Saturday, December 05, 2009


I have a paranoia. It doesn't matter how many drugs I take or psychiatrists I see... I'm still paranoid. My big fear? Police. I am terrified of Police. In fact, even PCSO's and those people who wander around cities looking for people to help. Anyone wearing one of those reflective jackets sets my mind into panic. I don't know why I'm afraid. Of course we've had our run-ins with them and I've been in the company of an Officer on more than one occasion... but just now? I don't think I've committed any crimes... there's no reason why the Police might be looking for me. It doesn't stop me panicking though, everytime I see one.

It's exhausting you know. Every siren I hear could be coming for me. Every dipped hat could mean that I'm about to be arrested, or sectioned. I don't know which I'm more afraid of... prison or a mental institution. Is it even that that I'm afraid of? Or is it the Police themselves? I'm not really sure... it could be both. All I know is that I'm tired of being scared, of feeling my heart race each time I go out. I'm starting to get paranoid of being paranoid.

Another thing on my mind is self harm. On the 10th December it'll be 6 years since I started engaging in that little past time, or should I say indulging. That's what it feels like just now, an indulgence that I'm not allowed. Something that you love, but could do you harm. Like chocolate. Wilkinson Sword is my Cadbury...


Jess said...

Nothing constructive to offer other than a hug.

Mine was six years ago in May, I can't remember the date off the top of my head but I still have the diary I kept at the time somewhere - found it over the summer and read it back. It's strange how little my feelings have changed, especially at the moment.

Go for the actual chocolate instead. It's December... excessive chocolate is allowed ;)


Nikita said...

Thanks for the hug love.

Trying to stick to the chocolate!


MsPsycho said...

Have you ever considered going on a ride-along with one of the officers? It might help you with some of the thoughts about them being out to get you.

I have the same problem, and I still haven't been able to force myself to do the ride-along, so instead when I see them at the local gas station, or some other place around town, I will force myself to go in the store and purchase something. The first few times I did this I felt ill afterwards, but after a while it began to get easier being somewhat close to them. After doing this for several years, I've finally been able to say something to them, even if it is only a few words. It has helped a lot with my thoughts about them wanting to constantly hurt me.

After all these years I still cut when I'm stressed, but I'm slowing learning there are other things to do besides cutting that will give me relief. It's not the same relief, but at least it doesn't leave another scar.

Hope you have a great day!

Nikita said...

Hi MsPsycho... I haven't thought of that actually. I'm not even sure you can do that here in the UK. I've been to the local station to ask if I'm wanted for anything and they said no, but that did little to alleviate my feelings of paranoia.

As for the cutting, that's something I think will always be a solution for me. No matter how many alternatives I come up with, cutting still pops into my head far too often. But, like you, I am trying to stick to non scar causing activities! My favourites are colouring and wordsearches. x