Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Isn't crisis supposed to be short term?

So this time last week I was in the crisis house, affectionately named 'Haven'. It was calm and peaceful and I had no responsibilities and even avoided the TV all night. I sat and read my book and messaged my heart out to William and friends. I made noodles and a cup of tea.
I breathed.
The next morning I woke up panicked. I wanted to leave, I had to get out. I met Gary on the way to the kitchen and he was so drugged up I couldn't understand what he was saying to me - he had been comprehensible the night before in the reading room.
So I ran. I booked a taxi and ran. I got home in full-blown panic mode convinced that the crisis team were coming back to get me.
Needless to say my escape did not go down well with the staff at Haven, but crisis team reminded me that I wasn't under section so could have left any time I wanted. Maybe my distressed, panic-stricken self could have been told that one earlier!
I didn't get on well with the Doctor they sent, she commented on how low my anti-depressant level was and how I needed anti-anxiety medication - then crushed me with a comment of 'oh well never mind'...
So since then I have been on daily visits. Trying to get meds adjusted. Trying to stop crying.
I'm told that I look better - I've showered and done my nails and everything. But I still want to hurt myself. Still feel I shouldn't be here.
But hey, I'm alive - right?


middle child said...

I hope your man is supportive and understanding. It's so hard when you feel the way you do. Even if you KNOW things will get better in an hour or a day, least for a little while, there is no way to see it past the despair you feel. Try to keep telling yourself to hang on for a bit. Peace.

Nikita said...

Hi middle child
He is the most supportive person ever, I am so lucky.
I am trying - just about to update x