Tuesday, March 13, 2007

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...

I thought I was done with all this; didn't I promise you guys that I was? Didn't I say I would never let myself get this far down again? Truth be told I should be used to this; should be well-rehearsed in the art of hiding away, should know when to stop reaching out to people so they wish they had their phones off... But I don't. I never did do very well on my own...

When I'm happy it's almost as though I seek reassurance that I really am happy; when I'm sad I seek solace in someone else's kind words or embrace. I fear I may be co-dependent...infact I'm pretty sure of it.

The song which gives this post its name has been on a loop in my car; turned up so loud the poor thing vibrates and when I start to cry in queues of traffic women look down their noses, men leer and children grin on; unaware as yet of what it is to be depressed.
Many people have been telling me for many a year that depression is an illness; I simply see it (in myself only) as a weakness; as something I should get over.

Before this turns into yet another self-pitying rant, I shall leave. X

2 comments:

mister tumnus said...

that song makes me cry too. and i have cried in the car to it as well!

if there are people who are sticking around throughout this time then it has to be because they see something in you you can't see yourself. try to hang in there. i can't tell you the number of times i almost gave up on myself and my mind boggles when i consider that there are people who didn't have to text me back or be concerned about me but they did anyway. i think depression can give us a very warped view of ourselves but also of how we think others see us. i also sometimes think that the reason some people didn't give up on me is because they somehow feared the same things i did.

Stagestruckgal said...

mister tumnus, you put into words what I couldnt. Niki, people are there for you cause they want to be, just like we are. we may be only here over the internet, but we are still here. if we didnt want to be here, then we woulda left a long time ago. dont feel like we have to be here, we just are. reaching out to people is ok, honestly. Im sorry im not good with this type of thing. *hugs*