Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My name's Nikita...

... and I am 19 years old.

I am here because I think I am fat and ugly and inherently bad.

I try to make myself better by taking sharp objects to my skin.

Sometimes...

... All you can do is be honest.

14 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Honesty takes courage, but it also makes it easier too, more transparent.
May I also add you are working hard at finding a way forward, and because you want to you will...

I wish you didn't feel you needed to hurt yourself, but you ARE cared for as you are, and, from an outside perspective (mine) you are not fat and ugly and certainly not bad...
one day I hope you will see that too, x

Nikita said...

Thank you Katie. I just thought, that when you feel like you're fading into nothing... the truth could set you free. Or something like that, anyway. x

Rainbow dreams said...

perhaps it can..think the truth is a good place to start anyhow...not always easy though, hope today is easier, x

paulwchambers said...

i think the truth make you odd... so take it from me you're in good company... wander out tomorrow and buy that album of joy - be lifted as you listen to kingdom of days so loud it pisses the street off, and cry with the remaining E Streeters as you watch them mourn danny on the dvd as they record Carnival...

stay strong ....

Nikita said...

Thanks Paul... stronger everyday

paulwchambers said...

that's the spirit!

my old departed saintly friend father O used to say to me and gareth amidst our melancholy and lamenting that we should simply say to our dark voices to get the 'Feck out of our fecking heads" - for such an articulate man, i treasure his passion and wisdom on these matters ;)

Nikita said...

That's a brilliant quote... perhaps I shall suggest it as a healing thought at my counselling lecture. Hey, it would save people a lot of time and counselling bills...

paulwchambers said...

i think maybe you should... :)

swile67 said...

Your honesty is refreshing. I don't mean that in a "light, airy , fairy way":) You are giving us a glimpse into your life at this present moment...I am in awe at your tenacity and vulnerability. I wish there were words that would heal your pain. I hope you find light out of this darkness soon. Keep pressing on. Karyne

Rainbow dreams said...

you know there are many times that quote would be appropriate and useful... :)

Awareness said...

Niki....hope your day is fecking better.
You know what happened to me today? In the middle of the usual spam penis growing emails, I was sent a blessing poem from a guy named Chris who told me he loved me....

May you find happiness today....

blah,blah....

I thought to myself....who the FECK is Chris and how did he get my work email address?

So I thought I would reply....part of me thinking maybe my age is getting to me and there is a long lost Chris in my background I had a fling with or something...and can't remember.

So I penned a really BAD (on purpose) blessing back... and lo and behold...it was undeliverable.

So...it looks like I have a spam admirer named Chris. And I decided....what the FECK....I'm going to pretend there is a honkin' gorgeous guy out there who knows how to wear a tea cosy "propa" who LOVES me today.

heehee....true.

where are you honey?? are you in the hospital?

are they fixing your meds? are things levelling out again??

Nikita said...

Hi Karyne... thanks for dropping by. Day by day new light is appearing to me... it's just a case of being able to see it.
Hope you are well. x

Definitely Katie ;) x

:) thank you for making me smile Dana. I am SURE that gorgeous guy is out there... and I bet he even made his tea cosy himself ;)
My meds have been adjusted and am trying to rest (at home) until my next review on the 19th Feb.
It seems a long way away, but slowly things are levelling.
By levelling I mean I am not crying so much, and the harm I want to do... is staying locked in my head. For now.
Hope you're well darling. x

Independent Chick said...

Thinking about you. xx

Nikita said...

Thank you sweetie. x