Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Morbid Outlook

Today I am having a day of realisation. There are no doubt many causes for this and there's no doubt that most of them will sound stupid to you. Last night I had a very bad night. I knew it was coming and I knew that no matter what any psychiatrist or caring friend said I could not avoid it, and I couldn't. For days now I've known, I've been practising for it and working up to it and feeling so utterly lifeless that I'm surprised I managed to do it.

But I did. The first aid supplies holding my arm in place are testament to this. It hurts, of course it does, but it feels like a deserved hurt - a hurt that I've earned. I feel sick, and probably sound it too, but at the same time I feel calm - because I have quelled the beast inside and fed to him his ritual serving of blood, until the next time.

I feel devoid of an identity today, lacking in direction. Christianity today is a distant hope, and happiness a far-fetched dream. Dutifully I came into college today, wrapped up like an eskimo.

4 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Niki, if I could hold you and give you a big hug now I would - so please hug yourself. You're brave for talking about it.
I am hoping you do have someone to talk to in real life, to walk with you and help put this beast to bed so you don't feel the need to hurt yourself.
Good on you for getting up and going into college - you know you can overcome this.
And Happiness and Christianity - sometimes I feel as if both are like water seeping through cracks - we don't always have to go looking for them because they seep in when we're not looking.
Take care x

Niki said...

*hug*

Stagestruckgal said...

awww Niki dont worry. We all have bad days. Its good that you went to college today, warrior Niki is back and fighting. Be good to yourself. All this hurt isnt good for you. aw hell, now i dont know what else to say. apart from *hugs*. xx

Niki said...

*hugs* is all I need