Saturday, February 17, 2007

Tonight

This morning, I was on top of the world and the world could do me no wrong. I got out of bed even though I didn't want to and I peered into the world with a sense of relief; this is something I can do. I can get up and go and do things; I'm not ill and not insane. I was lying; to myself, to everyone I could possibly hope to care. I feel so painfully reckless that right now, were I not at work, I think I could viably cut myself until there was nothing left to cut; I could extinguish myself, my soul.
Recently I have been told/diagnosed with a, condition; an end to all my wonderings. I have been granted an explanation and hope rather than the uncertainty and prozac I've been man-handled into for years. But does it help me? No, rather it makes me feel even more than ever than I am fundamentally flawed; I am told that how I appear to others is not my true self, what then is my true self? Have I a self?
If you are reading this it is probable at some point that I will have hurt you, or pushed you away, or made you wonder what kind of monster I am. I am sorry. I have realised that I have pushed away the friends I used to hold closest; I go to college and go to class, then I scuttle away again to hide. I know when I'm brushed off by a friend that it is because I am no longer the kind of company one wishes to keep.
Tonight I feel not only foolish for writing this and placing myself in such a painfully public domain but also for even trying to convince myself that in a big old world such as ours I could be desirable; it sounds to you all like I am a drunk madwoman but I promise you not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips. I know now that people befriend me, or are befriended by me, and then wish at some point in our relationship that they hadn't. They will avoid me, they'll be convinced I'm nothing but an attention-seeking fake. And maybe I am; I've been told now definitively that I am not, but for some reason it doesn't wash with me.
So tonight I am stuck. Without company I will surely go home to my room and cut myself. With company I'll be evasive, I'll hide myself because revealing would be too costly. Tonight it feels so explicitly painful to be living, and so foolish for saying so.

9 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Niki, we're all flawed ~ truthfully honestly ,we are...
and we spend a lifetime searching for our true self, we all seek attention and need to feel wanted and cared for, we all hurt people and push them away, BUT sometimes we meet people who do care, who stick by us even when we push them away, who do desire us and value our very being...

Sometimes we have to listen to what people are saying, maybe their explanation/diagnosis is right and there is a way of helping, perhaps it is clearer than it was ~ I hope so.

I hope tomorrow dawns brighter.

Hugs, Katie, x

Awareness said...

HI there sweet girl. Can you send me an email.........my address is on my profile........

thanks.

d.

Stagestruckgal said...

Niki. Niki. We all hold friends dear and push them away at some point. After that, we become better friends than ever. If they still value your friend ship then they will stick by you. If this diagnosis is right, and there is a way of helping you then, as katie says, perhaps its clearer than it was. Just listening can make things clearer. You seemed ok last night, hope you're still alright.

*hugs* Laura xxxxxxxx

miss v said...

Always here for you, treacle. You hear me? ALWAYS. *hugs* XXX

Niki said...

Katie; my reason tells me that you are right but just now my mind tells me that I am infinitely alone. Thank you so much for dropping by. *hugs*

D; I've e-mailed you, hope I got it right.

I did it to you, too Laura; I needed so badly to talk frankly but I didn't. WEe've talked now though, thanks. *hugs* xxxxxx

Sparkle; you're amazing. *hugs* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rainbow dreams said...

I know Niki... didn't mean it to sound otherwise - sending out warm thoughts and hugs, x

Stagestruckgal said...

niki, please dont feel too alone. if you want to talk frankly without interruption, then email me, otherwise talk to me on msn. truthfully i dont mind and if you want to talk frankly then thats fine by me. xxxxx

Lolly said...

Okay i'm mad - i just wrote a huge comment and then blogger went mad and deleted it all.

:( Really sucks.

Anyway, think it went something like this:




Hi Niki

It's me again - sorry, you can never get rid of me!!

Hope you are feeling a bit better today - sorry to hear things aren't so good.

I just wanted to say that if you are feeling really down and you can't open up to people then the only person that can really help you is yourself.

You know you have loads of people here who would gladly offer you a shoulder to cry on, but, if you are anything like me, you will shut away and pretend everything is okay - who knows why we do it, but hey, guess we are just really silly. :)

So yes, in times like this, you have to learn to help yourself more. When I am feeling really down, I tend to try and find something creative to do; some people will sing, draw, paint, write etc. I tend to just make something creative, making sure it's colourful and makes me smile - it helps me to take my mind off things and calms me down.
I've learned that there is no point in me sitting getting myself in a state - and whilst this still happens i'm managing to stop it happening on a regular basis now.

Music is also a great way of influencing your mood so that could help too.

Of course, i'm not saying that all you have to do is throw on a cd, cut a bit of coloured card and woop Niki is cured!
But even little things can help.

Anything that will make you feel better:I know you are your own worst enemy at the moment, but anything is better than sitting feeling down and cutting yourself, right?

Not sure if it is much help at all.
Just wanted you to know that you aren't stuck like this - you can help yourself.
If you are so sad about how things have been in your life so far, then don't get stuck with them - make a deal with yourself to change them and have a more positive life.

Always here for you sweetie, you know that.

Lots of love,

Lou
xxxx

Niki said...

Thanks Katie and Laura - you're stars. XXX

Oh Lou; you wrote that all out again! You know what? You're my inspiration - you do everything I tell myself I should. I'd love to do what you do and not just sit and cut or lay and cry. I'm trying to figure out how to project myself in a different light without loving myself; cos that ain't gonna happen. I'm really scared at the moment and a mess but as soon as the fog clears enough I shall draw a picture, I think. You're brilliant Lou; I know I'm a bit useless but if you do ever need someone I'll try my best.

Love you xxx