Musings

Hi everyone, anyone...

This past week hasn't been my best, save for handing in an essay and going to an English lecture I have not been to Uni. I've been scared to go into Cottingham. I've been scared to leave my room. I've forgotten things, and people. I've been sad.

Today, it's a little less foggier. I still feel sad. But not so sad. My medication got doubled and next week I have three appointments with various professionals who want to help me...me! Fancy that...

I haven't got dressed today, and I don't intend to. I have a lot of work to catch up on I'm sure, a lot of apologies to make to tutors and lecturers. I shall concern myself with that on Monday.

I'm still in love, and by some miracle I think I'm still loved. I know I sound up my own arse today but it's one of those days...so deal with it ;) I've got things to worry about, and uncertanties and sadness. But it's okay. I'm not on my own.

Thanks everybody for bearing with me

You've missed me right?

Well sorry but even if you haven't it's time for a proper update, methinks.

You all know that I'm at Hull Uni, studying English and French with a view to attain a Joint Honours in these obtuse programmes of study. Ooh only one week in and I already sound like a pretentious, somewhat scatty, english graduate. Fancy that.

You don't know that I've been very down lately. Really down. I did not go out for Freshers (not that I drink anyway) but still. I do not leave my dorm room open, I close it and lock it. I do not get up until 4pm for my 4:15pm lectures, and sometimes I don't even rise for those. Now I know that Freshers is tough on everyone, I know that everyone's in the same boat.

But it doesn't feel that way.

Since I left Guernsey back in...July? I've seen no Psychiatrist, taken no medicati0n (save for my secret emergency stash of Diazepam, and now even that's gone) and basically not opened up to anyone - not even the man I am going to marry.

Of course now I've booked an appointment with the Uni Mental Health team - whatever the fright that is. Registered and booked an appointment with a local Doctor. And cried all over Will for what I estimate to be around 3-4 hours a day. I even ate last night and didn't throw it up, for the first time in a long while.

I have been eating, of course, I shan't let myself get ill over this. But it seems every other meal I do force down, forces its way back up. Why? I have 'aucune idee'.

Nastiness aside, I now have two fish swimming around in a bowl next to me. Frankie, and Benny - because the petstore is right next door to which American eaterie....
I did have Sharky and George, but I seemed to have killed them both within hours of carefully introducting them to their new home. So, never one to be phased, I sent Will out the very next day to get me two new recruits. And I'm pleased to say that they're doing well. Frankie is the Goldfish and Benny the Comet, by the way...

Oh and before I forget. Yes I am living in halls and no there are no pets allowed. But you won't tell will you?

This is the earliest I've been up in days. I look around and yes, my room looks like home - not a patch of wall bare. I see Will asleep on the floor over there, next to my single bed (he too has been snuck in, to take care of me). I don't see anything that upsets me or scares me, yet I am both of those things. Why? Who knows...

I promise this was not intended to be what it has become, a long and pitying rant from a middle class girl with nowt but a few bad scrapes to be upset about. So, once more, I apologise.

Oh but I have gone quite a little while without harming myself in any way now...go me.

Welcome back readers, it's like neither of us ever left.

The University of Hull

Well hello there my gorgeous readers (if there are any of you left!)

So I am officially enrolled at Hull Uni, doing BA Joint Honours in English and French. I have attended lectures today, and apparently I do still know a thing or two!

My room's pretty big and my blockmates aren't at all bad. I've forgotten totally all my MSN details since it's been so long so watch this space for yet another new address - my phone numbers are also new so let me know if you want them.

I can't think what to say

I'm not fat

Just thought I'd let you all know that I am not fat. Nope. What Will says goes and he says I am not. So there you go. I'm a perfectly healthy, and very possibly sexy, normal size.

I'm living in Doncaster atm pending my start at Hull Uni sometime in September - I will find out exactly when I start and whether I have anywhere to live, I promise I will.

Sorry if I've been hard to get hold of lately; I'm not sure what to write most of the time or I don't have anything of note to say... Either way I'm still around and you can get me on the e-mail at anytime - I check them most days.

I hope you're all doing okay, I will start reading blogs again soon I just need to get settled and then service will resume as normal.

Smile and be beautiful

Obstacles

So you know the bit about leaving Guernsey and finding the dream boy and planning the wedding etc etc...what you don't know is that I am a somewhat stupid person. I figured all of this would 'cure' me of my ills and put my bad memories to rest.

But for two weeks now I wake up several times a night being shaken by Will from a nightmare in which I'm reliving every bad experience ever...it's like being there again, being through it again. It upsets not only me but Will also.

I cry and I'm still cutting.

What's going on? I do not know.

I got my A Level results today and they weren't what people expected of me, I'm going to Hull University rather than Edinburgh and strictly speaking I didn't even make the grades for that...

So I'm living the dream, but still the black nightmare appears to write the scripts.

Love

So. I am in love. I am engaged to the most beautiful person you will ever meet. Soul-mate, life partner, husband...whatever you choose to call him that's what he is. I call him mine. Someone wants me and I want them. We are in love.

I have no idea what to write. I can't write. I'm too happy and overjoyed to even think about what writing is. Writing's always been my escape and my salvation, well right now Will is all of those things and more.

*sigh*

Current status? No idea...

I've had a lot of shitty problems lately, I'm sorry if any of you have e-mailed me and I've not replied...basically I didn't get them through one way or another.

I'm living in hotel staff accomodation with the boyf.

I'm jobless after losing mine.

I'm fat because chinese food makes me happy.

I'm lonely because the boyf is at work.

I need to get out of this Island.

I'm in love and it is scary as hell.

I have a lot I need to say; I left my medication and my therapist.

I can't say any of it.

Life Update

I've been neglecting this little space recently; posting photographs and odd words with no real insight into my actual current life, I'm sorry. Well here I am now and I'm going to tell you it all. I'm afriad...

So I have finished 6th Form College and as of Thursday 22nd June I will have completed my A Levels - the results are out on the 16th August. I go back for final assembly on the 29th June, if I'm here then in Guernsey. Right now I have no idea where I might be then. This Wednesday my boyfriend is moving back from his home to Guernsey where we and a bunch of friends are going out for a belated Birthday party on Friday 22nd June. After that we're job hunting in either Guernsey or Jersey.

Guernsey doesn't sound or seem quite so awful when you've someone here loving you, someone willing to move hundreds of miles to look after you. In September we will either both be moving up to Edinburgh University or I'm taking a year out to spend time in the house he just bought in Venice doing it up and the like - depending on my A Level results.

As for the crazy stuff, well I'm doing ok. I haven't seen my psychiatrist for a good few weeks now, through clashes in both our schedules. But I have been taking my medication and spent last week reducing it - I'm not going to base my happiness around the boy who loves me but I don't want to be on the pills when they're not really necessary. I know now the signs of when I'm getting down and I'm better equipped to stop it, and if all else fails I know what medication works for me and what doesn't.

Family are all well, my Mum and Sisters are thinking of moving over to the Mainland when I leave; but that's just an idea at the moment, so far as I can tell. I don't see my Dad very much and I think we're both happier for it, I think there came a point when it hurt me to be with him and know he didn't realise what he was doing, I realise now that if he's going to change it'll have to be off his own back - I can't do anything more for him. I'm eighteen years old now and he's forty-seven. We can't play role-reversal now, I'm ready to start my life, just for me.

Last week I went to the beach, to swim, for the first time in three years. I wore a bikini and I swam with my boy on the beach. I got a suntan on my arms and my shoulders for the first time since I was just fifteen. I got driven around. I got looked after. I felt like a someone. I feel like my life is starting, I feel like Nikita is now living for Nikita - not for Mum or for Dad or even for Friends. I want to be happy and for the first time ever I feel I deserve it. Or course I feel selfish for churning all this out, but I know I probably shouldn't.

I have moments when I panic, but I can see through them. I can drink without getting inebriated within an hour. I don't smoke. I don't go to Church, rather I live by little philosophies and quotes which I like. I smile at people. I study when I have time. I chat to people who I love. I know that this is by no means it, I know I am only eighteen and there are tougher times ahead. But I know what I've gotten through and I know where I'm going tomorrow, the rest is superfluous and all part of the ride, right?

Eighteen

Well there we have it folks. The ripe old age of 18. I am now an adult. Ish.

I feel I should share some wisdom, but I haven't found any yet - gimme another 18 years and I'll get back to you.

As it is I'll leave you on this...

... Fall in love quickly

Smile unquestioningly

Look deeply

Live forever

GGS 6th Form Leavers Ball 07

The best evening of my life

Wobbly

This might not be the best time to write a blog because I am in a somewhat snappy and unimpressed mood.

I had a fantastic French exam on Tuesday.

It is my prom on Friday.

I take offense so easily, you know? The slightest little thing and I'm in tears and wondering what I've done wrong. I'm emotional today. I'm tired.

No, not pregnant. Before I get accused of that.

I dunno

Change

I've always written or bragged about being someone who can handle change, maybe even someone who thrives on change, and maybe I used to be. Used to be. I've got to know what it is to be me more than ever before this past academic year and I've got my safe routines; I always take my pills at my locker, I always give Kayleigh a hug and walk round the school before classes start. I always go to the Candie Store to get lunch, then go to the gym and then home for a shower. These are all tiny things but they're things I've come to rely on. I don't mean I'm never spontaneous; there's nothing better than a piece of cake in Pelicans or a wander round the shops with my girls.

What do I do now? Find new routines when I'm working here there and everywhere? Find a new place to eat lunch while I'm travelling? Fit revision and clearing out my room into the day to day business of surviving?

It might seem like I'm exaggerating all this and maybe I am, it's just today though that I realised change isn't always that great. And while change might be great when I have the choice, when it's thrust upon me I don't feel comfortable with it. I haven't planned for it.

One day at a time then, I suppose

An End

I will post more photos of the end of my era, but I shall wait until all exams are conquered. Sorry I look so fat in here; it's the girls of my English Lit class. I'm going to miss that class the most. Mr Samuel Thompson was our mentor; he is getting married on Saturday. The end.

Fuck Yes

You know what? I've been writing this and known some of you for quite some time; you know I'm a fickle bugger and one to drown in self-pity on regular occasions. I am self-obsessed and let's face it, pretty selfish all together. Tonight I have absolutely no idea how to make my life work. But you know what?

I feel fucking fantastic

It makes no sense. But then things rarely do, I've learnt to spend a little less time deciphering the good moments and just relish them - there'll be plenty of deciphering to do when the next down comes. But just now, right now; I feel amazing.

I feel like surfing, I feel like hiking out on a damn big yacht, I feel like staying out all night on the beach, I feel like travelling a million miles to see an acquaintance, I feel unstoppable. I am going to ride this wave out until the very last wash; my board may be scuffed and a little run-down, but it sure as hell still slices that water.

Don't ever give up

Ugh

It's all I can say today.

I'm alive.

Through all the pain your eyes stayed blue

Just before you all realise; no this photo has absolutely no relevance to what I'm going to post about today. I just found it on my laptop and realised it's over a year since I last stood looking up the skirts of La Tour Eiffel in Paris. Funny how time flies when you're having fun huh? I know it's a stereotypical view of Paris - but I don't care, I even bought a 3 euro beret when I first went to the city of romance. One day I shall run away there and just spend everyday sitting in a cafe outside Notre Dame and strolling past the stalls on the Seine.

*Enough of that romantic clap-trap.*

I really don't have a reason for posting today. I have just got broadband installed and so I am now to be found most evenings at my laptop beaming my ugly mug out via a webcam to any poor person who happens to be online. Wireless is dangerous. Although I will say it's giving me something to do at 3am when I seem to be waking up at the moment.

However just now I should be doing a French Listening practice test. I love french. I just can't bring myself to spend an hour listening to some english person trying to talk about police brutality in french. I will do it before school tomorrow, I promise.

Someone give me a purpose

Crying in the Dark

Forgive me, I need to get this out before it consumes me.

I am so lucky. So lucky. I have a house to live in, I have family, I have friends and I have air in my lungs. I am loved. I love.

Yet

I am crying. I am crying because it hurts so much to have these things. It hurts. It has done for as long as I can remember. I heard such a sad story yesterday and I've cried about it - I can't tell you as it's not mine to share.

I ignored my best friend, Saffron, all day today. All day. I ignored her. I wouldn't let her close for a hug. I wouldn't answer her honestly.

I have my beautiful boy who loves me and who I love.

So what the fuck is all of this in my head? These tears? This hurt?

What is it?

I have no credit on my phone, thankfully. There's no-one calling me and I can't call anyone. I've pushed too hard this time.

Poetry In Motion

I went to this fantastic evening last week at Guernsey's new Performing Arts Centre.
Grace and I set off in Reginald the little Micra and arrived much too early to be greeted by all of the poets posing for their group shot.
Mr Samuel Thompson, our A Level English Lit teacher is a member of the PIM group and is a fantastic published poet - I have both of his books. I like to think we made his evening by showing our support - indeed he dedicated his second set to "All the young ones out there" - by the immortal Bruce Springsteen.
All of the poetry was fantastic and the handouts of collected works have been read and re-read a million times over the weekend. There were so many different styles and I came away with a notebook full of new ideas, as well as a big grin on my face.
The retiring collection was in aid of Help a Guernsey child and they made a welcome sum that evening from the full audience in the black drama studio.
If anyone wishes to read or learn more about the Poets in Motion please let me know - I can't recommend them enough.

PS I am in love. I spent the best weekend of my life with the most beautiful boy in the world and I love him...more. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Don't Touch

This morning I write to you frustrated, I am out of my numb and ponderous stage and have now moved to being highly annoyed and ridiculously jumpy.
Why? Well to be honest if I knew anything I'd not be asking that stupid question now would I? I'd be basking in my own glory wearing something suitably divine and looking like heaven. Which I do not.
I am fed up with therapy. It's too much like hard work - there's a reason I blocked all those shitty things out and to be honest talking about them with a middle aged man who's now annoyingly like a friend while he sits there getting angry about things I am not is doing nothing for my temper. I am reducing my medication also because I would rather like to go to University without being under the care of some CAMHS team or another - I would like that particular part of my life to be scrubbed from my UCAS application and just for once I want to see whether I can do it on my own.
Y'see that was the whole point of going to Uni far away; to start again. Who the hell am I kidding? It was to run away. And that's what I'm damn well going to do; I am going to run away without a diary or a prescription or a blade or a tear.
For the summer I am working in a Hotel, a Bank and a Hostel.
I am not able to join the Sail4Cancer team at Cowes because the parentals think I should be working on my long summer; not making use of possibly the last one I'll ever have without debts.
I am spending money like there's no tomorrow and damn it, it's not making it any better.
I am lonely and I'm damn well glad of it.
I'm going sleeve-free and I don't give a damn because the scars won't get any better without sun exposure so everyone else will just have to deal with it; people at the gym have been ignoring it for years. Apart from the old people - they don't like it at all.
This mood, I know, marks the beginning of a manic time. And you know what? Damned if I'm going to stop it.

I am aware of how many times I said damn.

Ah

I've no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I just needed to connect, I think. Spiritbear, who dropped by the last post - which was very kind of him, noted that I pour my heart out here.

This struck me.

I am very honest here, yes. Possibly even too honest.

But this is by no means an account of my life. There are a lot of things I cannot say here, wouldn't say even if I could.

I don't know. Ignore me. Keep sparkling.