Luck

I wasn't going to blog tonight as William is out and Alfie asleep, I was going to have some 'me' time and watch a film whilst staring at the christmas lights.

But then I read an article about pregnancy and bipolar, in it I read of all the risks to mother and baby when you factor in a bipolar mother.

The choice I made, to continue my meds whilst pregnant, was a risky one and it made me afraid at every scan, every check-up, everyday... But I felt that the risk would be even higher if I stopped medication all together. I didn't have all too much of a choice anyway because I didn't find out I was pregnant until the 2nd trimester.

Still I continued with my medication - there were no defects to be found but I was still scared.

When I eventually went into labour it was long and scary - of course! But I may be the first woman to fall asleep in labour. Anyway I had been in labour for 8 hours and I thought that nothing was happening. But all of a sudden my room was full of nurses and doctors and before I knew it I was getting a spinal block and it was all over!

I had never been so happy as when I saw William holding his son, and then... I got to hold him. I can't even describe how it felt - there is a picture of our first cuddle and despite me looking absolutely revolting, it is my favourite ever photo.

Alfie had to be monitored for two days to see if my medication had affected him - so that was another 48 hours of agonising wait. Plus I was stuck in bed and Alfie seemed so far away in his clear plastic crib. I never stopped ringing the buzzer for the nurse - to ask her to check he was breathing or needed his nappy changed or if he was hungry!

When we were discharged as healthy - that was when I felt that we had done it. We were both okay.

William tells me that everytime I had a contraction, Alfie's heart-rate dropped and the doctors decided to perform a caesarean as a matter of urgency. This coupled with the risks make me wonder what kind of person I am.

Was there any way out? I think so. If I had stopped the medication then perhaps I would have come to harm but there was more of a chance that Alfie would have been okay. Continuing it meant that Alfie had to be monitored throughout and kept William and I worrying for months.

I know now that me and Alfie are healthy but I was just thinking about what leads us, as humans, to make decisions. Did I even make the decision or was I coerced into it by my doctors? I'm not sure I even remember a point when it was decided that I would potentially poison my baby before he was even born - but I never stopped it, did I?

I'm not sure what I'm saying but I was just wondering, dear readers, whether there is any way of analysing a decision, if in fact there is such thing as an autonomous decision.

From the back of beyond

Hello there readers, I hope that you are all well and have been finding your way through the world without my ramblings of wisdom!

So what's happened since June? Well Alfie has grown and grown, he is 3 weeks off his 1st birthday and I just can't believe it. It really seems like just a few weeks since I was pregnant with him. Looking forward to it and scared out of my mind - one year on I'm still scared out of my mind but now I have a beautiful and clever little boy to 'prove' to myself that I can't be doing that badly.

Christmas this year will be the best yet, our tree is up and although it might seem stupid I sit every evening and just stare at our tree. It's the best I've ever had - 7ft and really full, we realised that we put 113 decorations and 200 lights on it! I'm not sure why but it seems to me that it is full of hope, the 'spirit' of Christmas. It's Alfie's first experience and he loves it! I just can't wait to fill our lounge with presents for him - though I'm sure he'll be more interested in the wrappings and boxes, I don't care because the look on his face will be enough for me. It'll probably make me cry - but then, what doesn't?

What else? Well I started at university - again! I'm doing english and creative writing and so far, I am really enjoying it. I'm keeping up with the work and attending as many classes as humanly possible! I met with my new mentor today and she was lovely, she's going to help me with my planning and time management - keeping my diary organised and prioritising what work needs doing and for when. I'm hoping I'll get a little further this time.

And how about the alternate universe that is my mind? Not so simple! I had - foolishly - stopped taking my anti-psychotic medication before uni started because it made me extremely lethargic and generally slow. It all went well until last month when Alfie was very ill and had to go to hospital. I started to get obsessed with numbers, I add up every number I see - from digital clocks to telephone numbers. I look for patterns and do everything in groups of three - I began to get paranoid about the prevalence of the numbers 666 and 999. On top of that I have developed a severe twitch in my fingers. I don't realise when I start doing it but when someone alerts me then I have to finish - in my favourite fashion, groups of three...

Long story short, I'm back on the anti-p's. I didn't want to but my CPN convinced me that they (with my other medications) are the only way to cling onto the wellness I have worked so hard to maintain. Already they are making me hungry for junk and extremely sleepy. There are moments - especially mid morning when I can't really string a sentence together, so if I'm at home I join Alfie in nap-time. William has had to drive me to uni this week because I don't trust myself to stay awake. I am hoping that it'll all settle down and after Christmas I'll be back on track.

So there it is, 6 months in my life - not too exciting was it?!