Tuesday, March 27, 2007


The very first time I was sat in front of my GP regarding my *lack* of apparent mental health he told me that he saw a very angry young girl. This, perplexed me somewhat, I'd never thought of myself as angry before - and up until this past month or so I've never understood what he meant.
Last session with Dr H he noted how angry I appeared to him; as though my demeanour was forced because it was hiding anger. This, of course, was my cue to throw a fit. Luckily he didn't bring out the straightjacket...

Just recently I've begun to understand anger; I am usually stuck in periods of self-loathing - anger directed purely at myself. But now I find myself in a new world of anger. I can feel it rising up inside me; it takes so much strength not to shout and scream and just throw things. What scares me the most is the urge I've had to be violent; this is not good. I am not my father, I know; I would never act on these urges. But what if one day I did? Maybe that's what it's like to be my dad - anger that he just can't surpress. Even if I'm not being attacked or aggrivated by anyone I just find myself in angry tears willing pain upon myself and anyone who ever hurt me.

I am angry and it scares me. I've felt things very strongly in the past but predominantly sadness or ecstasy - this anger is like a whole new form of energy. It drives me to speed along the coast not paying attention; it drives me to go to the gym even though I'm not physically up to it (I passed out on the treadmill today; luckily no more harm was done to my poor ribs apart from further pain!), the anger drives me to do things I know are not rational but I can't stop myself from doing them. I HAVE to drive fast. I HAVE to exercise. I HAVE to write an essay.

I'm sorry for glossing over the car crash; I have a lot of shit in my head about it.


miss v said...

Salut ma petite *hugs*
Well, from years of counselling, therapy and other assorted bollocks, they always told me they could see a girl with a lot of anger.
But I've never been angry; I'm not an angry person. I'm psychopathically calm. And that is the type of person I think people are really afraid of.
From what "they" say, you could interpret that in order to work through whatever issues you have, you first have to talk about them, eventually get angry, then you're cured. Apparently.
I don't think that's the case for everyone though, just as not everyone goes for chocolate and self-harm, but it sounds as if you're on the right path darl! *hugs*

mister tumnus said...

hello niki.

i once gained some valuable insight about my own tendency towards anger/violence from someone who was leading a course i was taking. the first thing he said to me was that i shouldn't be terrified of that tendency, that it could be understood and dealt with.

the second thing he told me about was anna freud's theory of 'identification with the aggressor'; an idea which examines how children when faced with a frightening/angry adult can sometimes take on the charcateristics of that which they dread as a means of dealing with the fear.

this is simplfying it a lot i'm sure, but it made a lot of sense to me (me, as someone who was also very very calm- to the point where most people would never have believed i was capable of the utter rage i sometimes felt/ acted out on with certain individuals. of course there is a place for anger too. it's an important thing. but i was going way over-the-top sometimes and felt quite out of control at times).

maybe if it rings true with you too you could bring it up with your therapist.

Stagestruckgal said...

I agree with what Mr Tumnus has just said. Miss V talks sense too. Having not really encountered much about this, I cant really comment. But here I still am, cause I like you and I dont wish to lose you. Hope things work out soon *hugs*

Niki said...

Salut sparkle
*hugs* you make sense to me, my darl. Real sense.

Mr T; thank you for dropping by - I particularly liked your second paragraph, that seemed to offer explanation to a lot of stuff.

Laura thanks twinkle - thank you *hugs*