Friday, March 09, 2007

Je ne suis pas sur

Quite by accident I haven’t written in a while, a while by my standards anyway; I thought I’d give you all a rest from the junk sprouted so regularly…

Last weekend I did a mini indoor triathlon; it was only a few km and involved rowing rather than swimming but for some obscure reason it meant something to me. I’ve had a gym membership since I was twelve and at one point just before I was thirteen I was going everyday and neglecting to eat much. Classic teenage scenario. Anyway once that was rather forcefully put a stop to I didn’t go again until I was about fifteen and only every now and again. These past two weeks I’ve been going everyday in my free period, I’ve been eating just one meal a day and eating cereals and drinking water in between. I went this morning only to find I’d forgotten my trainers so I went home thinking it didn’t matter if I didn’t go; I sat down and got a drink. I got up and went back to the gym. I had to go; I felt too guilty if I didn’t. Just like the other day when I ate chocolate…but we won’t go into that.

I haven’t cut since I’ve been going to the gym and it would appear to the more fastidious readers that I’ve replaced one obsession with another; which I freely recognise. My question is which is worse? Is one more detrimental than the other? Millions of people go to the gym everyday because they want to keep in shape, or get fit; I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with that. Am I right? Some people might argue that anything which exercises control over us is something to be wary of; as with anything which forces us to do things we may not want to. Surely going to the gym everyday and eating healthily is advantageous over taking a blade to ones arm.

On a less surprising note; I have no English ability whatsoever to speak of. Since everybody was far too kind to tell me that my poems were shite and my prose laughable I suppose the grade E on my poetry/drama English re-sit might just serve as confirmation of my fears. Reassure all the Universities that I shan’t be massacring their literature programs as previously planned.

This afternoon I have been to lunch with my father; I graciously ate a tuna sandwich while he polished off the biggest lunch I have ever seen, complete with a dessert and three pints of lager – even though he was driving. I’m not going on another drink-driving rant, I promise. On leaving the bar we went out to the car park and first my car; it was too dirty, not parked straight enough and messy…apparently. Then he saw it. The Scratch. Some bastard either at work or college took a chunk of paint out of my Fifi and he saw it; needless to say I was given my due disapproval from His Lordship for not ‘taking care of it’ before he skulked off and I went to get checked out. I did receive an apology text and a voicemail saying if I called my insurance he’d get the guys at work to take a look at it.

Still it was a large enough blow to penetrate the damn black fog tugging at my heels and enough for me to shirk all invitations for the weekend to write this in bed. I shall, of course, go to work and the gym; this gives me more motivation to push my body further, because I am stubborn and always out to prove myself; you’d think after seventeen and a half years of him not noticing I’d take the hint.

So now it’s the evening and I’m just here thinking, about the E in English, the C in French, the three Bs I need… Plus the insurance for the car which will go up if I make a claim, to add insult to the already serious injury of £700 for a teenage driver. Plus I’m hurting through my own fault and others. Plus I feel sick from a mistake I made earlier (I’m ok). Plus it’s that time of the month. So don’t annoy me, ok?

x

5 comments:

mister tumnus said...

hi niki. don't hate me for this buuuuut... i'm an english teacher! if there's anything i can help you with would you send me an email? resits can be such a stinker because you're studying for other stuff at the same time as trying to do stuff you haven't done for several months. anyway. my email address is:

smilburne@hotmail.com

i'd love to help if i can. obviously i'm biased but if you want to study english at university then i'd love to encourage you in any way possible cos it's great!

Stagestruckgal said...

I think its better that you replaced gym with cutting, but i think you need to be sensible about it too. Eat properly as well as excercising otherwise you will make yourself ill, and we dont want that. The english resits are a pile of shite, niki. honestly. sorry mr tumnus, but i think they are. he's right though, the resits are harder than the originals because you're learning new stuff alongside relearning the old stuff, so theres more going round in your head at the time. I dont think your poetry is shite, it fills me with awe every time you post a new one, and i think, why cant i write like that? They over power me so much, i sit at my screen and stare at it after reading it. So dont go saying your poetry is shite. Hope things look up soon *hugs*

mister tumnus said...

i don't know what board your exams come under but the one we do in school is bonkers. interpreting the mark scheme is (in my opinion) harder than learning everything you need to know to pass the exam. exam technique is equally important to knowing the stuff and it can get very disheartening for clever students who have worked hard to find that knowing everything about (for example) king lear isn't enough. it does my head in when the papers go on every year about exams getting easier. A levels now are way harder than they were 10 years ago (again, IMHO!). anyhoo....

your poetry isn't shite, btw.

Niki said...

Hi Mr T; I will send you an e-mail, if that's ok. Just felt a bit deflated...I think we're with Edexcel, but I'm often wrong...

Hi Laura; thank you for your encouragement once again; I still think it's rubbish and shan't be posting any more poetry for a while; my ego is somewhat bruised...

mister tumnus said...

yes that's ok. please do email.