Thursday, September 24, 2009

Composed sitting outside the Guernsey Information Centre

So yesterday was a bit of a nightmare; lots of panic and things to sort out and worrying to be done.

Today is slightly better... all I have to contend with is the treacle-like substance which feels like it's working it's way down from my brain into the rest of my body. I have the speed of a 90-yr old woman. Is this better than racing thoughts and panic? I just don't know. I appreciate that I can't have everything, I can't ultimately function (brain-wise) as well as a 'normal' person - here I use the word normal in reference to people without a mental illness; but at the same time there's nothing special about me in particular. The meds will help, talking will help, the psych will help... but it's down to me to tie that all together into one mentally-healthy little bundle.

I do sometimes wonder whether I will be classified someday as mentally healthy. Without mental illness. Can that happen? I've been told that meds will be necessary for the rest of my life, I've been told that unless I take them I will end up in and out of institutions. I certainly won't be a nurse. So if I do feel good - on the meds - does that mean I'm no longer suffering with a mental illness? As far as I can see it, the answer is no - because to acheive that level of functionality I have to swallow the pills.

It bothers me often that when I'm down or panicked I seem to say 'you don't understand' to William often. I seem to shut myself into my little bubble where I am completely alone and no-one has ever felt as bad as I. This is ridiculous of course - perhaps each bipolar experience is different, but ultimately we're all going through the same here.

Then there's the question of when you turn from a 'normal' person into one with a mental problem... is it when you attempt suicide? When you're put onto meds? What's to say the doctors can't get it wrong and actually we're all as fucked up as one another, but to varying degrees. I've often asked a doctor if it's possible that I imagined all of this bipolar lark, and made myself suffer from it... he seems to think this highly unlikely. He seemed awfully quick to tell me that I am indeed suffering from a 'severe mental disorder'...

I guess I've just got a lot on my mind at the moment, and I like to capture these rare moments of lucidity so that I might look back one day and think that perhaps it wasn't all that bad - or is it?


Awareness said...

Anyone I have talked to who are learning to adjust to the realities of mental illness and taking meds in order to keep a balance ask the same questions that you are asking here sweetie. Its a huge, huge adjustment made all the more complicated and difficult because the meds work and you begin to feel balanced and "normal" as you say.

I'm glad you're back posting....and I 'm glad you're beginning to find some settling happening for you and Will in Guernsey. Healing happens by the water.... for you xxx

I'm sorry though that things didn't work out so that you could go into nursing, but I am thinking its better to have been faced with this now and not after you started the course.

I'm wondering if one of the career options you could look into is becoming a translator. You have a love of the french language and maybe it can be utilized. The thing about translation is that you could manage your own time and energy because it would be the kind of written work that would be sent to you to translate etc. You could also take french courses online and conversational french courses one at a time in the evenings or something.

just a thought...


Nikita said...

Thanks Dana for dropping by. I suspect that many of my questions will never be answered, but I can deal with that.

I don't feel too settled right now, but am going to keep pushing through until I find somewhere or something that works.

I am going to re-apply for nursing as soon as I can, so just now I'm not looking for another career. Just a gap-filler. I did once entertain the idea of a translator but I don't think it's for me; not enough contact with people!


Awareness said...

No problemo... :) Translators here are used at most provincial meetings because it is a bilingual province and legally both languages have to be offered. So, it can be interactive with many. But, I understand what you're saying.

There are many health care related careers where you'd have lots of contact with people you may want to look into, just as a back up. If you are interested in chatting about it, email me ok? Career exploration/counselling is one of my jobs. :) xx