Monday, February 02, 2009

Slipping away

I've been having thoughts recently, almost lonely thoughts.

Wondering what will happen when one day you can't even see my scars. Everyday I notice that one or another of them has slipped away... never to be seen again. For some reason it feels like when I don't have them anymore, or they can't be seen, the bipolar and borderline will be meaningless. Like I'll have no 'proof' of my suffering.

I know how terrible this sounds. Missing scars that I put there myself. It sounds like I want attention, and can only get it subliminally... read like a code on my arms.

This evening I sent a horribly bitchy e-mail to Will at work, I know when he reads it he'll be so upset.

But I haven't sent another to apologise. I haven't called him to say sorry.

It's like I feel better in myself, but now that I do I am pushing away the person who makes me feel best.

I feel like I'm mourning the scars of years ago. Just like a loved-one they can't be replaced, not even with new ones.


Rainbow dreams said...

Niki, doesn't sound daft at all. To want to have something visible for the pain and hurt we are going through, that the world can see, some expression of it is natural, some recognition almost.
Each scar means something, a moment of pain. I wish they weren't on your body but on something else instead...

and we all end up taking things out and hurting those we love and who love us the most...they are the ones most likely to forgive us, those we are free to be our true selves with...hope you have made up, Katie,xx

Nikita said...

Thanks Katie, at least I'm not going completely insane! Unfortunately I have a few new ones after last night. I'm kicking myself for it now, of course.

We have made up, and went out today for a lovely time. But still I find myself wanting to push people away, especially Will, which worries me. Because this is what I usually do before a total meltdown.

At least I recognise it, I guess.


Awareness said...

Have you connected with that therapist? If she's any good, I think she can help guide you through the symbolism of the thoughts and feelings you're having Niki.

I dont want to get into any interpretations here....i'm too far away geographically. But, you know I'm thinking this is a good awareness and step towards the internal healing. The scars may be fading on the outside and are not yet on the inside. Time to heal the inside ones too....why? Because it will help you find forgiveness.

Nikita said...

Hey Dana, no... unfortunately she didn't think we could work together. Or at least that's what I'm guessing because I received a letter from the CMHT the other day telling me I was being re-assessed by another therapist. Perhaps it'll be just what I need.

Thank you for your words, it's definitely something I need to think over. Perhaps it is 'time'. I am hoping this new assessment will give me the help I need, and I can finally make some progress where I left off with Dr H in 2007.


Awareness said...

good on the therapist to know her own professional parameters! I'm glad you're having another assessment. You knew all along it wasn't a good fit didn't you? That's what the hesitation was! :) Glad she caught up to your intuition.
One day at a time right? And at the end of the day, assess how you are feeling.

hope today is a good one.....get out for some fresh air! :)