Tuesday, October 24, 2006

No alarms and no surprises, please

I am without picture today and relying heavily on people recognising that inspired Radiohead quote up there. That's what happens if you don't get Broadband children. I had wanted to put a picture I took on Saturday morning whilst walking to work at sunrise, right across the Bailiwick and up into St Peter Port - even catching a bit of Beau Sejour and Les Cotils in the far right. Obviously this venture failed and will have to wait until I get back to college and the delights of free, fast Internet when I should be studying, then again a very wise man once said; "There's a lot of things I should do, kid"

This week is my reinvention week, my week to evaluate things. I've been wanting, and threatening, to do this for some time now but haven't had the time. Lo and behold along comes a little thing called half term to help me out. So inbetween reading all those books I meant to read ages ago, catching up on recomendations and making passable poems out of scribbles - I've also been changing.

I don't need to spend my wages as they arrive in my account each week. I don't need to buy copious amounts of clothes in a vain attempt to cheer myself up. I don't even need to buy that jumper in FatFace or those shoes in Sail Or Surf. I have everything I need. What I am going to do is save up for my car insurance and tax which both need renewing. I'm going to save for Uni. I'm going to save for a really torrential rainy day because spending on the little ones doesn't make them any brighter at all.

Last night I was reading through all the references that were kindly written for me when I was put forward for Lieutenant Governor's Cadet (Presentation ceremony on the 8th November - beward dodgy Guernsey Press photos of me in uniform). They are outstanding references and I can't get my head round them being about me. Me! John Elliott from GST wrote such a sweet one, and Jenny Falla from Guiding, a bunch of my teachers at school and even a little girl I babysit sometimes. They actually make me cry because what I'm reading here is how I appear to other people, it's enough to make anyone cry.

They say that people change, and I'd always maintained that my mum could change, my crazy alcoholic dad could change - but I never really believed it. They both have cars and houses and all they need, their lives suit them without change. I can't change anybody to fit in with my ideals for them - not my family and not my friends. But people do change with time, little aspects of their personality become incompatible and slowly but surely they drift away. That's sad of course but repairable - if both parties want it to be. Unfortunately part of these changes often involve irreparable differences and whilst I know a lot of people have drifted away from us all they never stop caring, maybe they just stop laughing at our jokes or loving us in our flawed beauty. We will never stop loving them though.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to think of five things or people that I love, then I'm going to tell them. Try it.

8 comments:

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

hope you got your 5 and that they appreciated it

Nodders said...

Yo, I'm still here, still reading, just taken a break from commenting on the past few posts, sorry.

It's not you who needs changing I don't think - you're head's in the right place, more than many other folk in this world can say for themselves. Here to support you though if you need me :)

Good luck, don't change too much xx

Niki said...

Paul yeah I did, they were taken aback I think but it felt good. It's what I do each morning now.

Gordon good to hear from you, and you've no idea what it means to have your support. xxx

Fuzzy said...

hello poppit, as to your reguest im commenting on your blogy thing. i am hungry please feed me. :)always remember never eat yellow snow i know from experience :(

Niki said...

yay it's jonti! love you x

Rainbow dreams said...

Hi Niki, its curious how we evolve and change and in retrospect how things work out, even from complete messes sometimes - God only knows how he does it.... I don't!
I am pleased you kept your refereneces safe - affirmation of who we are and how others see us can be such a good thing
Telling people we love that we do is important, am pleased you did,
Katie,x

Niki said...

Thank you Katie. It's not such a good morning today, but I'll get there. Love x

Awareness said...

Hi Niki

It's now Sunday evening here....middle of the night where you are.

I want to wish you good thoughts as you prepare for the next stretch of classes......just take it one moment at a time......and know that you're never alone.

Bon chance..........and happy studies.