Luck

I wasn't going to blog tonight as William is out and Alfie asleep, I was going to have some 'me' time and watch a film whilst staring at the christmas lights.

But then I read an article about pregnancy and bipolar, in it I read of all the risks to mother and baby when you factor in a bipolar mother.

The choice I made, to continue my meds whilst pregnant, was a risky one and it made me afraid at every scan, every check-up, everyday... But I felt that the risk would be even higher if I stopped medication all together. I didn't have all too much of a choice anyway because I didn't find out I was pregnant until the 2nd trimester.

Still I continued with my medication - there were no defects to be found but I was still scared.

When I eventually went into labour it was long and scary - of course! But I may be the first woman to fall asleep in labour. Anyway I had been in labour for 8 hours and I thought that nothing was happening. But all of a sudden my room was full of nurses and doctors and before I knew it I was getting a spinal block and it was all over!

I had never been so happy as when I saw William holding his son, and then... I got to hold him. I can't even describe how it felt - there is a picture of our first cuddle and despite me looking absolutely revolting, it is my favourite ever photo.

Alfie had to be monitored for two days to see if my medication had affected him - so that was another 48 hours of agonising wait. Plus I was stuck in bed and Alfie seemed so far away in his clear plastic crib. I never stopped ringing the buzzer for the nurse - to ask her to check he was breathing or needed his nappy changed or if he was hungry!

When we were discharged as healthy - that was when I felt that we had done it. We were both okay.

William tells me that everytime I had a contraction, Alfie's heart-rate dropped and the doctors decided to perform a caesarean as a matter of urgency. This coupled with the risks make me wonder what kind of person I am.

Was there any way out? I think so. If I had stopped the medication then perhaps I would have come to harm but there was more of a chance that Alfie would have been okay. Continuing it meant that Alfie had to be monitored throughout and kept William and I worrying for months.

I know now that me and Alfie are healthy but I was just thinking about what leads us, as humans, to make decisions. Did I even make the decision or was I coerced into it by my doctors? I'm not sure I even remember a point when it was decided that I would potentially poison my baby before he was even born - but I never stopped it, did I?

I'm not sure what I'm saying but I was just wondering, dear readers, whether there is any way of analysing a decision, if in fact there is such thing as an autonomous decision.