glasgow today, and an e-mail from Edinburgh. I've had my subject reviews and got a bit overcome with all that but instead of following my usual self-destruct method I went to the help office, like I was advised, and took a few minutes out.

I have to learn how to pace myself, and stay calm. I have to learn not to get stressed and get myself in danger - I've got to stop calling people if this happens! Somewhere along the journey through seventeen years something got mixed up and started firing to the wrong neuron or something, but instead of flying off into the deep end I'm gonna take a few deep breaths. This is not to say of course that I'll stop moaning to y'all and going all loopy - I can't promise that!

Another target is to stop being selfish and difficult - have you ever noticed how many times I use the word 'I' in every post? It's a lot trust me and that's got to change. Get over yourself Niki!

There's a lot more to say but I'll leave it here and get a few reactions.

Thanks x

...

Blog is dead until further notice

Against the tide

Isn't this a beautiful picture? It's of the 'Endeavour' coming in to St Peter Port harbour on a beautifully stormy day in the Bailiwick. It's battling against the wind and the spray and the tide - now if you replace those elements with my mind, that's what I'm doing. Imagine how that ship would feel, if it could, having to push forwards through all that. That's how I feel only my battle is against depression and I'm trying to get up every morning and smile at people. 'Endeavour' did make it to her berth though, and she sat there calmly until the storm was over. As shall I.

I was part of the Rememberance service yesterday morning at the top of Smiths Street, it was a very moving affair and I found myself not only contending with the cold, but also fighting back tears. I stood to attention for an hour or so and I complained; the men who fell in the war endured horrors, and never once complained - there's a lesson in there somewhere.

I'm at college today though really I want to be in bed, I went to work yesterday when really I wanted to be in bed. I know they say that hiding away solves nothing but for me it really does - a few days hiding and I can come back right as rain, only just now I can't find the strength to ask the doctor for a week or so off. So I'll endeavour to push forwards, and not fall back.

xxx

In memory of those who fell in World War 1 and World War 2.

The Truth About Me

I think that this final draft of my 'winning' poem is about as much as I can say.


I'm having trouble,
With who I am;
Brown hair and eyes and
Skin that holds so many deep lies.
The colours they cascade around my world,
But all that I can find are monotone tears.
I've lost the control that I never had,
In fact I'm a mass of mess,
Surely one day I'll be discovered,
The true extent of my flaws.
I'll try to hide until I fade away,
With a little help I can get to tomorrow,
Those who question I will ignore,
Until the hour that someone breaks through.
They've not found me as yet,
So I'll maintain my sheild,
I'll make sure that my smile is wide,
And my outlook sunny and bright,
Though deep inside my grey soul will protest,
It makes me wonder if I'll ever escape.
The conflicting feelings, the contradictions;
My torn terror and mixed up mind,
Look inside and you'll see that you're blind,
What you see is not what I am,
So slowly I'll begin to realise,
The unstoppable future is revealed.
There are millions of people living and afraid,
And compared to them I see that -
Really,
I am nothing.
I am nothing.


Ha. If that got 1st place I dread to think what the rest were like...

I want doesn't get

I want to go to London. I love London.

I thought perhaps I just wanted to be anywhere that wasn't Guernsey, but no, I definitely want to go to London.

Anyone else feel like their life's falling apart? No? Ok just me then.......

Surreal

You'll have noticed of course that most of my blog titles are just one word lately - this is because I have no imagination and am feeling rather run down.
I guess you guys at uni all got to the point when school felt too young for you - when you felt you'd outgrown it and had no place there. I am at this point. Grades are slipping because my effort is minimal and everything seems to be focused on UCAS - no offers as yet I must add.

On a brighter note I won a sixth form poetry competition and have refused to read it it assembly - I thought noone would ever read it again, there's no way 1000 people are watching me on a big stage reading the damn thing!

Just feeling a bit useless and distant I guess - apologies if you can tell from conversations with me. I sort of feel like I'm the only one in the world and I barely notice when someone else drifts by...sounds sort of bleak I guess. It's not so bad. Just have to get pulled back somehow.

On a stranger note I now have red hair. I kinda like it. Maybe I'll leave it that way, maybe I won't. I'm on the hunt for a sort of black/red colour because black sort of made me look like a dead pirate but red's a bit extreme - so black with a red tint is appealing. I hated my mouse brown and I refuse point-blank to go back to my childhood blonde.

Well I shall leave you now to your merry thoughts, reminding you that mine are with you.

Escapism

This is where I want to be. Away from everything and everyone apart from the crashing of waves on the hull.

No more counting

A member of an online community I am part of passed away the other day, she took her own life. She was my age and she was known as emmybug. She didn't post to say she felt suicidal, she didn't text anyone, she just slipped away.
I am crying because I'm thankful. I have been where she was in her mind and someone or something saved me. It was decided that it wasn't my time to go, and I'm thankful for that.
Unfortunately emmybug slipped through the soft net we put up to protect her, and now we can only hope that she has peace.

No alarms and no surprises, please

I am without picture today and relying heavily on people recognising that inspired Radiohead quote up there. That's what happens if you don't get Broadband children. I had wanted to put a picture I took on Saturday morning whilst walking to work at sunrise, right across the Bailiwick and up into St Peter Port - even catching a bit of Beau Sejour and Les Cotils in the far right. Obviously this venture failed and will have to wait until I get back to college and the delights of free, fast Internet when I should be studying, then again a very wise man once said; "There's a lot of things I should do, kid"

This week is my reinvention week, my week to evaluate things. I've been wanting, and threatening, to do this for some time now but haven't had the time. Lo and behold along comes a little thing called half term to help me out. So inbetween reading all those books I meant to read ages ago, catching up on recomendations and making passable poems out of scribbles - I've also been changing.

I don't need to spend my wages as they arrive in my account each week. I don't need to buy copious amounts of clothes in a vain attempt to cheer myself up. I don't even need to buy that jumper in FatFace or those shoes in Sail Or Surf. I have everything I need. What I am going to do is save up for my car insurance and tax which both need renewing. I'm going to save for Uni. I'm going to save for a really torrential rainy day because spending on the little ones doesn't make them any brighter at all.

Last night I was reading through all the references that were kindly written for me when I was put forward for Lieutenant Governor's Cadet (Presentation ceremony on the 8th November - beward dodgy Guernsey Press photos of me in uniform). They are outstanding references and I can't get my head round them being about me. Me! John Elliott from GST wrote such a sweet one, and Jenny Falla from Guiding, a bunch of my teachers at school and even a little girl I babysit sometimes. They actually make me cry because what I'm reading here is how I appear to other people, it's enough to make anyone cry.

They say that people change, and I'd always maintained that my mum could change, my crazy alcoholic dad could change - but I never really believed it. They both have cars and houses and all they need, their lives suit them without change. I can't change anybody to fit in with my ideals for them - not my family and not my friends. But people do change with time, little aspects of their personality become incompatible and slowly but surely they drift away. That's sad of course but repairable - if both parties want it to be. Unfortunately part of these changes often involve irreparable differences and whilst I know a lot of people have drifted away from us all they never stop caring, maybe they just stop laughing at our jokes or loving us in our flawed beauty. We will never stop loving them though.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to think of five things or people that I love, then I'm going to tell them. Try it.

Apprehensive but fine

I write to you, petals, from college. I have completed and sent off UCAS, I have completed and handed in assignments meant to be half term work and I have had my stitches removed this morning.

I'm looking forward to a half term filled with sleep and nothing else. I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends. I'm looking forward to a break.

I'm good.

Morbid Outlook

Today I am having a day of realisation. There are no doubt many causes for this and there's no doubt that most of them will sound stupid to you. Last night I had a very bad night. I knew it was coming and I knew that no matter what any psychiatrist or caring friend said I could not avoid it, and I couldn't. For days now I've known, I've been practising for it and working up to it and feeling so utterly lifeless that I'm surprised I managed to do it.

But I did. The first aid supplies holding my arm in place are testament to this. It hurts, of course it does, but it feels like a deserved hurt - a hurt that I've earned. I feel sick, and probably sound it too, but at the same time I feel calm - because I have quelled the beast inside and fed to him his ritual serving of blood, until the next time.

I feel devoid of an identity today, lacking in direction. Christianity today is a distant hope, and happiness a far-fetched dream. Dutifully I came into college today, wrapped up like an eskimo.

Uhm

I was going to put a photo of me and some pals in France but then I realised how fat I looked, and cancelled it. So I found a better one.

I'm not feeling brilliant today, I know I'm a big mess. I'm getting there though.

Love ya

Reconciliation

Who knows if I spelt that properly? I don't know.
I love you guys, you know that? Everyone who ever visited here, I love you.
I felt I needed to write this post to apologise for my behaviour in the past few weeks/months. I am better now. Really I am. Next time I'll try not to take it out on you guys so much, cos that ain't fair! Anyway Niki is back, and she's looking to stay - will you have me? x

I'm having trouble,
With who I am,
Brown hair and eyes and
Skin that holds so many lies.
The colours they cascade around my world,
But monotone tears are all I produce.
My smile is wide,
The outlook sunny,
Though deep inside my soul protests.
I wonder if I'll ever match.
Conflicting feelings;
Mixed up mind,
Look inside and you'll see you're blind.
What you see is not what I am,
I'm nothing, not really.

x