Saturday, March 31, 2007

My demons have a date with me

So; it's not been brilliant around here recently. I'll not go into all the details - mainly because I'm in a messed-up kind of way and only writing this to save myself from impending insanity.

It seems that years of winging it and doing pretty well without trying have come to an end; I got my report card yesterday and for the first time in my life I was sorry that my parents were getting a copy of it. I knew how those kids felt when they hid it in their bags and intercepted the post for years. Finally I'm seeing what the school have been telling me for years; I can't cope. I can't just turn up - that's not enough. By the time I get there I'm exhausted from just making it out of bed and into the car, intellectual thought is not high in my mind and this is not a great time for that to be the case.

I've tried to carry on these past few weeks - do whatever it took to survive, usually that gets me through the other side but now? Now I don't know what else to do. I've tried to write and to run and to draw and to scribble and to shout. I took the pills, I didn't take the pills. Neither made any difference. I cut, I didn't cut - I couldn't feel fuck-all anyway.

I let myself get the shit beaten out of; just because it's easier. Less fuss. I let myself. Nothing to do with him at all. So now I'm in bed; under strict orders not to move unless I want myself in an even worse state - which to be honest is looking attractive just now.

It's Easter holidays though, so at least I can reasonably stay in bed all day without being interrogated...

Just a quick thing though I want to say thank you to my best friend Saff; she called me last night and spent hours listening to me cry and trying to sort me out. She's invaluable and I love her.

6 comments:

Awareness said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Awareness said...

ok........that was me......I deleted my original comment because my fingers typed off-key.....

Niki....I'm so sorry your in such deep pain.....emotionally, physically.... I'm so sorry......

wish I could sprinkle magical healing faerie dust on your bed and on you and say a few magical spell words......

wish I could give you a magical sailboat with healing breezes

wish I could give you a big long hug and sing you a crazy song to at least make you smile....

know that I'll say a prayer of tears for you sweetie.

know that I will be thinking of you as you cocoon under the covers for a bit.

blowing you a kiss allllllll the way acroooooossssssssss the pond, right to your forehead.

Niki said...

Thank you Dana
It just hurts and I'm alone and it's just all a big mess...
But thank you

Rainbow dreams said...

Niki, I wish I knew how I could help, or what I could say... know I am thinking of you. It sounds so very hard.
I'm pleased you have friends you can call - it's good to know where our safe havens are....
take care, good care, Katie

Stagestruckgal said...

Oh Niki. You feel alone, but its good to have someone there you can talk to. I hope you stop hurting soon. *hugs*

Niki said...

Katie and Laura - and Dana; your words seeped into my head through the fog and I thank you.