Change

I've always written or bragged about being someone who can handle change, maybe even someone who thrives on change, and maybe I used to be. Used to be. I've got to know what it is to be me more than ever before this past academic year and I've got my safe routines; I always take my pills at my locker, I always give Kayleigh a hug and walk round the school before classes start. I always go to the Candie Store to get lunch, then go to the gym and then home for a shower. These are all tiny things but they're things I've come to rely on. I don't mean I'm never spontaneous; there's nothing better than a piece of cake in Pelicans or a wander round the shops with my girls.

What do I do now? Find new routines when I'm working here there and everywhere? Find a new place to eat lunch while I'm travelling? Fit revision and clearing out my room into the day to day business of surviving?

It might seem like I'm exaggerating all this and maybe I am, it's just today though that I realised change isn't always that great. And while change might be great when I have the choice, when it's thrust upon me I don't feel comfortable with it. I haven't planned for it.

One day at a time then, I suppose

An End

I will post more photos of the end of my era, but I shall wait until all exams are conquered. Sorry I look so fat in here; it's the girls of my English Lit class. I'm going to miss that class the most. Mr Samuel Thompson was our mentor; he is getting married on Saturday. The end.

Fuck Yes

You know what? I've been writing this and known some of you for quite some time; you know I'm a fickle bugger and one to drown in self-pity on regular occasions. I am self-obsessed and let's face it, pretty selfish all together. Tonight I have absolutely no idea how to make my life work. But you know what?

I feel fucking fantastic

It makes no sense. But then things rarely do, I've learnt to spend a little less time deciphering the good moments and just relish them - there'll be plenty of deciphering to do when the next down comes. But just now, right now; I feel amazing.

I feel like surfing, I feel like hiking out on a damn big yacht, I feel like staying out all night on the beach, I feel like travelling a million miles to see an acquaintance, I feel unstoppable. I am going to ride this wave out until the very last wash; my board may be scuffed and a little run-down, but it sure as hell still slices that water.

Don't ever give up

Ugh

It's all I can say today.

I'm alive.

Through all the pain your eyes stayed blue

Just before you all realise; no this photo has absolutely no relevance to what I'm going to post about today. I just found it on my laptop and realised it's over a year since I last stood looking up the skirts of La Tour Eiffel in Paris. Funny how time flies when you're having fun huh? I know it's a stereotypical view of Paris - but I don't care, I even bought a 3 euro beret when I first went to the city of romance. One day I shall run away there and just spend everyday sitting in a cafe outside Notre Dame and strolling past the stalls on the Seine.

*Enough of that romantic clap-trap.*

I really don't have a reason for posting today. I have just got broadband installed and so I am now to be found most evenings at my laptop beaming my ugly mug out via a webcam to any poor person who happens to be online. Wireless is dangerous. Although I will say it's giving me something to do at 3am when I seem to be waking up at the moment.

However just now I should be doing a French Listening practice test. I love french. I just can't bring myself to spend an hour listening to some english person trying to talk about police brutality in french. I will do it before school tomorrow, I promise.

Someone give me a purpose

Crying in the Dark

Forgive me, I need to get this out before it consumes me.

I am so lucky. So lucky. I have a house to live in, I have family, I have friends and I have air in my lungs. I am loved. I love.

Yet

I am crying. I am crying because it hurts so much to have these things. It hurts. It has done for as long as I can remember. I heard such a sad story yesterday and I've cried about it - I can't tell you as it's not mine to share.

I ignored my best friend, Saffron, all day today. All day. I ignored her. I wouldn't let her close for a hug. I wouldn't answer her honestly.

I have my beautiful boy who loves me and who I love.

So what the fuck is all of this in my head? These tears? This hurt?

What is it?

I have no credit on my phone, thankfully. There's no-one calling me and I can't call anyone. I've pushed too hard this time.

Poetry In Motion

I went to this fantastic evening last week at Guernsey's new Performing Arts Centre.
Grace and I set off in Reginald the little Micra and arrived much too early to be greeted by all of the poets posing for their group shot.
Mr Samuel Thompson, our A Level English Lit teacher is a member of the PIM group and is a fantastic published poet - I have both of his books. I like to think we made his evening by showing our support - indeed he dedicated his second set to "All the young ones out there" - by the immortal Bruce Springsteen.
All of the poetry was fantastic and the handouts of collected works have been read and re-read a million times over the weekend. There were so many different styles and I came away with a notebook full of new ideas, as well as a big grin on my face.
The retiring collection was in aid of Help a Guernsey child and they made a welcome sum that evening from the full audience in the black drama studio.
If anyone wishes to read or learn more about the Poets in Motion please let me know - I can't recommend them enough.

PS I am in love. I spent the best weekend of my life with the most beautiful boy in the world and I love him...more. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX