I've been having thoughts recently, almost lonely thoughts.
Wondering what will happen when one day you can't even see my scars. Everyday I notice that one or another of them has slipped away... never to be seen again. For some reason it feels like when I don't have them anymore, or they can't be seen, the bipolar and borderline will be meaningless. Like I'll have no 'proof' of my suffering.
I know how terrible this sounds. Missing scars that I put there myself. It sounds like I want attention, and can only get it subliminally... read like a code on my arms.
This evening I sent a horribly bitchy e-mail to Will at work, I know when he reads it he'll be so upset.
But I haven't sent another to apologise. I haven't called him to say sorry.
It's like I feel better in myself, but now that I do I am pushing away the person who makes me feel best.
I feel like I'm mourning the scars of years ago. Just like a loved-one they can't be replaced, not even with new ones.