No more counting

A member of an online community I am part of passed away the other day, she took her own life. She was my age and she was known as emmybug. She didn't post to say she felt suicidal, she didn't text anyone, she just slipped away.
I am crying because I'm thankful. I have been where she was in her mind and someone or something saved me. It was decided that it wasn't my time to go, and I'm thankful for that.
Unfortunately emmybug slipped through the soft net we put up to protect her, and now we can only hope that she has peace.

No alarms and no surprises, please

I am without picture today and relying heavily on people recognising that inspired Radiohead quote up there. That's what happens if you don't get Broadband children. I had wanted to put a picture I took on Saturday morning whilst walking to work at sunrise, right across the Bailiwick and up into St Peter Port - even catching a bit of Beau Sejour and Les Cotils in the far right. Obviously this venture failed and will have to wait until I get back to college and the delights of free, fast Internet when I should be studying, then again a very wise man once said; "There's a lot of things I should do, kid"

This week is my reinvention week, my week to evaluate things. I've been wanting, and threatening, to do this for some time now but haven't had the time. Lo and behold along comes a little thing called half term to help me out. So inbetween reading all those books I meant to read ages ago, catching up on recomendations and making passable poems out of scribbles - I've also been changing.

I don't need to spend my wages as they arrive in my account each week. I don't need to buy copious amounts of clothes in a vain attempt to cheer myself up. I don't even need to buy that jumper in FatFace or those shoes in Sail Or Surf. I have everything I need. What I am going to do is save up for my car insurance and tax which both need renewing. I'm going to save for Uni. I'm going to save for a really torrential rainy day because spending on the little ones doesn't make them any brighter at all.

Last night I was reading through all the references that were kindly written for me when I was put forward for Lieutenant Governor's Cadet (Presentation ceremony on the 8th November - beward dodgy Guernsey Press photos of me in uniform). They are outstanding references and I can't get my head round them being about me. Me! John Elliott from GST wrote such a sweet one, and Jenny Falla from Guiding, a bunch of my teachers at school and even a little girl I babysit sometimes. They actually make me cry because what I'm reading here is how I appear to other people, it's enough to make anyone cry.

They say that people change, and I'd always maintained that my mum could change, my crazy alcoholic dad could change - but I never really believed it. They both have cars and houses and all they need, their lives suit them without change. I can't change anybody to fit in with my ideals for them - not my family and not my friends. But people do change with time, little aspects of their personality become incompatible and slowly but surely they drift away. That's sad of course but repairable - if both parties want it to be. Unfortunately part of these changes often involve irreparable differences and whilst I know a lot of people have drifted away from us all they never stop caring, maybe they just stop laughing at our jokes or loving us in our flawed beauty. We will never stop loving them though.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to think of five things or people that I love, then I'm going to tell them. Try it.

Apprehensive but fine

I write to you, petals, from college. I have completed and sent off UCAS, I have completed and handed in assignments meant to be half term work and I have had my stitches removed this morning.

I'm looking forward to a half term filled with sleep and nothing else. I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends. I'm looking forward to a break.

I'm good.

Morbid Outlook

Today I am having a day of realisation. There are no doubt many causes for this and there's no doubt that most of them will sound stupid to you. Last night I had a very bad night. I knew it was coming and I knew that no matter what any psychiatrist or caring friend said I could not avoid it, and I couldn't. For days now I've known, I've been practising for it and working up to it and feeling so utterly lifeless that I'm surprised I managed to do it.

But I did. The first aid supplies holding my arm in place are testament to this. It hurts, of course it does, but it feels like a deserved hurt - a hurt that I've earned. I feel sick, and probably sound it too, but at the same time I feel calm - because I have quelled the beast inside and fed to him his ritual serving of blood, until the next time.

I feel devoid of an identity today, lacking in direction. Christianity today is a distant hope, and happiness a far-fetched dream. Dutifully I came into college today, wrapped up like an eskimo.

Uhm

I was going to put a photo of me and some pals in France but then I realised how fat I looked, and cancelled it. So I found a better one.

I'm not feeling brilliant today, I know I'm a big mess. I'm getting there though.

Love ya

Reconciliation

Who knows if I spelt that properly? I don't know.
I love you guys, you know that? Everyone who ever visited here, I love you.
I felt I needed to write this post to apologise for my behaviour in the past few weeks/months. I am better now. Really I am. Next time I'll try not to take it out on you guys so much, cos that ain't fair! Anyway Niki is back, and she's looking to stay - will you have me? x

I'm having trouble,
With who I am,
Brown hair and eyes and
Skin that holds so many lies.
The colours they cascade around my world,
But monotone tears are all I produce.
My smile is wide,
The outlook sunny,
Though deep inside my soul protests.
I wonder if I'll ever match.
Conflicting feelings;
Mixed up mind,
Look inside and you'll see you're blind.
What you see is not what I am,
I'm nothing, not really.

x

Wish List

You know what I want now more than anything? More than anything in the entire world?
I want to be able to talk, in person, about me. I want to not be afraid and run off whenever the subject of me is brought up. I want to be myself in anyone's prescence. I want everyone to know and see my arms littered with scars. I want to cure everyone's depression. I want to look good and know I look good. I want to sail around the world. I want to be in love, not just loved by someone. I want to not cry every morning. I want to not cry everynight. I want to write an entire book about everything that I've crammed into 17 years. I want to wear sleeveless tops and not be stared at. I want people to see beyond my scruffiness. I want people to not think I'm just a stereotypical teenager, because I'm not. I want to be enveloped in beauty.

Both Sides Now

I love Joni Mitchell. I love the acoustic version of 'Both Sides Now'. I love the lyrics.
I'm sorry I brought Christianity into this blog.

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you"; right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Desperate

Soon. Soon I will stop swamping you with black clouds. Soon.

I am told anyway. God told me. I'm not sure that I believe him.

I don't know what he meant. I have an idea.

Until then, shine on my sparkles.