Friday, April 20, 2012


So since you last heard from me I... took an overdose.
Tuesday afternoon, a silly argument and the rest of my medication was down the hatch, as they say. The paramedics were lovely, the nurses were lovely but my mind was not. I discharged myself against medical advice after 5 hours of blood tests and ECGs and an IV drip. I had a splitting headache and felt violently sick - but I wanted to be home.
I had some apologising to do, to friends and to family and most of all to my boys. I will never be able to apologise enough, because I tore our family apart. I was selfish and I know it now.
The voices are back - telling me I should be dead, even that I might still die because I left hospital early. But I do have an appointment with a lovely psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully he will help me.
Also I got a tattoo, a beautiful butterfly. It's on my last scar-free patch of skin under my wrist and I hope its beauty and the difficult times I got it in, along with the beautiful man who gave me the confidence to do something for myself, will help me to positively see my way through future patches of depression and despair.


Gledwood said...

When you say the voices are back are you talking about literally hearing voices, or talking metaphorically about the dark side of your mind?

Maybe I'm lucky but when I hear voices they're either too vague to make out or else they talk about such random things or ridiculous things they're more likely to make me burst out laughing than anything else...

ps I have a friend with severely scarred arms who got a swirly leafy tattoo put on one. It worked really well and you just don't notice all the cutting marks anything like as much. Just an idea...

Nikita said...

Hi Gledwood
Voices to me are like a bad 'Jimmny Cricket' whispering in my ear. It's a collective whisper which reinforces every bad thought I already have in my mind. It sounds like someone right behind me spreading bad wishes.

Thanks for that idea, I was hoping this small tattoo would be a feature on my arms to distract from less pretty ones. But something bigger or more involved is a thought in my mind.

Hope you're well.