Missed me?

Hello all you people

Apologies for the absence - life has been interfering damnit.

New pills, new lease on life. Working the 12 steps for self-harmers. Charity plans. You know the drill - I come to you all excited and a few weeks later I'm drunk on your cyber doorstep.

Horrible feeling Will's bought a new car or something ostentatious. I'll pretend not to be interested of course, then steal it at night and go on therapeutic jaunts to ASDA and other retail suckers.

See you soon

cipralex and money my life

Wish upon a star

You know that moment when you wake up from childhood? You know the one, when you realise you're not going to live in a castle, or be an astronaut, or have a crown - or whatever your particular dream was?
I had that moment the other day. The worst moment in a long time. I realised I wasn't going to live in a castle and spend all day chasing my children around until my husband rushes in the door and sweeps us all up.
I still have dreams of course - to pay rent and bills, to have children, to marry Will, to get a nicer car... They're still dreams, but they're attainable. They're justifyable.
I'm not saying kiss goodbye to all your dreams now, I'm just saying beware. If you haven't had 'that' day yet, run from it for as long as you can.

Animosity

Because I'm a lazy wench and not very festive I shall take this opportunity to collectively wish all my readers a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

There, that's that out of the way.

I've often wondered what it would be to have a meeting. A meeting with everyone who ever read this blog, and decided to stay with me as I chart the peaks and troughs of each wave of my life. Some of you I have met, of course, whilst others are the stuff of pictures and Facebook profiles.

I wonder whether we'd get along in 'real life'. I wonder whether we'd like each other. I've wondered where we would meet and what we would do. Would we talk or stand/sit embarrassed that this group of strangers, with whom we've shared our lives, are right here with us?

Just a thought for the New Year

PS - great article on Saturday Paul

Blogland Publicity

Good Evening all

I've written nothing of substance for quite some time, however today I have been struck by several ideas and thoughts which I feel would be perfect to explore here. I have promised people that I will write a diary but guess what? Screw that, this is my diary - this has been my life chart for over three years and though it has had its not so good moments it has still always been the first place I turn to when I need to justify my thoughts.

On that thought: sex blogging. I am pretty sure that there are very few readers of this page who also frequent this blogging phenomenon. I have just watched a Channel 4 programme, and though it focused on sex blogging it also raised interesting points on blogging at large. Most people I know have, or have had, a blog at some point and they've had readers. It has become apparent that many published authors were found via their blogs - this staggered me as it alerted me to the fact that these blogs attract millions of hits everyday. Maybe not mine - but the ones of substance.

Oh and on the subject of sex, since women are becoming more liberal, I had never embraced it until I met Will - it was something to be feared and something that men could use as a tool against women to hurt them. It was something I just wasn't supposed to think or talk about - but now I am in a stable relationship and sex has just become something which is spontaneous and makes our relationship more fun - and cheeky ;)

The next thing I wanted to talk about was the time of year; of course it is still officially autumn but outside it feels like winter. I just walked to the village in search of fatty food and everywhere you look there are beautiful shining crystals of ice - I could see every exhalation of my breath and those who hastily walked past me wrapped up in coats and hats and scarves and gloves - you'd think they lived in the Arctic, not East Yorkshire. I just had on boots, joggers and a hoody and I took my time walking. I saw the frost, I slipped on the ice, I laughed as my breath looked like delicate smoke. In Edinburgh there is snow, in Manitoba there is snow; here there is none, neither in Hampshire, neither in Guernsey.

Today I handed in my third and final essay of the first semester, with a sense of pride - it was something I did quickly but thoughtfully, like many of my essays. I went into town for Starbucks. I went to the Doctors and I picked up my ever-increasing repeat prescription. I came home. I finished packing. I cried. I hurt myself and then I cried a little more.

This, dear readers, is not the stuff of books - this is the stuff of my life.

And miles from where you are I, lay down on the cold floor

It isn't long until Will leaves for Scotland.

I had another CPN appointment today, my medication might change.

Will is 21 on Saturday.

I haven't written a poem since October 2006.

Writer/human/thing...in despair.

Force 7

I've been feeling 'iffy', as it were, for quite some time. I dismissed this as depression and nothing to take into consideration; sure Will took me into hospital and I discharged myself, but I figured a big fuss over nothing.
I've been having a lot of memories which forced into perspective a lot of my previous memories, and it now emerges that the bipolar disorder with which I have been diagnosed, has fabricated many of my memories and traumatic events.
Today I went to the neurologist (a condition of my discharged AMA) and he told me that legally I cannot drive for one year as they think I have epilepsy. I have to have more tests to see if they can confirm that my fainting is actually seizures; and thus epilepsy.

NO DRIVING

FOR A YEAR?!

YEAH-FUCKING-RIGHT

Peter Pan and Goblin Market

So I am busy. Not just at Uni but in my head and my life and my finances and my thoughts. Right now I am reflecting, reflecting on all the chances I didn't take and mistakes I made and friends I lost.

I threw away a poetry scholarship to Cambridge, a scholarship to UKSA and a Volvo...but those things wouldn't have changed my life, just made me a little different. I'd still have thought the same, just maybe lived a little different.

I still listen to Shania Twain, I still browse Clinique catalogues and I still say 'fuck you' to people who judge me. But I do none of them with conviction.

I don't cut myself but I do hurt. I don't drink but I do crave. I don't frown but I don't smile.

I'm still a mess of a person. But slowly I'm realising that I am a beautiful mess. And if I want to wear a sleeveless gold dress on a cruise to Amsterdam then I'm downright gonna do that...and I did.

We went to Amsterdam for a few days and it was fab; it showed me that I am me, no matter what my surroundings might be.

Un mot, et tout est perdu

Well, well, well, well....

Nowt much to say here from Le Hull...

I am considering giving up French...

I have done no Christmas shopping...

I want to be a Primary School teacher...

Will's blowing up monsters on his PS3....

I am always hungry...

I am always tired...

Musings

Hi everyone, anyone...

This past week hasn't been my best, save for handing in an essay and going to an English lecture I have not been to Uni. I've been scared to go into Cottingham. I've been scared to leave my room. I've forgotten things, and people. I've been sad.

Today, it's a little less foggier. I still feel sad. But not so sad. My medication got doubled and next week I have three appointments with various professionals who want to help me...me! Fancy that...

I haven't got dressed today, and I don't intend to. I have a lot of work to catch up on I'm sure, a lot of apologies to make to tutors and lecturers. I shall concern myself with that on Monday.

I'm still in love, and by some miracle I think I'm still loved. I know I sound up my own arse today but it's one of those days...so deal with it ;) I've got things to worry about, and uncertanties and sadness. But it's okay. I'm not on my own.

Thanks everybody for bearing with me

You've missed me right?

Well sorry but even if you haven't it's time for a proper update, methinks.

You all know that I'm at Hull Uni, studying English and French with a view to attain a Joint Honours in these obtuse programmes of study. Ooh only one week in and I already sound like a pretentious, somewhat scatty, english graduate. Fancy that.

You don't know that I've been very down lately. Really down. I did not go out for Freshers (not that I drink anyway) but still. I do not leave my dorm room open, I close it and lock it. I do not get up until 4pm for my 4:15pm lectures, and sometimes I don't even rise for those. Now I know that Freshers is tough on everyone, I know that everyone's in the same boat.

But it doesn't feel that way.

Since I left Guernsey back in...July? I've seen no Psychiatrist, taken no medicati0n (save for my secret emergency stash of Diazepam, and now even that's gone) and basically not opened up to anyone - not even the man I am going to marry.

Of course now I've booked an appointment with the Uni Mental Health team - whatever the fright that is. Registered and booked an appointment with a local Doctor. And cried all over Will for what I estimate to be around 3-4 hours a day. I even ate last night and didn't throw it up, for the first time in a long while.

I have been eating, of course, I shan't let myself get ill over this. But it seems every other meal I do force down, forces its way back up. Why? I have 'aucune idee'.

Nastiness aside, I now have two fish swimming around in a bowl next to me. Frankie, and Benny - because the petstore is right next door to which American eaterie....
I did have Sharky and George, but I seemed to have killed them both within hours of carefully introducting them to their new home. So, never one to be phased, I sent Will out the very next day to get me two new recruits. And I'm pleased to say that they're doing well. Frankie is the Goldfish and Benny the Comet, by the way...

Oh and before I forget. Yes I am living in halls and no there are no pets allowed. But you won't tell will you?

This is the earliest I've been up in days. I look around and yes, my room looks like home - not a patch of wall bare. I see Will asleep on the floor over there, next to my single bed (he too has been snuck in, to take care of me). I don't see anything that upsets me or scares me, yet I am both of those things. Why? Who knows...

I promise this was not intended to be what it has become, a long and pitying rant from a middle class girl with nowt but a few bad scrapes to be upset about. So, once more, I apologise.

Oh but I have gone quite a little while without harming myself in any way now...go me.

Welcome back readers, it's like neither of us ever left.

The University of Hull

Well hello there my gorgeous readers (if there are any of you left!)

So I am officially enrolled at Hull Uni, doing BA Joint Honours in English and French. I have attended lectures today, and apparently I do still know a thing or two!

My room's pretty big and my blockmates aren't at all bad. I've forgotten totally all my MSN details since it's been so long so watch this space for yet another new address - my phone numbers are also new so let me know if you want them.

I can't think what to say

I'm not fat

Just thought I'd let you all know that I am not fat. Nope. What Will says goes and he says I am not. So there you go. I'm a perfectly healthy, and very possibly sexy, normal size.

I'm living in Doncaster atm pending my start at Hull Uni sometime in September - I will find out exactly when I start and whether I have anywhere to live, I promise I will.

Sorry if I've been hard to get hold of lately; I'm not sure what to write most of the time or I don't have anything of note to say... Either way I'm still around and you can get me on the e-mail at anytime - I check them most days.

I hope you're all doing okay, I will start reading blogs again soon I just need to get settled and then service will resume as normal.

Smile and be beautiful

Obstacles

So you know the bit about leaving Guernsey and finding the dream boy and planning the wedding etc etc...what you don't know is that I am a somewhat stupid person. I figured all of this would 'cure' me of my ills and put my bad memories to rest.

But for two weeks now I wake up several times a night being shaken by Will from a nightmare in which I'm reliving every bad experience ever...it's like being there again, being through it again. It upsets not only me but Will also.

I cry and I'm still cutting.

What's going on? I do not know.

I got my A Level results today and they weren't what people expected of me, I'm going to Hull University rather than Edinburgh and strictly speaking I didn't even make the grades for that...

So I'm living the dream, but still the black nightmare appears to write the scripts.

Love

So. I am in love. I am engaged to the most beautiful person you will ever meet. Soul-mate, life partner, husband...whatever you choose to call him that's what he is. I call him mine. Someone wants me and I want them. We are in love.

I have no idea what to write. I can't write. I'm too happy and overjoyed to even think about what writing is. Writing's always been my escape and my salvation, well right now Will is all of those things and more.

*sigh*

Current status? No idea...

I've had a lot of shitty problems lately, I'm sorry if any of you have e-mailed me and I've not replied...basically I didn't get them through one way or another.

I'm living in hotel staff accomodation with the boyf.

I'm jobless after losing mine.

I'm fat because chinese food makes me happy.

I'm lonely because the boyf is at work.

I need to get out of this Island.

I'm in love and it is scary as hell.

I have a lot I need to say; I left my medication and my therapist.

I can't say any of it.

Life Update

I've been neglecting this little space recently; posting photographs and odd words with no real insight into my actual current life, I'm sorry. Well here I am now and I'm going to tell you it all. I'm afriad...

So I have finished 6th Form College and as of Thursday 22nd June I will have completed my A Levels - the results are out on the 16th August. I go back for final assembly on the 29th June, if I'm here then in Guernsey. Right now I have no idea where I might be then. This Wednesday my boyfriend is moving back from his home to Guernsey where we and a bunch of friends are going out for a belated Birthday party on Friday 22nd June. After that we're job hunting in either Guernsey or Jersey.

Guernsey doesn't sound or seem quite so awful when you've someone here loving you, someone willing to move hundreds of miles to look after you. In September we will either both be moving up to Edinburgh University or I'm taking a year out to spend time in the house he just bought in Venice doing it up and the like - depending on my A Level results.

As for the crazy stuff, well I'm doing ok. I haven't seen my psychiatrist for a good few weeks now, through clashes in both our schedules. But I have been taking my medication and spent last week reducing it - I'm not going to base my happiness around the boy who loves me but I don't want to be on the pills when they're not really necessary. I know now the signs of when I'm getting down and I'm better equipped to stop it, and if all else fails I know what medication works for me and what doesn't.

Family are all well, my Mum and Sisters are thinking of moving over to the Mainland when I leave; but that's just an idea at the moment, so far as I can tell. I don't see my Dad very much and I think we're both happier for it, I think there came a point when it hurt me to be with him and know he didn't realise what he was doing, I realise now that if he's going to change it'll have to be off his own back - I can't do anything more for him. I'm eighteen years old now and he's forty-seven. We can't play role-reversal now, I'm ready to start my life, just for me.

Last week I went to the beach, to swim, for the first time in three years. I wore a bikini and I swam with my boy on the beach. I got a suntan on my arms and my shoulders for the first time since I was just fifteen. I got driven around. I got looked after. I felt like a someone. I feel like my life is starting, I feel like Nikita is now living for Nikita - not for Mum or for Dad or even for Friends. I want to be happy and for the first time ever I feel I deserve it. Or course I feel selfish for churning all this out, but I know I probably shouldn't.

I have moments when I panic, but I can see through them. I can drink without getting inebriated within an hour. I don't smoke. I don't go to Church, rather I live by little philosophies and quotes which I like. I smile at people. I study when I have time. I chat to people who I love. I know that this is by no means it, I know I am only eighteen and there are tougher times ahead. But I know what I've gotten through and I know where I'm going tomorrow, the rest is superfluous and all part of the ride, right?

Eighteen

Well there we have it folks. The ripe old age of 18. I am now an adult. Ish.

I feel I should share some wisdom, but I haven't found any yet - gimme another 18 years and I'll get back to you.

As it is I'll leave you on this...

... Fall in love quickly

Smile unquestioningly

Look deeply

Live forever

GGS 6th Form Leavers Ball 07

The best evening of my life

Wobbly

This might not be the best time to write a blog because I am in a somewhat snappy and unimpressed mood.

I had a fantastic French exam on Tuesday.

It is my prom on Friday.

I take offense so easily, you know? The slightest little thing and I'm in tears and wondering what I've done wrong. I'm emotional today. I'm tired.

No, not pregnant. Before I get accused of that.

I dunno