Friday, February 23, 2007

Sorry, who?

I sat in my bedroom last night and decided to do my psych homework, which also tied in with Lou's suggestion of getting a bit creative. I spread out my huge throw thing on the floor and then laid down on it with packs of pens and crayons and a big white drawing pad. What was I trying to do? Identity. I was trying to discover what exactly it is that makes me what I see as this despicable creature placing these words before you. I went for the red pen and started to write and write; all of the phrases starting with 'I' and all of them representing how I feel about myself. Then I wrote my name in a black pen all over the page. It was a bit of a frenzied mess but it felt like therapy, I sat up and looked at it and cried, a lot.

Dr H suggested that a lot of my 'issues' lie in my perception of myself (no shit...it took him 12 years to study for that?!) so putting them all down on paper visually seemed like a good plan. I've stuck an equally large piece of white paper on my bedroom door so that anyone who comes to it can write or draw something that they think represents me, in a week I'll compare my drawing to theirs. See if anyone writes 'I hate you' like the vitriolic little bitch I abandoned at 11 would.

I was also discussing with the old oracle the concept of physical self harm; by that I mean hurting oneself instantly - not through the use of long-term 'fucking-up'. I myself maintain that self-harmers are not intrinsically insane, or mentally unstable as he would have me believe. I believe that the only common theme we have is self-hate, a deep-rooted and crushingly angry deploration for ourselves which leads us to believe that hurting ourselves is deserved and something 'we just have to do'. I also believe that there are differing degrees of self harm; I have talked to a friend of my sister's who is 13 years old and has been scratching herself for about three years now. I meet with her once a week and we talk; kind of like a mentoring scheme. I can see the stark differences between her and myself. This girl is not trying to grow up too quickly, this girl has no trauma, this girl is pressured by what it is to be living. She's lost and self harm to her is an expression of the frustration she feels, but it is a frustration which, she tells me, diminishes day by day as she makes choices and grows in herself. I firmly believe that if I were to visit her after I've finished University she would no longer feel the need to harm herself; I think that the idea of the health system hospitalising her and putting her on medication is sick. Then again you never can tell; often self harm blooms and becomes something which will never leave the victim and (I'm not denying it) often it is a symptom of mental illness; I just don't think that society itself should be so quick to say "Ugh self-inflicted injury! Freak! Lock them away..."

There have been times when I've been a danger to myself; right now I'm the only true enemy I have. There are going to be times in the future when I'll be sitting somewhere wondering where the fuck it went so wrong, so young. But I wouldn't exchange my mind for one which doesn't need to tear itself apart; not today, anyway.

6 comments:

Awareness said...

I agree with you......the health care system does it's very best to pigeon hole someone. We are quick to jump to conclusions when it comes to expressed behaviour because oftentimes the path to understanding is not available to us yet. We just don't know what causes what or what symptoms reflect something else. I'm not just writing about mental health issues either. Physical pain issues often don't have clear "roots".......there's no magic cause and effect thing...

12 years of training.....let's hope this person also learned along the way that no matter what the prevailing symptoms are, there is a beautiful human being attached to them........who is unique, who has a personality that is as unique as their fingerprint...... It matters a great deal.

These are the words I would write down in big bold colour on your piece of white paper. First of all I'd draw a massive rainbow, that reaches far and wide.....all colours representing big feelings and expressive creativity. Then, I would add the words.....

brilliance
complicated (in a GOOD way!!)
receptive
wise
girl
intuitive
sparkling
joy seeking
sky reaching
dreamer

Oh..........and the very best sailor!!

Oh, there's more, but I will leave them for another time.

d.

Niki said...

Thanks dana, lots.
Have had a very, very odd weekend. Have lots of evaluating to do.

Rainbow dreams said...

I think so often society rejects what it doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand...
and wouldn't it be nice if there was a blanket solution for all problems... instead of which we are all individuals who need an individual aprroach... for all situations.

When I think of you, I think of sailing, of a kind and expressive person, honest, wise and intuitive, sensitive and vulnerable, yet stronger than you think... so from what I know, that is what I'd add to your white paper.

Hope the odd weekend was in a positive way... hugs, Katie,xx

Stagestruckgal said...

gah, it deleted my comment, i shall return when im not late for a lecture.

thinking of you xxxx

Niki said...

Thank's Katie, so much. It was a negative odd, but it is over now. Time to start again. Day by day.

One by one
Day by day
Inhale, exhale
That's the way.

*hugs*

Hi Laura - thanks xxx

Stagestruckgal said...

yes, day by day, month by month, year by year. Thats how we go on. just breathing. but thats what makes us unique. we are unique people, no-one is exactly the same, even twins are slightly different. we may have different experiences in life, but these shouldnt make us the same as anyone else. the NHS do stereotype people, but thats just how they work, how they function. Always here if you want to talk. *hugs* take care of yourself xxxxxx