It looks like we may be moving back to Guernsey. I'm still not sure how I feel about this, really... I love Guernsey. It's my home and it's where I can be with the sea and the sun and my friends. But last time we were there it was the place where things went wrong, in fact things always go wrong there. My family and our financial situation made it impossible and very nearly made me lose my mind. Last time we were there I attempted suicide, albeit a little halfheartedly, and I'm scared. More than anything I'm scared that these things will happen again... I'm scared of going back to the place in my head that I got to last time.

This time round money wouldn't be a problem, so that's one less thing to worry about - but my family are still there, and they still don't want me there - much less Will.

I want to go back, I really do... I just can't if it means going through all the heartache again too.

So things have been pretty quiet around here. I haven't really been up to much exciting... just frantically searching for a job... babysitting Grace... tidying the house up again and again!

I am enjoying living here in Doncaster, but Will is not. I recently learnt that he hates living here, which is upsetting because I feel like it's my fault. If he weren't with me then he could go back to Guernsey whenever he wanted. It's something that I feel scared will drive a wedge between us.

Yesterday was my long-awaited appointment with the local psychiatrist, Dr A. Unsurprisingly he didn't have any of my previous notes so knew nothing about me or my history, so the whole appointment was basically about me telling him my life story... everything. He didn't seem very attentive to me and some things I didn't want to tell him because he was so unapproachable - plus he had a medical student in there with us but didn't even ask if that was alright with me, so I felt very uncomfortable.

The long and the short of it was that after hearing everything I had to tell him, he told me that I didn't need to spend any more time in the company of psychiatrists. He told me that as my medication was working pretty well that all I needed to do was keep getting my prescriptions from the GP. If I need to then I can call on the CMHT, but I don't need to set up regular appointments with them.

So there you have it... I am officially a self-maintaining bipolar girl. It's all down to me now.

This might take a while to make sense, but bear with me and I'm sure it'll all become clear in the end.

The other day on a form with my name on, in an office someplace... somebody wrote that bipolar is not a condition requiring mental health treatment.

So I was wondering... what do you think? Do you think that some mental illnesses - bipolar included - really require such constant monitoring? Really need the help of a mental health team? Or do you think that we should leave such things to run their course? Should I down all of those meds everyday, or should I fight it out?

Perhaps a controversial subject, a strange question... but one that's on my mind.

Miss Me?

I've been offline since we moved into the new house but today BT came along and saved us.

Yesterday we bought a new bed - I'm so excited!

I haven't really got a lot to say, I just really want to keep this blog going - help me?

xxx

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone. I feel the need to thank all of you who helped me through 2009, let's hope that this year I manage a little more on my own!

William and I went out last night but I was totally gone by about 11pm so we headed back for a snuggle up and some footage of the celebrations in London. It was a lovely way to see in the New Year.

Today we went to the in-laws for dinner and all watched Rain Man, as we relaxed it started to snow again. Perfect white Christmas and now a snowy New Year!

My 'resolutions' are to stop biting my nails (again), and to give up self harm once and for all. (My last 'time' was the 27th December 2009, and I'm vowing that to be the end of it)

Thanks all

With the help of Will's mum we now have a fully painted kitchen, and a decorated living room. We have a gorgeous tree all covered in lights and baubles.

People have really rallied round so that we have all our kitchen appliances, a couch and a TV plus lots of other bits. I'm touched and want to say a big thank you to everyone who's helped us.

On Monday we will do our Christmas shopping and then I'll really feel festive.

Merry Christmas everyone, thank you all for supporting me this year.

We moved in today.

Not entirely moved in, mainly we just cleaned. But still - we have a house!!

WELL it didn't go entirely to plan. We were let down by our prospective landlord just hours before we were due to move in. However, we then went on to call another place and, one way or another, we ended up seeing another house today. It was lovely, and in a much nicer area... so we decided to take it.

We move in tomorrow!

x

I'm in a major stress. Basically, our future rests on tomorrow. If we get a certain amount of money tomorrow then we can move into our new home on the 10th. If we don't get this money, then we don't move. Do you see what might cause me to stress? Will says it'll all be okay though so am trying to focus on this and not on the stress. Trying to steer my mind away from razors and into houses, my lovely mother-in-law to be bought us a pan set and a knife set today for our new kitchen. So keep your fingers crossed that all goes well tomorrow!

Happy 23rd Birthday to my beautiful boy. xxx

Police

I have a paranoia. It doesn't matter how many drugs I take or psychiatrists I see... I'm still paranoid. My big fear? Police. I am terrified of Police. In fact, even PCSO's and those people who wander around cities looking for people to help. Anyone wearing one of those reflective jackets sets my mind into panic. I don't know why I'm afraid. Of course we've had our run-ins with them and I've been in the company of an Officer on more than one occasion... but just now? I don't think I've committed any crimes... there's no reason why the Police might be looking for me. It doesn't stop me panicking though, everytime I see one.

It's exhausting you know. Every siren I hear could be coming for me. Every dipped hat could mean that I'm about to be arrested, or sectioned. I don't know which I'm more afraid of... prison or a mental institution. Is it even that that I'm afraid of? Or is it the Police themselves? I'm not really sure... it could be both. All I know is that I'm tired of being scared, of feeling my heart race each time I go out. I'm starting to get paranoid of being paranoid.

Another thing on my mind is self harm. On the 10th December it'll be 6 years since I started engaging in that little past time, or should I say indulging. That's what it feels like just now, an indulgence that I'm not allowed. Something that you love, but could do you harm. Like chocolate. Wilkinson Sword is my Cadbury...

The Christmas trees went up in our house today, and are being decorated as I speak. Or type, rather. The roast is in the oven and I'm feeling pretty festive.

I've not had much to write of late, so apologies for that. Perhaps that's been because I've been quite content. Yes we are sharing a house with 4 other people, and yes money is tight... but in myself that hasn't seemed to matter. I have a lovely new GP who has put through a referral to the local CMHT for me, and has put my prescriptions on repeat... good huh?

In previous years Christmas for me has been a time of depression and excessive self harming... in fact I started self harming 6 years ago next week. But this year I'm hoping to stay on track and surround myself with family and happiness.

Watch this space...

Tonsillitis

I have tonsillitis. Well, luckily it's on its way out now but the past few days have been more than a little uncomfortable.

Do you ever worry that you've lost the knack? I mean, I have less and less readers nowadays and less and less to say.

Do you think it's time to throw in the towel?

Still in Doncaster folks.

At a loss as to what I should write... suggestions?

We are still living in Doncaster. Crikey it must be a record - 2 weeks in the same place. ;)

All joking aside, we are enjoying it here. Few little hiccups, which can be put down to a big family living in a quite small house!

I got genuinely excited the other day at the prospect of finding a new place, getting a stable job and saving for a mortgage. I know I'm only 20 but I feel like I've done a hell of a lot of living for my years and it feels like the 'right' time to settle down.

I wrote to my Mum today. I didn't put my address but promised to write again soon. I wanted a chance to speak without receiving a biting comment in response. So I talked. Just me. For whatever reason she hasn't ever read one of my e-mails in which I try to explain bipolar - so I explained it again. Gave her some www addresses to take a peek at, if she likes. If not then at least I've tried.

There you go, that's me.

So here it is.

I got depressed. Two weeks ago I started a new med - Paroxetine (Seroxat). It's an anti-depressant. An SSRI.

Since then we have moved to South Yorkshire, and I started feeling a little brighter.

Today was my beautiful niece's 2nd birthday and we had a fab time at her party, then trick-or-treating, then eating Ben and Jerrys.

It's the little things that you have to hold on to.

I seem to be settling into a pattern of not writing titles. I just can't get on with them, they won't pop into my head anymore... similarly my Facebook and Twitter updates are suffering. Do you mind? I guess the point of a title is to give you a little clue as to what I'm going to write about - but you all know by now what I write about so I'm sure you can manage without a title. It wouldn't be funny anyway.

The tablets I am currently on seem to be doing wonders (Olanzapine 10mg & Lamotrigine 75mg) - I was worried with the weight issues surrounding the Olanzapine but it seems to be having an opposite effect on me... my appetite is diminishing by the day and I can't even finish a meal... not that this is a particularly bad thing since I ballooned on the Quetiapine of a few months ago.
Lamotrigine is not licenced to treat bipolar in the UK, but is used as an off-label mood stabiliser - despite being marketed as an anti-convulsant used in the treatment of epilepsy.

I feel a lot more stable and my sleep has evened out too - getting about 8/9 hours a night which is a pretty good level for me as sleep is an integral part of my mood. When I panic it is for a few minutes at most and when I'm depressed it passes relatively quickly too. As for the self-harm... that happens occasionally still but to a much lesser degree than a few years ago.

This has turned into one of those sickening 'I'm fine' posts. I don't want to sound like I'm gloating to others of you suffering... I just think that this blog works best when I'm being honest and open with you all. It's the only hope I have of really helping someone.

I've just noticed that I seem to be acquiring followers... so this is a big welcome to all of you. I hope you find something interesting to read here, and decide to come back some day.

'Things' are still undecided. We may be moving into a winter let with a friend *fingers crossed* and then into a bigger place when money allows. This is the ideal plan of course; I fully intend for life to intervene and mess things up at least a little bit before it all comes through for us.

Not a lot to say, just felt the need/urge to get something out there.

That was it.

Composed sitting outside the Guernsey Information Centre

So yesterday was a bit of a nightmare; lots of panic and things to sort out and worrying to be done.

Today is slightly better... all I have to contend with is the treacle-like substance which feels like it's working it's way down from my brain into the rest of my body. I have the speed of a 90-yr old woman. Is this better than racing thoughts and panic? I just don't know. I appreciate that I can't have everything, I can't ultimately function (brain-wise) as well as a 'normal' person - here I use the word normal in reference to people without a mental illness; but at the same time there's nothing special about me in particular. The meds will help, talking will help, the psych will help... but it's down to me to tie that all together into one mentally-healthy little bundle.

I do sometimes wonder whether I will be classified someday as mentally healthy. Without mental illness. Can that happen? I've been told that meds will be necessary for the rest of my life, I've been told that unless I take them I will end up in and out of institutions. I certainly won't be a nurse. So if I do feel good - on the meds - does that mean I'm no longer suffering with a mental illness? As far as I can see it, the answer is no - because to acheive that level of functionality I have to swallow the pills.

It bothers me often that when I'm down or panicked I seem to say 'you don't understand' to William often. I seem to shut myself into my little bubble where I am completely alone and no-one has ever felt as bad as I. This is ridiculous of course - perhaps each bipolar experience is different, but ultimately we're all going through the same here.

Then there's the question of when you turn from a 'normal' person into one with a mental problem... is it when you attempt suicide? When you're put onto meds? What's to say the doctors can't get it wrong and actually we're all as fucked up as one another, but to varying degrees. I've often asked a doctor if it's possible that I imagined all of this bipolar lark, and made myself suffer from it... he seems to think this highly unlikely. He seemed awfully quick to tell me that I am indeed suffering from a 'severe mental disorder'...

I guess I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment, and I like to capture these rare moments of lucidity so that I might look back one day and think that perhaps it wasn't all that bad - or is it?

Tweaking

So I went to my appointment, all by myself - like the good girl we all know I am.

My meds were indeed adjusted; higher dosages mean bigger smiles - that's what I always say anyway ;)

Things are still pretty good. William is working this evening as there's a concert at the leisure centre. And that's where I am right now, typing away to you all as I can hear the throbbing of the music in the hall beneath me. I would go home only that would mean being by myself - and even I'm not that good.

We are settling well in Guernsey so if there's any more Guerns out there then keep an eye out for me - hell stop me in the street if you like and we debate life or something... I'm the chubby one with long curly brown hair. Usually some sort of pink shoes - be it Converse or Vans!