Sunday, March 18, 2007

Forget you're broken and you might get fixed...

Last night whilst talking to the oracle who is Spencer at work, I had a sort of epiphany, if you could call it that. I was rambling on about something to do with the French assistant who left us each a bit of life advice; mine was as follows "You're irreparably broken, Nikita, but if you forget you're broken maybe you can be fixed" - or something along those lines. Me in my childish naivety didn't get it at first; well it is a little contradictory... But perhaps she meant that the past will always be with me, but I don't have to be with the past. It will always be in the past; I need to learn to keep it there, because right now I'm living that past everyday I wake up - and it hurts, a lot.

When I go to University (or should I say if) I will make a start at getting better; I cannot do it here where I so frequently 'walk into doors' or into four or five other people who've already hurt me when I walk down the High Street. I need to learn to be brave and go to groups; I need harsher therapy because as much as I love sitting talking to Dr H every week it's not getting me anywhere except to make sure I at least talk once a week, and deprive the health system of Kleenex.

So I send this to you, my loving void, as a fucked young lady; that is my truth. Who would I be if I weren't? Pointless question; I am me and whilst I am hurting so deeply right now, perhaps one day I can live with it.

4 comments:

mister tumnus said...

i have no doubt about this. as long as you keep searching for ways to be more well you will be. you can't possibly be a loser, then. it took me 30 years to get to that point of realisation (that maybe the past won't always have such a hold on me) and only then did i start looking for ways to get more well. you are already much more brave than me.

Stagestruckgal said...

hmm. yes, the past is with you but you dont have to be in tune with it. university changes a lot of people, its changed me, and for the better. ok, maybe i spend a little too much time on the internet, but im so much more involved in things here and running my own life is infinately preferable to being under the parental thumb. i have faith in you getting better niki, however and whenever you find it. *hugs*

Julie said...

Hiya

I left a town a year ago coz some terrible things happened to me there. When I left no one supported me they said I was 'running away'!! I knew better. I live in the city now with new friends and a new job. It worked out- I had no doubts that it wouldn't.

Moving away could be just what you need. Sometimes the changes that have been going on inside us can't get air to breathe and grow and flower while we stay in the place where bad things happened. Sometimes moving away helps us to move on....

Julie x

Rainbow dreams said...

Hi Niki,
I can identify with your feelings about this island and needing to get away to sort things out more. I knew I couldn't change until I went away, or even be the me that wanted to get out. It is a small place and can be very claustrophobic. Sometimes distance is needed to be able to think, and be, more clearly. Hang on in there and keep searching.
I quite like that advice from the french assistant...
Take care,
Katie
xx