Thursday, May 28, 2009

So you think you know me?

Have you ever attempted to write an autobiography? I have, I was 15 years old and it was my GCSE English Language teacher who convinced us all to give it a try. I personally found it ridiculous... how could I summarise 15 years, at the age of 15? Who was going to read these supposed masterpieces?
But, of course, I wrote it all anyway... 12 A4 lined pages, front and back. It received a good review from my teacher so I put it in my coursework folder, lost the coursework folder.. and never thought anymore about it.

I suppose that these blogs that we keep are rather like an ongoing autobiographical piece... we share the goings on of our lives, the poems that we write and the songs that we sing to. If I were to print out every single page of my blog it would make a far better read than that Year 10 assignment could ever have hoped to.

For one reason or another I decided to write this post today, exposing a few things that I like to say about myself... and how truthful they actually are. So here goes.

I reached about Grade 5 in clarinet and keyboard... but faced with either of those instruments I don't honestly believe I'd know which finger to put where.

I can happily jabber away to myself in French and Spanish - and read novels in said languages, and sometimes I can understand a German person - but if you plonked me in front of one of said language speakers... my mouth would dry and my brain would forget every verb I ever learnt.

I referred to myself as bipolar long before I ever got a definitive diagnosis. I was fed up of Doctors telling me it 'might' be bipolar or that bipolar 'could develop' that I just started to research it myself.

However, when I got my diagnosis and had it confirmed... it was one of the scariest days of my life.

When I go to mental health units I always secretly think I'm better than the other patients... more educated... more domesticated... cleaner. Even though I've been known to avoid a bath for over a week when I'm in a bad way.

When I saw the 'Friends' episode where Monica gets out her Wedding Book - full of plans for her future wedding - I got inspired. I made a book full of ideas and details surrounding my plans for suicide.

I still don't understand why I came to harm myself, and I don't think I ever will.

That's about all I can think of for now, thanks for letting me get those off my chest.


Thomas said...

This is one of your best posts yet! I tried writing an autobiography once, but gave up because I felt like I hadn't had an interesting enough life for anyone to read it. Not sure if I'll ever write about my life ever again, either.

Nikita said...

Thanks Thomas! I was hoping it would go down alright, even though I've been telling these little fibs!

I'd love to read about your life, if you ever feel ready to write about it.

much2ponder said...

I like how you simply "write" it is as though the thoughts come to your fingertips as you go along.

I wrote what I call my story. It's about 90 typed pages. Thought it would be important for my children to understand me one day in my passing. Kind of morbid I know, but after losing my mom when I was only 12, I felt the need to leave something behind so they would maybe know me a bit better.

Truth is, writing that story has helped to heal my heart as I relived and dealt with some pretty traumatic stuff, but the best about it was realizing it was not over yet...still writing and still healing, such seems to be the story of my life:)

Never stop finding ways to express the true you. You are priceless!

Nikita said...

Thank you Patricia, you're pretty much right. I get a little idea but after that it is just one word after another spilling out of my mind and through my fingers.

I like the idea of your story. It set me thinking as to what my Mum's story might entail if she were ever to write one. Interesting.


Kat Skratch said...


Yeah, I've tried to write down all the major things that have happened. I've had quite a story, but not nearly as interesting as Shane's...
I wonder how yours would go?
I also wonder how old you are?
Anyway, thanks for finding my blog and I'll return the favor. :)
TTYS! Stay sane!


Nikita said...

Hiya Kat
My story would turn a few heads I'm sure, but even in my own head I don't have it all together. If one day I figure it all out then maybe I'll venture further than blog and poem writing. Perhaps writing it all down would help me decifer it!
I'm 19 years old, 20 in a fortnight.

See you round x