Sunday, June 17, 2007

Life Update

I've been neglecting this little space recently; posting photographs and odd words with no real insight into my actual current life, I'm sorry. Well here I am now and I'm going to tell you it all. I'm afriad...

So I have finished 6th Form College and as of Thursday 22nd June I will have completed my A Levels - the results are out on the 16th August. I go back for final assembly on the 29th June, if I'm here then in Guernsey. Right now I have no idea where I might be then. This Wednesday my boyfriend is moving back from his home to Guernsey where we and a bunch of friends are going out for a belated Birthday party on Friday 22nd June. After that we're job hunting in either Guernsey or Jersey.

Guernsey doesn't sound or seem quite so awful when you've someone here loving you, someone willing to move hundreds of miles to look after you. In September we will either both be moving up to Edinburgh University or I'm taking a year out to spend time in the house he just bought in Venice doing it up and the like - depending on my A Level results.

As for the crazy stuff, well I'm doing ok. I haven't seen my psychiatrist for a good few weeks now, through clashes in both our schedules. But I have been taking my medication and spent last week reducing it - I'm not going to base my happiness around the boy who loves me but I don't want to be on the pills when they're not really necessary. I know now the signs of when I'm getting down and I'm better equipped to stop it, and if all else fails I know what medication works for me and what doesn't.

Family are all well, my Mum and Sisters are thinking of moving over to the Mainland when I leave; but that's just an idea at the moment, so far as I can tell. I don't see my Dad very much and I think we're both happier for it, I think there came a point when it hurt me to be with him and know he didn't realise what he was doing, I realise now that if he's going to change it'll have to be off his own back - I can't do anything more for him. I'm eighteen years old now and he's forty-seven. We can't play role-reversal now, I'm ready to start my life, just for me.

Last week I went to the beach, to swim, for the first time in three years. I wore a bikini and I swam with my boy on the beach. I got a suntan on my arms and my shoulders for the first time since I was just fifteen. I got driven around. I got looked after. I felt like a someone. I feel like my life is starting, I feel like Nikita is now living for Nikita - not for Mum or for Dad or even for Friends. I want to be happy and for the first time ever I feel I deserve it. Or course I feel selfish for churning all this out, but I know I probably shouldn't.

I have moments when I panic, but I can see through them. I can drink without getting inebriated within an hour. I don't smoke. I don't go to Church, rather I live by little philosophies and quotes which I like. I smile at people. I study when I have time. I chat to people who I love. I know that this is by no means it, I know I am only eighteen and there are tougher times ahead. But I know what I've gotten through and I know where I'm going tomorrow, the rest is superfluous and all part of the ride, right?

8 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Happy Birthday for Friday, sorry I'm late...

You know you sound as if you've got your head on straighter than most people I know - hope you have a wonderful summer and enjoy the adventure that is just beginning, take care, Katie,xx

mister tumnus said...

if it helps i can tell you that i would never want to go back and do the years between 11 and 20 again. i am much happier now than i was then and that is partly due to self acceptance (hard work but worth it, although i have to say i have NEVER worn a swimsuit on the beach- well, once, in a foreign country! my shoulders remain pearly white!!).

of course we can't predict what will happen. the only thing we ever get to practice control of is our own way of seeing things. i'm still working on that! but the possibility of it keeps me interested....

have a great end-of-exams celebration/sleep!

Niki said...

Thank you Katie. You be good to yourself too ok? xx

Mr T, wise words as always - I shall take them. Take care xx

Awareness said...

I love how you are reflecting here.....it is the end of the school year and the beginning of many adventures.

Mr. T sums it up well......we can't predict, but we can choose how we perceive and receive...and yes, I too am still working on that. (Mr T, we have to get you to a beach!! :)

take care......are you sailing this summer?

mister tumnus said...

awareness, believe it or not i live beside the sea! so i'm on the beach a lot. perhaps this summer will be my most naked summer...

Awareness said...

Mr. T.......you do? Then, it's time to strut your stuff. :)

Niki said...

my blog hates me

Rainbow dreams said...

why? is blogger playing up?