La vie sans lumière

That's how I feel like I'm living right now - not in darkness, just without light. You know that time of the evening just after dusk where the cities still glow in the distance and the street lamps are still orange but you need a light with which to read.

I'm in one of those towns, watching a city breathe. In the morning the motorway hums in the distance above the waking of the birds, at lunchtime the roads are jammed with commuters trying to make the most of a 40min lunch. And in the evening, the motorway starts to slur and as the sky turns to marl the lights flare up, a twinkling array of orange and yellow which seem to make you squint with the achingness of it all.

It's like a life lived from a distance, always cautious and curteous - avoiding confrontation or anger. Occaisionally depression sets in but you don't complain because what good would it do? Time after time terrible things seem to happen to you but because of your thoughts you don't wallow in it, you move on and accept that you can't have deserved the goodness anyway.

And the lights, when you see the lights you long to be there with all the 'other' people who get promotions and friends...you ache to be right there in their false embrace, surrounded by their wealth and seeming longevity.

But then your light comes on...throws attention to the half-finished decorating, the floor you mean to replace. The pets who aren't well trained, the food which is from a discount range. These things are real and they might not be illuminated, they might sometimes be lonely but they are never false. The sound of your little flat may be drowned by upstairs and next door, the light from it may not even reach your garden...but it's heard, by the people who are worth having...by the people who walk away, sometimes, from the city - to be a part of the world.

What I mean is that life may be a little dark in comparison, but light it shines goes much farther than the horizon.

Frost Run

The title has no connection to the post, I'm just sitting here alone pretty cold and it feels like no matter how much I put on or how many blankets I find I'm still running from the cold, and it never lets me get too far ahead.

For a few days I stopped taking my medication, becasue I thought I had got better - I was making jokes and smiling all the time.

It turns out that was because of the medication.

Will made me see sense and I have started it up again, which means enduring all of the crap that comes with a new psychiatric medication - sleepiness and grumpiness and general bitchiness.
I self harmed last night also, which was disappointing. More than disappointing.

I think disheartened, is the word of the day.

Every Morning

(This isn't two posts in a day - the last one was before I went to bed last night)

Every morning I wake up and regret.

I told myself that no matter what happened or what I did that I would never have any regrets...well I do.
I regret not getting through Uni, at least not the first year.

It may seem small and you may tell me I can try again, and you'd be right - but it's not the same. On my first attempt I failed, things got tough and I ran.

I look around Facebook and see all these beautiful friends of mine happy and thriving at Uni - whereas what do I do?
Nothing. I sit and wait to get better, pretending that I'm in recovery so that people won't ask why I don't work.

I let my mother down.

Rain on the Pretty Ones...

No words of mine today darlings...just the lyrics of Ed Harcourt. (No idea where they came from - just found them on an old memory stick.)

I'm the hunter who's killed by his dog
I'm the statue burnt down into lead
I'm the problem you don't want to solve
I'm the lover who dies in his bed

So rain on the pretty ones
Your useless lives don't speak to us
Rain on the pretty ones
You leave no footprints in the dust
Adventurous you used to be
But now you seem so dead to me

I'm the doctor with a needle in his arm
I'm the cartoon that makes you feel sad
I'm the secret that everyone has
I'm the cancer that never turns black

So rain on the pretty ones
Your useless lives don't speak to us
Rain on the pretty ones
You leave no footprints in the dust
Adventurous you used to be
But now you seem so dead to me

I'm the actor who's scared to perform
I'm the sunshine that hides in the clouds
I'm the father that couldn't be found
I'm the cuckoo that never flew south
I'm the Christian that cannot forgive
I'm the dreamer who jumps off the bridge
I'm the sinner who hates how he lives
I'm the liar who gets what he gives

A Moment

This evening is strange for me. I feel contented, and I feel safe.
But I feel so alone.
I feel dark and suffocated.
I feel like I can't make anything okay.
I chatted to a good friend last night and told her everything was okay.
But I lied.
I am struggling, still.

Drawing In

The clocks go back on Sunday here in the UK and that means that it's going to get darker, colder and all the more winterier over the coming weeks.

Personally I love this, I love the dark evenings under a blanket, I love the jeans and tops I start to live in, I love the wellies I'll need to take the dog for a walk.

I'm not at my most literate today though I have been writing a poem a day in the back of my journal for some time now, and it feels good. The meds are at a steady level, I can rise before lunch and the wedding plans are well underway.

Love you

Reinvention

You'll notice (I hope) the colour and font changes to the blog. I thought that it was time for another fresh start. Not that I am unhappy with it or anything like that, a little change just felt right. And the colour of my bedroom wall is a perfect colour to match with.

I worry that my choice of colour for my blog reflects badly on my personality, and that the hot pink of blogs gone by will put people off, and make them feel that there is nothing of substance to be found. Which I hope there is.

You might also notice that my grammar is all over the place today - I apologise for this and rather shamefully blame it on my latest medication. Whilst the stuff infiltrates my system I'm running on half empty, and awake only about 5 hours in every 24. All in the name of mental wellbeing.

I appreciate that drugs are not always the answer, but on the otherhand I recognise that I do have a condition and if I am to use medication to reach some sort of level-footing then right now I am not in the position to say no.

Perhaps if this medication takes then I can actually put some thought into this blog, and say some of those things of substance!

Much love xxx

Back

Hey there everyone

So the new puppy is settling in, she is called Baby and thankfully is now getting to know Mittens the kitten.

Today I got my brand new meds - Seroquel. I figure now I'm on anti-psychotics I've joined the ranks of the truly crazy!

Watch this space for updates on the crazy house.