Have you ever attempted to write an autobiography? I have, I was 15 years old and it was my GCSE English Language teacher who convinced us all to give it a try. I personally found it ridiculous... how could I summarise 15 years, at the age of 15? Who was going to read these supposed masterpieces?
But, of course, I wrote it all anyway... 12 A4 lined pages, front and back. It received a good review from my teacher so I put it in my coursework folder, lost the coursework folder.. and never thought anymore about it.
I suppose that these blogs that we keep are rather like an ongoing autobiographical piece... we share the goings on of our lives, the poems that we write and the songs that we sing to. If I were to print out every single page of my blog it would make a far better read than that Year 10 assignment could ever have hoped to.
For one reason or another I decided to write this post today, exposing a few things that I like to say about myself... and how truthful they actually are. So here goes.
I reached about Grade 5 in clarinet and keyboard... but faced with either of those instruments I don't honestly believe I'd know which finger to put where.
I can happily jabber away to myself in French and Spanish - and read novels in said languages, and sometimes I can understand a German person - but if you plonked me in front of one of said language speakers... my mouth would dry and my brain would forget every verb I ever learnt.
I referred to myself as bipolar long before I ever got a definitive diagnosis. I was fed up of Doctors telling me it 'might' be bipolar or that bipolar 'could develop' that I just started to research it myself.
However, when I got my diagnosis and had it confirmed... it was one of the scariest days of my life.
When I go to mental health units I always secretly think I'm better than the other patients... more educated... more domesticated... cleaner. Even though I've been known to avoid a bath for over a week when I'm in a bad way.
When I saw the 'Friends' episode where Monica gets out her Wedding Book - full of plans for her future wedding - I got inspired. I made a book full of ideas and details surrounding my plans for suicide.
I still don't understand why I came to harm myself, and I don't think I ever will.
That's about all I can think of for now, thanks for letting me get those off my chest.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Crazy One
On a blogging roll at the moment, don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one. Sometimes I just can't speculate, but sometimes I know that something bad is going to happen.
This morning (01:23am) to be precise, I am in a bit of a torment.
I don't know how to write it down, that's frustrating because I can't get out what I want to.
I didn't take my meds yesterday. That's why I'm awake. If I'd taken them I'd be passed out in bed until mid morning, no doubt.
This is one of my points, those ones I'm trying to make. Badly. The meds keep me level. They keep me what could be called 'sane'.
But they keep me down. They make it hard to talk, hard to see, hard to move... hard to be. I suppose it's really being level, but to a person with bipolar being level is difficult.
Without the meds I have plans... I want to tidy. I want to write love notes to William. I want to stand on the balcony and listen to the waves. I've been awake only 14 hours... that's double what I'd normally manage.
And babies. This medicine could affect a baby developing. But I really want babies.
You're going to read this and think it's a bit eratic. If you've read up, you'll warn me that I'm becoming manic.
I'm not. I'm just the crazy one.
This morning (01:23am) to be precise, I am in a bit of a torment.
I don't know how to write it down, that's frustrating because I can't get out what I want to.
I didn't take my meds yesterday. That's why I'm awake. If I'd taken them I'd be passed out in bed until mid morning, no doubt.
This is one of my points, those ones I'm trying to make. Badly. The meds keep me level. They keep me what could be called 'sane'.
But they keep me down. They make it hard to talk, hard to see, hard to move... hard to be. I suppose it's really being level, but to a person with bipolar being level is difficult.
Without the meds I have plans... I want to tidy. I want to write love notes to William. I want to stand on the balcony and listen to the waves. I've been awake only 14 hours... that's double what I'd normally manage.
And babies. This medicine could affect a baby developing. But I really want babies.
You're going to read this and think it's a bit eratic. If you've read up, you'll warn me that I'm becoming manic.
I'm not. I'm just the crazy one.
Monday, May 25, 2009
I feel like crap
Not entirely sure why.
Could be because of intense sunburn.
Could be lack of nourishment at this late hour.
Could be both.
Time was I'd be thrilled to only have those two things bothering me, but now I'm wondering... how am I? Really?
I sleep in until 11. I don't want to, but I just can't get up before then unless I don't take my meds... does that mean I should sacrifice my meds? Well no - because then sleeping in is the least of my problems! If I stop meds then who knows what'll happen... mania, sleeplessness, depression.
I still cry when people are nasty. When people call me ugly, or a freak. Yes I know they were just teenagers and I know they don't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. But the point is... I'm still vulnerable.
Quetiapine fumarate does not place you in a big fluffy bubble. It dulls things but it doesn't make them go away - show me a pill that does that and I'll show you the end of humanity.
My point? I don't entirely have one, to be honest. It's not all bad. Gorgeous place to live, gorgeous partner, gorgeous biscuits I'm about to eat.
And this pain from sunburn? I do not like pain, unless I did it myself. It feels so very wrong after years of me maintaining that 'I hurt myself, so no-one else can'
I'll get over it.
x
Could be because of intense sunburn.
Could be lack of nourishment at this late hour.
Could be both.
Time was I'd be thrilled to only have those two things bothering me, but now I'm wondering... how am I? Really?
I sleep in until 11. I don't want to, but I just can't get up before then unless I don't take my meds... does that mean I should sacrifice my meds? Well no - because then sleeping in is the least of my problems! If I stop meds then who knows what'll happen... mania, sleeplessness, depression.
I still cry when people are nasty. When people call me ugly, or a freak. Yes I know they were just teenagers and I know they don't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. But the point is... I'm still vulnerable.
Quetiapine fumarate does not place you in a big fluffy bubble. It dulls things but it doesn't make them go away - show me a pill that does that and I'll show you the end of humanity.
My point? I don't entirely have one, to be honest. It's not all bad. Gorgeous place to live, gorgeous partner, gorgeous biscuits I'm about to eat.
And this pain from sunburn? I do not like pain, unless I did it myself. It feels so very wrong after years of me maintaining that 'I hurt myself, so no-one else can'
I'll get over it.
x
Friday, May 22, 2009
Myself
So here's the thing.
Even though I'd not call myself a 'recovered' self-harmer it has certainly been a month or two since I last partook in such an activity. For little over a year now I have been baring my arms whenever I felt warm enough, except in times of acute distress or in the prescence of yet another new wound.
In the UK I feel fine doing this, I wander around absently not really noticing myself. But every now and then I will get a comment. Perhaps from the well-to-do businessman who sees me as an inconvenience, perhaps from a deeply principled mother who sees me as a warning to her children, perhaps even from an elderly couple... who think it's just a sign of the times.
For the most part I deflect back at them... tell them that I had an accident, or got my arms stuck in a shredder - yes really, people buy that. But normally I just tell them that I went through a 'rough patch' - I neglect to mention the length of said patch.
In Guernsey I will happily wander around the beaches and cliff paths in a similar manner to my one in the UK... and people do not often ask questions. If I'm unlucky then I'll bump into an old teacher or friend of the family, who are duly horrified.
When I am with my mother or sisters - or any member of family - my arms are under wraps. I wear long sleeves morning, noon and night. I dress in the locked bathroom, I do not comment when others are hot and remove their outer clothes. I keep that part of me, secret.
They've seen them of course, on trips to visit me in a hospital or psych office. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let that happen ever again.
But here, in Alderney... I know no-one. The sea and the sand and the sun have no harsh words for me, no backwards glances. The people here are relaxed, and the holidaymakers too enthralled by the island to notice me. The rest of the people are sailors... and as a sailor myself I know that it's perfectly normal to be covered in bumps and bruises and war wounds - my legs are testimony to many a hostile overtaking at Cowes Week.
My point is, I feel free. I feel I can be myself. I always wear a bracelet on my left wrist - because that scar is too obvious an indicator of my intentions one night. Here though, I consider taking it off.
I don't want a big tan line, after all.
Even though I'd not call myself a 'recovered' self-harmer it has certainly been a month or two since I last partook in such an activity. For little over a year now I have been baring my arms whenever I felt warm enough, except in times of acute distress or in the prescence of yet another new wound.
In the UK I feel fine doing this, I wander around absently not really noticing myself. But every now and then I will get a comment. Perhaps from the well-to-do businessman who sees me as an inconvenience, perhaps from a deeply principled mother who sees me as a warning to her children, perhaps even from an elderly couple... who think it's just a sign of the times.
For the most part I deflect back at them... tell them that I had an accident, or got my arms stuck in a shredder - yes really, people buy that. But normally I just tell them that I went through a 'rough patch' - I neglect to mention the length of said patch.
In Guernsey I will happily wander around the beaches and cliff paths in a similar manner to my one in the UK... and people do not often ask questions. If I'm unlucky then I'll bump into an old teacher or friend of the family, who are duly horrified.
When I am with my mother or sisters - or any member of family - my arms are under wraps. I wear long sleeves morning, noon and night. I dress in the locked bathroom, I do not comment when others are hot and remove their outer clothes. I keep that part of me, secret.
They've seen them of course, on trips to visit me in a hospital or psych office. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let that happen ever again.
But here, in Alderney... I know no-one. The sea and the sand and the sun have no harsh words for me, no backwards glances. The people here are relaxed, and the holidaymakers too enthralled by the island to notice me. The rest of the people are sailors... and as a sailor myself I know that it's perfectly normal to be covered in bumps and bruises and war wounds - my legs are testimony to many a hostile overtaking at Cowes Week.
My point is, I feel free. I feel I can be myself. I always wear a bracelet on my left wrist - because that scar is too obvious an indicator of my intentions one night. Here though, I consider taking it off.
I don't want a big tan line, after all.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Beauty
Will is the only manager on shift for a little while so we are still staying in the hotel... today he woke me up to move to a new room. Wow. Room 28 is spectacular.
As I type I am sitting with a drink and a laptop, on a balcony over looking a white-sand beach and an azul sea, under a bronzing sun.
I can hear the waves... sometimes powerful and sometimes lapping. I can hear visitors eating in the restaurant below and tiny little Daihatsu vans driving around - I'm sure they're the national car of Alderney or something.
Later we will go to The Divers for a drink and then make the long*ish* walk up into town. We'll eat at Nellie Gray's and spend the evening learning more about each other. When we finish we'll walk back in the dark and clamber into a huge white bed.
Alderney is medicine for my soul, and for bipolar. Here I take my tablets in an instant and spend my time thinking about the beauty that I can see. Not the pain.
A week ago? This Nikita would've made me vomit, or very sad... today I don't care.
As I type I am sitting with a drink and a laptop, on a balcony over looking a white-sand beach and an azul sea, under a bronzing sun.
I can hear the waves... sometimes powerful and sometimes lapping. I can hear visitors eating in the restaurant below and tiny little Daihatsu vans driving around - I'm sure they're the national car of Alderney or something.
Later we will go to The Divers for a drink and then make the long*ish* walk up into town. We'll eat at Nellie Gray's and spend the evening learning more about each other. When we finish we'll walk back in the dark and clamber into a huge white bed.
Alderney is medicine for my soul, and for bipolar. Here I take my tablets in an instant and spend my time thinking about the beauty that I can see. Not the pain.
A week ago? This Nikita would've made me vomit, or very sad... today I don't care.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Half Way There
Hey folks
It's been a bloody long day... got the flat all secured and left little notes everywhere for aunt-in-law when she comes for the animals. Hope she didn't leave it too long as Mittens was making murderous glances at Stan when I left.
Got a lift to Liverpool John Lennon from Will's nan and passed pretty quickly through there... save for a little fainting episode, but we won't go into that.
Got to Jersey on time and proceeded to spend 5 hours in Starbucks reading and subsequently listening to MP3... someone told me they didn't have Wi-Fi and I nearly imploded right there and then.
Now I'm airside and - whadda you know - on the Internet. Lying bastards, the lot of them. Have about an hour wait before I get tentatively onto a tiny yellow pencil plane to Guernsey. Can proceed right through security there and into the lounge to wait for another fated yellow pencil flight to Alderney.
Long way to get 500 or so miles innit?
x
It's been a bloody long day... got the flat all secured and left little notes everywhere for aunt-in-law when she comes for the animals. Hope she didn't leave it too long as Mittens was making murderous glances at Stan when I left.
Got a lift to Liverpool John Lennon from Will's nan and passed pretty quickly through there... save for a little fainting episode, but we won't go into that.
Got to Jersey on time and proceeded to spend 5 hours in Starbucks reading and subsequently listening to MP3... someone told me they didn't have Wi-Fi and I nearly imploded right there and then.
Now I'm airside and - whadda you know - on the Internet. Lying bastards, the lot of them. Have about an hour wait before I get tentatively onto a tiny yellow pencil plane to Guernsey. Can proceed right through security there and into the lounge to wait for another fated yellow pencil flight to Alderney.
Long way to get 500 or so miles innit?
x
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Alderney/Aurigny/Auregnais/Aoeur'gny
First thing Monday morning I set off on my summer of working on another little Channel Island... an island with an area of 3sq miles and 2400 people. Well. 2402 with Will and I, anyway.
I'm excited, been hearing of great weather and beautiful views - I think it'll be the perfect preparation for September, a relaxed way of life and *fingers crossed* a relaxed job... making some much needed money for our Guernsey flat fund. It'll be a lot easier being that much closer to Guernsey - in terms of property hunting and stuff.
Animals are going to have to go to my aunt-in-law. We have not got on with her for some time but she will look after them all and I am *sure* that we can put our differences aside... for the sake of Baby, Mittens and Stan.
Much love. *bisous*
I'm excited, been hearing of great weather and beautiful views - I think it'll be the perfect preparation for September, a relaxed way of life and *fingers crossed* a relaxed job... making some much needed money for our Guernsey flat fund. It'll be a lot easier being that much closer to Guernsey - in terms of property hunting and stuff.
Animals are going to have to go to my aunt-in-law. We have not got on with her for some time but she will look after them all and I am *sure* that we can put our differences aside... for the sake of Baby, Mittens and Stan.
Much love. *bisous*
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A little rant
Just surfing Facebook, and feeling rather resentful.
All of these girls with their parent-approved boyfriends, with their perfect academic records, with their fun University experiences.
Why couldn't I be one of them? How do I compete with that?
All of these girls with their parent-approved boyfriends, with their perfect academic records, with their fun University experiences.
Why couldn't I be one of them? How do I compete with that?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I'm going where?
I'm not sure what I'm doing... moving back to the one place I swore I'd never venture again?
Sure, I thought it was beautiful and the course is perfect and it's all going to be lovely... but how did it happen? What happened in my head to make me turn on my heel and head straight back to the place which nearly suffocated me to death?
I'm a bit upset at the moment as Will has moved to Alderney so I'm all alone... we fear that the RSPCA may have to have the animals as I can't take them with me and can't leave them here. I am awaiting an answer as to whether they can help. I feel mega guilty though.
Also upsetting at the moment are the nasty messages my sisters friends have been sending to us. She has decided that I abandoned everyone two years ago... even though for up to a year after I left she maintained that all was fine and we saw each other etc etc. It bothers me that she wants to be taken seriously/seen as mature... and then pulls a stunt like this.
I can't contact her as her e-mail has changed, she won't talk on the phone and has blocked me from Facebook. My letters go unanswered. I'm not going to 'tell' Mum but I'm not going to stand for this either.
This post is personal so I'd appreciate a lull in the nasty comments I've been getting. Not from any of the friends I have out there... just a few anonymous individuals. This blog is not shutting down, I'm not leaving... so I suggest you do instead.
Sure, I thought it was beautiful and the course is perfect and it's all going to be lovely... but how did it happen? What happened in my head to make me turn on my heel and head straight back to the place which nearly suffocated me to death?
I'm a bit upset at the moment as Will has moved to Alderney so I'm all alone... we fear that the RSPCA may have to have the animals as I can't take them with me and can't leave them here. I am awaiting an answer as to whether they can help. I feel mega guilty though.
Also upsetting at the moment are the nasty messages my sisters friends have been sending to us. She has decided that I abandoned everyone two years ago... even though for up to a year after I left she maintained that all was fine and we saw each other etc etc. It bothers me that she wants to be taken seriously/seen as mature... and then pulls a stunt like this.
I can't contact her as her e-mail has changed, she won't talk on the phone and has blocked me from Facebook. My letters go unanswered. I'm not going to 'tell' Mum but I'm not going to stand for this either.
This post is personal so I'd appreciate a lull in the nasty comments I've been getting. Not from any of the friends I have out there... just a few anonymous individuals. This blog is not shutting down, I'm not leaving... so I suggest you do instead.
Monday, May 11, 2009
It wouldn't be life without hurdles...
The plan is still on - but problems with ID and fully booked connecting flights mean it hasn't been easy... perhaps it won't even come to fruition, but we're still trying.
Well William is trying anyway - I am trying to be supportive, but obviously failing. I retreat into my world of stress-busters and self-deprecating humour, hoping that if I hold tight it will all be sorted without me. Who knows what I'll be like on my own for a few weeks... I plan to find somewhere to volunteer, to pass the time - and plan to go for a walk with Baby everyday, just to get out of the house. This will be a bonus for the diet... which as of yesterday was ruined by Mr Ben and Mr Jerry - those guys seriously owe me.
I'm sort of looking forward to packing all our things up - the unpacking I won't comment on though... also my plan is to get the train from Wigan-Poole and then the ferry from Poole-Guernsey. A journey which will not only cost under 50 pounds (we reset the computer and the pound sterling sign has vanished!)... but will also be brilliant! I much prefer savouring the journey so a Virgin train, a brief spell in London and a Condor ferry beats a short, stuffy Aurigny flight anyday. Plenty of time to... take my time!
Gorgeous day today, time to enjoy it.
PS... my stress busters?
1. Count your breaths... breathe slowly and count them to ten or something. Block out all other sounds!
2. Wordsearches... my book of 500 wordsearches has got me out of many a meltdown so far!
3. Read... ignore everything and get stuck in. But not to 'The Principessa' - Christine Dickason... that one is killing me.
4. Make tea... a gorgeous cup of tea, however you like it is definitely the way to go.
5. Do something! Wash up, sweep, do the laundry... anything to escape your current predicament.
6. Go for a walk/ play with the dog - or cat. But don't try to walk the cat. They do not like that.
7. Ice Cream.
xxx
Well William is trying anyway - I am trying to be supportive, but obviously failing. I retreat into my world of stress-busters and self-deprecating humour, hoping that if I hold tight it will all be sorted without me. Who knows what I'll be like on my own for a few weeks... I plan to find somewhere to volunteer, to pass the time - and plan to go for a walk with Baby everyday, just to get out of the house. This will be a bonus for the diet... which as of yesterday was ruined by Mr Ben and Mr Jerry - those guys seriously owe me.
I'm sort of looking forward to packing all our things up - the unpacking I won't comment on though... also my plan is to get the train from Wigan-Poole and then the ferry from Poole-Guernsey. A journey which will not only cost under 50 pounds (we reset the computer and the pound sterling sign has vanished!)... but will also be brilliant! I much prefer savouring the journey so a Virgin train, a brief spell in London and a Condor ferry beats a short, stuffy Aurigny flight anyday. Plenty of time to... take my time!
Gorgeous day today, time to enjoy it.
PS... my stress busters?
1. Count your breaths... breathe slowly and count them to ten or something. Block out all other sounds!
2. Wordsearches... my book of 500 wordsearches has got me out of many a meltdown so far!
3. Read... ignore everything and get stuck in. But not to 'The Principessa' - Christine Dickason... that one is killing me.
4. Make tea... a gorgeous cup of tea, however you like it is definitely the way to go.
5. Do something! Wash up, sweep, do the laundry... anything to escape your current predicament.
6. Go for a walk/ play with the dog - or cat. But don't try to walk the cat. They do not like that.
7. Ice Cream.
xxx
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Selfish!
Big congratulations to my William... he has been offered a job in Alderney. It's our first step on the long journey back to Guernsey! I have sent a CV to every recruitment place out there... now it's my time for a new job!
We're still not sure what we're going to do. Ideally he'd move to Alderney and me to my Mum's in Guernsey - then we work like mad for a few months, scrape together rent and deposit and re-convene in Guernsey at the end of August. However, we have a cat and dog in tow... perhaps we can find temporary homes for them? It's our biggest dilemma at the moment.
The title of this post... is really an apology. I waffle on about everything to do with me and don't do much commenting on your fine blogs - I'm sorry! As ever I promise I'm out there and reading, and sending all my love to you.
x
We're still not sure what we're going to do. Ideally he'd move to Alderney and me to my Mum's in Guernsey - then we work like mad for a few months, scrape together rent and deposit and re-convene in Guernsey at the end of August. However, we have a cat and dog in tow... perhaps we can find temporary homes for them? It's our biggest dilemma at the moment.
The title of this post... is really an apology. I waffle on about everything to do with me and don't do much commenting on your fine blogs - I'm sorry! As ever I promise I'm out there and reading, and sending all my love to you.
x
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Conflicting
I'm not sure exactly how my current mood is conflicting, it just felt like the right word to put there.
Currently am waiting with baited breath on the lady from nurses accomodation... really we need her to agree to help. Will rang her and laid it on thick... lack of nurses, local girl coming home etc etc. She told me to e-mail her by Friday - before she went away, which I did. She hasn't replied though and have a horrible feeling she just said that to be rid of us. Hope I'm wrong, perhaps she's just busy.
I know what we have to do otherwise, one of us will need to move over and work/search for a place to live. If only it were simple.
Think the confliction comes from the fact that I know how I'd normally be reacting to all this.
But then normal's all a bunch of shit, to this 'bipolar student mental health nurse sailor'... anyway.
Currently am waiting with baited breath on the lady from nurses accomodation... really we need her to agree to help. Will rang her and laid it on thick... lack of nurses, local girl coming home etc etc. She told me to e-mail her by Friday - before she went away, which I did. She hasn't replied though and have a horrible feeling she just said that to be rid of us. Hope I'm wrong, perhaps she's just busy.
I know what we have to do otherwise, one of us will need to move over and work/search for a place to live. If only it were simple.
Think the confliction comes from the fact that I know how I'd normally be reacting to all this.
But then normal's all a bunch of shit, to this 'bipolar student mental health nurse sailor'... anyway.
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