Saturday, April 28, 2007

Don't Touch

This morning I write to you frustrated, I am out of my numb and ponderous stage and have now moved to being highly annoyed and ridiculously jumpy.
Why? Well to be honest if I knew anything I'd not be asking that stupid question now would I? I'd be basking in my own glory wearing something suitably divine and looking like heaven. Which I do not.
I am fed up with therapy. It's too much like hard work - there's a reason I blocked all those shitty things out and to be honest talking about them with a middle aged man who's now annoyingly like a friend while he sits there getting angry about things I am not is doing nothing for my temper. I am reducing my medication also because I would rather like to go to University without being under the care of some CAMHS team or another - I would like that particular part of my life to be scrubbed from my UCAS application and just for once I want to see whether I can do it on my own.
Y'see that was the whole point of going to Uni far away; to start again. Who the hell am I kidding? It was to run away. And that's what I'm damn well going to do; I am going to run away without a diary or a prescription or a blade or a tear.
For the summer I am working in a Hotel, a Bank and a Hostel.
I am not able to join the Sail4Cancer team at Cowes because the parentals think I should be working on my long summer; not making use of possibly the last one I'll ever have without debts.
I am spending money like there's no tomorrow and damn it, it's not making it any better.
I am lonely and I'm damn well glad of it.
I'm going sleeve-free and I don't give a damn because the scars won't get any better without sun exposure so everyone else will just have to deal with it; people at the gym have been ignoring it for years. Apart from the old people - they don't like it at all.
This mood, I know, marks the beginning of a manic time. And you know what? Damned if I'm going to stop it.

I am aware of how many times I said damn.

10 comments:

Stagestruckgal said...

Niki - if you want to do it on your own, then we're here. I am, and I'm sure others are as well. University isnt about running away, its about becoming your own person in a different environment. I know because I've done it. Alright, my situation wasnt in any way similar to yours but thats the crux of the matter. I respect you for making that decision, and the others you've suggested in your post. I am proud of you for going sleeve-free, so proud. for risk of sounding like a therapist i shall shut up. i hope youre ok. *hugs*

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

good for you to go sleevless, i may have said this before, but we all have scars - just some more visible than others.

Right, i too will shut up now

Niki said...

Laura *hugs*. I know you're right - Uni doesn't even have to be for one reason, but yes it is to be myself. To live for myself. Or try anyway. I'm ok. Are you? x

Paul thanks; you'll change your mind if you ever see me walking down Smith Street ;)
I read that you were ill; I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

Oh and neither of you shut up. I need you...

Lolly said...

Don't stress the little things, enjoy life to the full, you only live once so might as well make the most of it :)

For some reason I went into cheesy optimistic greeting card mode there..!!

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

niki
no i wouldn't...

Awareness said...

walk proudly sweetie........dammit. :0)

Stagestruckgal said...

Aye, not too bad thanks :)

I'm not gonna shut up Niki. I wouldnt. I'm here for keeps. :)

Rainbow dreams said...

Sounds like you're just taking control Niki, and whether it's running away or starting again...does it really matter? sometimes we just need to get away...

Hope your week's been ok, Katie,x

Niki said...

Lou; and what a greeting card that was. Now draw me a picture...

If you say so Paul

:) thanks Dana

Thanks Laura - that's very very good

Katie it's been a wild week; roll on the long weekend huh? x

Niki said...

Note to Self: Write about PIM evening