Our little trip down south went very well. Alfie's great-grandparents absolutely adored him and it was lovely for me to see them again too. We spent some time at their house and some time in Southampton too, just a little wander around West Quay and IKEA - of course. We drove back to Doncaster laden with books of mine and gifts for Alfie and when we arrived home I tidied it all away into new homes.

Tonight Will is out at a school reunion so it's just me and Alfie, we've had a little fun and he's had some milk and is now out for the count - until he gets hungry again of course!

Before Alfie arrived I always felt that I had failed. Yes I had a wonderful man to fall in love with, but also I had scars, crap A-Levels and no degree. I felt jealous of all my friends still living the student life, gaining qualifications and life experience and basically doing everything that my illness made me give up.

But now, now I have Alfie I feel like I have a purpose. Before I lived for William but now I live for Alfie too, and through the love that the three of us share I have started to live for myself. I buy myself (too many) new clothes, I had my hair styled and I'm making the effort to start - and stick to - a new diet.

What I think I'm trying to say is that you don't always have to get it right first time. I will always have scars, and probably always take medication - but I won't always live in the past. There is such a thing as a second chance, and if you realise it in time then you can make it work - no matter what's happened before.

Well, my 'little' boy is 12lb12oz at 8 weeks old. In fact he's 8 weeks old today and doing fabulously.

Tomorrow we are taking a little journey down South to see my grandparents, and to show off the little man. It'll be our first trip away as a family so we are excited! We've bought sandwich-making ingredients and lots of bottles are ready to be sterilised. It turns out that babies need a lot of things!

Hope you're all well.

Hello everyone

My little boy is 7 weeks old today and I'm sorry to say that rather than spending the day celebrating we took delivery of a new couch and went on a mission to IKEA. We needed some drawers for the bedroom and also picked up some shelves and little bits and bobs. Bargain of the day was 36 scented tealights for 50p, courtesy of the 'Bargain Corner'.

Each day I wake up and I am happy. I know that no matter how stressed I may get when he cries, or how many times he pees on my trousers I still have a perfect little boy to love and to care for. I love him with all my heart and could never have imagined this level of love without him. AND as an added bonus I have a bigger boy whom I also love with all my heart - sometimes I even get to care for him too!

A few days ago I drove myself to the doctors for the very first time. I have never driven our new car on my own and I felt so good about it that as soon as I got home, I went out again to pick up my prescription! The best part of it all was that William said he was proud of me. I'm still buzzing from that.

Today baby and I went into town on our own as William went out to play paintball with some friends for the day. We caught the bus and had a good look around, baby was as good as gold and again I felt like my confidence is getting better and better. I was worried that I couldn't cope on my own but now I know I can it really makes me feel stronger.

Finally my life seems to have a point. I not only have a loving fiance whom I will love forever and a day, but a beautiful baby boy who is mine to treasure and love.

My beautiful little man is perfect. And all I want is for him to be happy and safe.

In light of this I pledge to always take my medication... no matter what the voices say.

I pledge to talk to William when I am down and struggling.

I pledge to believe and trust William over the voices.

Here's to life as a mummy!

New Beginnings

On Wednesday 22nd December 2010 at 7:11am I gave birth to a little boy by emergency caesarean section.

That's right... I'm a mummy!

Our beautiful little boy is doing well, we've been home since Christmas Eve and we're enjoying everyday with our perfect son.

I still can't believe that I had a hand in making such a gorgeous little man.

Oh I don't know what's happening. We may move back, we may not. Still hoping that we will, still hoping that I'll get accepted to the nursing degree in February.

As for right now, well everything is going okay. Looking forward to my 21st next month, to a possible holiday in the sun. I just had pancakes cooked for me by the one I love... what could be better?

I think what I am trying to say is that there are uncertainties, there always will be, but it doesn't mean we can't enjoy that funny old thing called life.

It looks like we may be moving back to Guernsey. I'm still not sure how I feel about this, really... I love Guernsey. It's my home and it's where I can be with the sea and the sun and my friends. But last time we were there it was the place where things went wrong, in fact things always go wrong there. My family and our financial situation made it impossible and very nearly made me lose my mind. Last time we were there I attempted suicide, albeit a little halfheartedly, and I'm scared. More than anything I'm scared that these things will happen again... I'm scared of going back to the place in my head that I got to last time.

This time round money wouldn't be a problem, so that's one less thing to worry about - but my family are still there, and they still don't want me there - much less Will.

I want to go back, I really do... I just can't if it means going through all the heartache again too.

So things have been pretty quiet around here. I haven't really been up to much exciting... just frantically searching for a job... babysitting Grace... tidying the house up again and again!

I am enjoying living here in Doncaster, but Will is not. I recently learnt that he hates living here, which is upsetting because I feel like it's my fault. If he weren't with me then he could go back to Guernsey whenever he wanted. It's something that I feel scared will drive a wedge between us.

Yesterday was my long-awaited appointment with the local psychiatrist, Dr A. Unsurprisingly he didn't have any of my previous notes so knew nothing about me or my history, so the whole appointment was basically about me telling him my life story... everything. He didn't seem very attentive to me and some things I didn't want to tell him because he was so unapproachable - plus he had a medical student in there with us but didn't even ask if that was alright with me, so I felt very uncomfortable.

The long and the short of it was that after hearing everything I had to tell him, he told me that I didn't need to spend any more time in the company of psychiatrists. He told me that as my medication was working pretty well that all I needed to do was keep getting my prescriptions from the GP. If I need to then I can call on the CMHT, but I don't need to set up regular appointments with them.

So there you have it... I am officially a self-maintaining bipolar girl. It's all down to me now.

This might take a while to make sense, but bear with me and I'm sure it'll all become clear in the end.

The other day on a form with my name on, in an office someplace... somebody wrote that bipolar is not a condition requiring mental health treatment.

So I was wondering... what do you think? Do you think that some mental illnesses - bipolar included - really require such constant monitoring? Really need the help of a mental health team? Or do you think that we should leave such things to run their course? Should I down all of those meds everyday, or should I fight it out?

Perhaps a controversial subject, a strange question... but one that's on my mind.

Miss Me?

I've been offline since we moved into the new house but today BT came along and saved us.

Yesterday we bought a new bed - I'm so excited!

I haven't really got a lot to say, I just really want to keep this blog going - help me?

xxx

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone. I feel the need to thank all of you who helped me through 2009, let's hope that this year I manage a little more on my own!

William and I went out last night but I was totally gone by about 11pm so we headed back for a snuggle up and some footage of the celebrations in London. It was a lovely way to see in the New Year.

Today we went to the in-laws for dinner and all watched Rain Man, as we relaxed it started to snow again. Perfect white Christmas and now a snowy New Year!

My 'resolutions' are to stop biting my nails (again), and to give up self harm once and for all. (My last 'time' was the 27th December 2009, and I'm vowing that to be the end of it)

Thanks all

With the help of Will's mum we now have a fully painted kitchen, and a decorated living room. We have a gorgeous tree all covered in lights and baubles.

People have really rallied round so that we have all our kitchen appliances, a couch and a TV plus lots of other bits. I'm touched and want to say a big thank you to everyone who's helped us.

On Monday we will do our Christmas shopping and then I'll really feel festive.

Merry Christmas everyone, thank you all for supporting me this year.

We moved in today.

Not entirely moved in, mainly we just cleaned. But still - we have a house!!

WELL it didn't go entirely to plan. We were let down by our prospective landlord just hours before we were due to move in. However, we then went on to call another place and, one way or another, we ended up seeing another house today. It was lovely, and in a much nicer area... so we decided to take it.

We move in tomorrow!

x

I'm in a major stress. Basically, our future rests on tomorrow. If we get a certain amount of money tomorrow then we can move into our new home on the 10th. If we don't get this money, then we don't move. Do you see what might cause me to stress? Will says it'll all be okay though so am trying to focus on this and not on the stress. Trying to steer my mind away from razors and into houses, my lovely mother-in-law to be bought us a pan set and a knife set today for our new kitchen. So keep your fingers crossed that all goes well tomorrow!

Happy 23rd Birthday to my beautiful boy. xxx

Police

I have a paranoia. It doesn't matter how many drugs I take or psychiatrists I see... I'm still paranoid. My big fear? Police. I am terrified of Police. In fact, even PCSO's and those people who wander around cities looking for people to help. Anyone wearing one of those reflective jackets sets my mind into panic. I don't know why I'm afraid. Of course we've had our run-ins with them and I've been in the company of an Officer on more than one occasion... but just now? I don't think I've committed any crimes... there's no reason why the Police might be looking for me. It doesn't stop me panicking though, everytime I see one.

It's exhausting you know. Every siren I hear could be coming for me. Every dipped hat could mean that I'm about to be arrested, or sectioned. I don't know which I'm more afraid of... prison or a mental institution. Is it even that that I'm afraid of? Or is it the Police themselves? I'm not really sure... it could be both. All I know is that I'm tired of being scared, of feeling my heart race each time I go out. I'm starting to get paranoid of being paranoid.

Another thing on my mind is self harm. On the 10th December it'll be 6 years since I started engaging in that little past time, or should I say indulging. That's what it feels like just now, an indulgence that I'm not allowed. Something that you love, but could do you harm. Like chocolate. Wilkinson Sword is my Cadbury...

The Christmas trees went up in our house today, and are being decorated as I speak. Or type, rather. The roast is in the oven and I'm feeling pretty festive.

I've not had much to write of late, so apologies for that. Perhaps that's been because I've been quite content. Yes we are sharing a house with 4 other people, and yes money is tight... but in myself that hasn't seemed to matter. I have a lovely new GP who has put through a referral to the local CMHT for me, and has put my prescriptions on repeat... good huh?

In previous years Christmas for me has been a time of depression and excessive self harming... in fact I started self harming 6 years ago next week. But this year I'm hoping to stay on track and surround myself with family and happiness.

Watch this space...

Tonsillitis

I have tonsillitis. Well, luckily it's on its way out now but the past few days have been more than a little uncomfortable.

Do you ever worry that you've lost the knack? I mean, I have less and less readers nowadays and less and less to say.

Do you think it's time to throw in the towel?