Oh I don't know what's happening. We may move back, we may not. Still hoping that we will, still hoping that I'll get accepted to the nursing degree in February.

As for right now, well everything is going okay. Looking forward to my 21st next month, to a possible holiday in the sun. I just had pancakes cooked for me by the one I love... what could be better?

I think what I am trying to say is that there are uncertainties, there always will be, but it doesn't mean we can't enjoy that funny old thing called life.

It looks like we may be moving back to Guernsey. I'm still not sure how I feel about this, really... I love Guernsey. It's my home and it's where I can be with the sea and the sun and my friends. But last time we were there it was the place where things went wrong, in fact things always go wrong there. My family and our financial situation made it impossible and very nearly made me lose my mind. Last time we were there I attempted suicide, albeit a little halfheartedly, and I'm scared. More than anything I'm scared that these things will happen again... I'm scared of going back to the place in my head that I got to last time.

This time round money wouldn't be a problem, so that's one less thing to worry about - but my family are still there, and they still don't want me there - much less Will.

I want to go back, I really do... I just can't if it means going through all the heartache again too.

So things have been pretty quiet around here. I haven't really been up to much exciting... just frantically searching for a job... babysitting Grace... tidying the house up again and again!

I am enjoying living here in Doncaster, but Will is not. I recently learnt that he hates living here, which is upsetting because I feel like it's my fault. If he weren't with me then he could go back to Guernsey whenever he wanted. It's something that I feel scared will drive a wedge between us.

Yesterday was my long-awaited appointment with the local psychiatrist, Dr A. Unsurprisingly he didn't have any of my previous notes so knew nothing about me or my history, so the whole appointment was basically about me telling him my life story... everything. He didn't seem very attentive to me and some things I didn't want to tell him because he was so unapproachable - plus he had a medical student in there with us but didn't even ask if that was alright with me, so I felt very uncomfortable.

The long and the short of it was that after hearing everything I had to tell him, he told me that I didn't need to spend any more time in the company of psychiatrists. He told me that as my medication was working pretty well that all I needed to do was keep getting my prescriptions from the GP. If I need to then I can call on the CMHT, but I don't need to set up regular appointments with them.

So there you have it... I am officially a self-maintaining bipolar girl. It's all down to me now.

This might take a while to make sense, but bear with me and I'm sure it'll all become clear in the end.

The other day on a form with my name on, in an office someplace... somebody wrote that bipolar is not a condition requiring mental health treatment.

So I was wondering... what do you think? Do you think that some mental illnesses - bipolar included - really require such constant monitoring? Really need the help of a mental health team? Or do you think that we should leave such things to run their course? Should I down all of those meds everyday, or should I fight it out?

Perhaps a controversial subject, a strange question... but one that's on my mind.

Miss Me?

I've been offline since we moved into the new house but today BT came along and saved us.

Yesterday we bought a new bed - I'm so excited!

I haven't really got a lot to say, I just really want to keep this blog going - help me?

xxx

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone. I feel the need to thank all of you who helped me through 2009, let's hope that this year I manage a little more on my own!

William and I went out last night but I was totally gone by about 11pm so we headed back for a snuggle up and some footage of the celebrations in London. It was a lovely way to see in the New Year.

Today we went to the in-laws for dinner and all watched Rain Man, as we relaxed it started to snow again. Perfect white Christmas and now a snowy New Year!

My 'resolutions' are to stop biting my nails (again), and to give up self harm once and for all. (My last 'time' was the 27th December 2009, and I'm vowing that to be the end of it)

Thanks all