Friday, October 05, 2007

You've missed me right?

Well sorry but even if you haven't it's time for a proper update, methinks.

You all know that I'm at Hull Uni, studying English and French with a view to attain a Joint Honours in these obtuse programmes of study. Ooh only one week in and I already sound like a pretentious, somewhat scatty, english graduate. Fancy that.

You don't know that I've been very down lately. Really down. I did not go out for Freshers (not that I drink anyway) but still. I do not leave my dorm room open, I close it and lock it. I do not get up until 4pm for my 4:15pm lectures, and sometimes I don't even rise for those. Now I know that Freshers is tough on everyone, I know that everyone's in the same boat.

But it doesn't feel that way.

Since I left Guernsey back in...July? I've seen no Psychiatrist, taken no medicati0n (save for my secret emergency stash of Diazepam, and now even that's gone) and basically not opened up to anyone - not even the man I am going to marry.

Of course now I've booked an appointment with the Uni Mental Health team - whatever the fright that is. Registered and booked an appointment with a local Doctor. And cried all over Will for what I estimate to be around 3-4 hours a day. I even ate last night and didn't throw it up, for the first time in a long while.

I have been eating, of course, I shan't let myself get ill over this. But it seems every other meal I do force down, forces its way back up. Why? I have 'aucune idee'.

Nastiness aside, I now have two fish swimming around in a bowl next to me. Frankie, and Benny - because the petstore is right next door to which American eaterie....
I did have Sharky and George, but I seemed to have killed them both within hours of carefully introducting them to their new home. So, never one to be phased, I sent Will out the very next day to get me two new recruits. And I'm pleased to say that they're doing well. Frankie is the Goldfish and Benny the Comet, by the way...

Oh and before I forget. Yes I am living in halls and no there are no pets allowed. But you won't tell will you?

This is the earliest I've been up in days. I look around and yes, my room looks like home - not a patch of wall bare. I see Will asleep on the floor over there, next to my single bed (he too has been snuck in, to take care of me). I don't see anything that upsets me or scares me, yet I am both of those things. Why? Who knows...

I promise this was not intended to be what it has become, a long and pitying rant from a middle class girl with nowt but a few bad scrapes to be upset about. So, once more, I apologise.

Oh but I have gone quite a little while without harming myself in any way now...go me.

Welcome back readers, it's like neither of us ever left.


Stagestruckgal said...

of course weve missed you. freshers is tough on everyone, but its tougher for different people. its good that you booked an appointment with someone, it never helps to keep it all in all the time, but i dont need to tell you that. a step in the right direction it seems. im sorry to hear you feel down at the mo, its going to get better. hows the course, does it feel right? if it does, thats going to help. i hope you feel better soon honey. *hugs* Laura xxx

Niki said...

Hey Laura, thank you for the encouragement - it really does mean a lot. The course is fine, save for a dodgy hour a week in French history since 3BC - I want to speak French. But there, I can't be ignorant all the time.
Thank you sparkle, *hugs* xxx

Lolly said...

Heylo you

Haven't spoken to you in a while.

Just wanted to say I hope things are going well - understand starting uni is a hard time. x

Rainbow dreams said...

Yes I missed you - and thought I'd posted here but yet again thought I'd done it when I hadn't!!
the fish sounds great and so does Will staying over - rules are meant to be broken ...right???
It takes time to settle - and everyone does it in their own way, good on you for getting an appointment, you'll be just've coped with more than this before and now you've got someone to share it with, hugs and love

Niki said...

Hey Lou! I've missed you sparkle star. Things are going okay, tonight's my first night alone, I guess I'm doing okay. Hey I have a new MSN if you fancy catching up sometime? xx

Hi Katie both the fish and Will are well, although it's just me and the fish here tonight! I know I can do this, I just let things get to me a lot - as any reader of this blog can tell!
Good luck tomorrow darl. xx