Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Go Away


This is me, turning my head away.. away from the camera, away from people, away from reality.
In myself, I feel good. I had a good day... snow, IKEA, tidying... can't go wrong.
But in my head? In my head are dark thoughts. Thoughts which tell me to run away. To look away. To push people away.
I find myself doing it automatically. Not returning the calls from a friendship I am so desperately trying to cultivate. Being moody with Will. Worrying about things which don't need to be worried about.
An episode is on the horizon... but will my awareness of this be enough to push it away?

6 comments:

Awareness said...

your awareness is your gut telling you to seek some intervention don't you think? I know its been a long bloody haul trying to find the right meds but it takes time to get it right so that the dark thoughts dont dominate especially on days when they are competing for attention with the good feelings.

Bite that episode in the sorry ass and act on your beautiful intuition, ok?

Awareness said...

what did you get at Ikea?

Nikita said...

I do think... thank you beautiful. I have made a promise to call the crisis team if I feel that naughty urge again. But if not, my re-assessment is on the 19th. I think I can hold out till then. The productive day I've had has given me a good boost.

My med increase is definitely helping, thanks Dana. I will act on it. I won't let myself fade into a corner, again.

:) I got a shelf (for my snowglobe collection *blush*), a little table for by the bed and some lovely white lampshades. 6 months in we are finally making the flat feel like a home.

PS I also got a little cuddly mouse... for a child. But I fell in love with her. xx

Awareness said...

good to hear. it takes a while to kick in efectively as you know better than me. it's kind of a catch-22 isn't it? It's difficult to monitor oneself during the peaks and valleys all the while keeping an eye on whether the meds are right. but you have Will to be a second set of eyes and ears too.

I love Ikea....unfortunately there isn't one around here. i always have to wait until i get home to where my family lives to get a quick fix.

Jess said...

don't be ashamed about the cuddly mouse... me and my housemates got a rather large cuddly hippo from ikea and he's now our fifth housemate. we love him.

smile, it's lovely when it happens xxx

Nikita said...

Thanks Jess.
She's good to have, you know. When things are dark and you're crying and you just don't know what to do.
E-mail after e-mail I've sent to Will and I just can't shake it off. I'm a fraud.