Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Beautiful Pain

I know you thought that you were getting rid of me but I missed my connecting bus so I've now got a few hours to kill before I have to catch the next one. Therefore I thought I'd do something that I haven't done in a while and pour out every single one of my thoughts. There are quite a few so unless you've got a strong stomach or are incredibly bored...I'd advise you to look away now.

I want to be close to someone, really close to them - in body and in mind. I have rekindled my Christianity in a vain attempt to find some peace, or something, in my life. Right now I really need someone, or something, and since I don't want to have to see my friends cry again anytime soon I found myself at Church. Despite what many of you might think, I have not gone mad. I have always been curious about faith since I went to Sunday School as a child and have watched my mother go to Church every Sunday since then. It felt like the thing I was missing and for the moment, it's keeping me alive. I know that it's a cowards faith as I'm only there really to cling desperately to some form of reality, but it's a faith all the same and maybe someday God will even forgive me for all that I've done and welcome me back.

The title of the blog is something I was thinking about on the plane this morning. Am I becoming too fond of depression? It sounds absurd of course but I wonder if just maybe a part of me is afraid of what I could be without it - without self injury and without medication and without therapy. What's left of me? What would be left of my life? Am I really relishing my pain? I never stop talking about it, making you and others feel uncomfortable. I think that the idea is not all together unfounded, although it is sad and slightly unnerving.

I sound like I'm having a mid-life crisis I know. At 17. I know. But to be fair I've done a hell of a lot in those 17 years and by some people's standards I have reached middle age. God. The truth is I am very unlikely to go to Uni, now. I can't afford it and though my father can he believes I should make my own way in the world, which is fair enough. But really I don't think I can. I don't want to become him or my mother. I would rather be a nun than spend my working life in Guernsey at some private bank going further and further up my own arse until one day I just disappear and no-one notices until I'm washed up at Fermain, or something.

So I have decisions to make. I have to choose a life. But first of all I have to choose a Nikita.

3 comments:

Nodders said...

Well alright, I won't bully you about your new chosen faith.

I hope you realise that me not adding a but to the above sentence should be taken severely sincerely! :) And I won't even mention it to Keir if you don't want me too ;)

It is certainly true, that if one person were to live in a constant state of specific emotion, their brain does become attached to the sensations and symptoms that follow it, and so while I'm in no way saying that you purposefully continue to suffer from depression, your body and mind, chemically speaking, may be a lot more stubborn in kicking the habit, as it were. However, it isn't impossible, with time and a lot of perseverence, you could break the bonds that are currently in place. Don't ask me how, I saw that in a film or something!

I really believe that you could still go to University, there are loans and bursaries available to you, and I know you're more than capable of working your ass off if needs be. And you DO have it in you to get the grades you need, and even then if you don't get them, there is college, or less demanding Uni's. I don't want to think that you saying now that you can't do it, is in fact a way of letting yourself of the hook prematurely.

Keep fighting Niki; here if you need me (whetehr you like it or not :P) xx

Abs said...

Hey treacle...ok, so my head's swimming and I'm so tired I think I may pass out, but I'll try to add a few thoughts before I do ... *wink*

God - He's not so bad if you get something from Him. If it fills the void, it's a good thing. If it doesn't then it just doesn't and that's ok too.
My God's an old testament God - a Jewish one, not a Christian one - he's a little different, but I do believe that what you believe is what you get, because He has that omnipotent ability to transform. If it works for you, then that's awesome; end of.

Are you watching the Stephen Fry thing on BBC2 about depression?
Although it centres on manic depression rather than pure depression, there's so much in there, I found it fascinating.
The main thing on there is that from all the people he spoke to and asked if they had the choice whether to press the button and remove the illness from their life, they all said no.
I'd say no too. Because although the nature of the illness involves so much pain and suffering, there are also such amazing moments, or bouts of creativity, that you just can't beat, that few people no-one who have not been touched by the D-stick seem to get.

Y'know? I am 21 soon and I still can't figure it out. I've been having a middle-aged crisis for years! But the thing is that there is no rush.
No need to panic either!
You can go to uni now, or after a gap year, or after five years, or - hell, after 50!
It is not life and death; it is not the end of the world. Although sometimes it can feel like it. That's just the depression talking.
Wherever and whatever you are doing are basically irrelevant as long as you are ok, that's all that really matters.
I am not living up to my potential. And it is unlikely that I ever will, but I am comfortable with that.
As humans we can only work within certain parameters - some of which can be self-imposed; others are set upon us.
For I know that I am ok (or as ok as I can be), right here, right now.
Just concentrate on being good to yourself; listening to your body; don't push yourself too hard or burn out.
With the mind, we are capable of anything...*hugs*
Be kind to yourself and have fun XXX

Stagestruckgal said...

Niki Niki Niki. what can I say. You dont want to go to uni, dont worry. Its not for everyone. If you dont want to, dont. If youre not sure, go and see, if you hate it come home. But give it some time. If you apply now, you have the choice next summer to go or not. if you dont apply you have set yourself boundaries that you will find difficult to break. i was having second thoughts about comin to uni, but i love it. its so good to not be constrained by parentals, its like freedom itself. just make sure you dont box yourself up. as for the faith thing, its perfectly ok. if you find He can help, let Him. In my opinion he is a non-entity but i appreciate others faith. try out new things, try to break the bonds currently imposed upon you. it might take a while, but if you really want it, you will get it. dont push yourself too hard. enjoy life whilst you got it, remember people love you, including God himself. hope youre ok. *hugs*