Monday, May 25, 2009

I feel like crap

Not entirely sure why.

Could be because of intense sunburn.

Could be lack of nourishment at this late hour.

Could be both.

Time was I'd be thrilled to only have those two things bothering me, but now I'm wondering... how am I? Really?

I sleep in until 11. I don't want to, but I just can't get up before then unless I don't take my meds... does that mean I should sacrifice my meds? Well no - because then sleeping in is the least of my problems! If I stop meds then who knows what'll happen... mania, sleeplessness, depression.

I still cry when people are nasty. When people call me ugly, or a freak. Yes I know they were just teenagers and I know they don't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. But the point is... I'm still vulnerable.

Quetiapine fumarate does not place you in a big fluffy bubble. It dulls things but it doesn't make them go away - show me a pill that does that and I'll show you the end of humanity.

My point? I don't entirely have one, to be honest. It's not all bad. Gorgeous place to live, gorgeous partner, gorgeous biscuits I'm about to eat.

And this pain from sunburn? I do not like pain, unless I did it myself. It feels so very wrong after years of me maintaining that 'I hurt myself, so no-one else can'

I'll get over it.



Rainbow dreams said...

Hey there Niki...
my thoughts, firstly are that I am so pleased your meds and this place have put you in a far better place than you have been in for a long time... :)

and yet it is perfectly normal to question how you are.. and we all do that, question ourselves (well I think we do... I do anyhow!) when things are going right we wonder what can go wrong? and then the other things that niggle us become our problems...

we are human so we feel when people are nasty and we cry if people hurt us. Nothing can ever take away the past, the scars, but the bigger picture is a gorgeous painting with a few flaws that we only see if we are shown or look very closely - and that is true of us all... we are all vunerable...and yet beautiful...
we can all get hurt...however hard we try to protect ourselves, Katie,x

Nikita said...

Hey Katie, thanks for dropping by to see me.

I guess I just didn't want to admit that no matter what happens, we'll always get hurt. I can't stand that idea.

Sitting here crying my eyes out, perhaps I just need to take a step back. To look at that painting.


Rainbow dreams said...

Hey, a huge hug and love.
We only hurt cos we feel, but that opens us up to feel all the deep and beautiful feelings in life too, to live and appreciate living...we couldn't do that if we were numb...

and our hurts make us more able to reach out to others...and accept them for who they are...I for one am grateful for you doing just that, x
our humanity has to be one of the hardest things to cope with.

It is the most wonderful painting, believe me.. xx

Nikita said...

Thanks for the hug... sending one back.
I liked what you said about our hurts allowing us to reach out to others.. that makes a lot of sense to me. Even if our hurts aren't the same, they share a common feeling.

We're going out to a BBQ at The Moorings this evening - just along from The Divers? xxx

Rainbow dreams said...

Enjoy the BBQ :) I heard about the Moorings too, but ended up in the Divers...only had an hour or so to kill before my taxi to the airport!

and yes, although we may never know how someone feels we do know what certain feelings feel like and so we can empathise without having had to be in their position...