Stay with me on this one, please.
Today I enrolled at SkelmersdaleOrmskirk College, as a part-time student. I'm just going to be doing a counselling level two course... I hope it will earn me favour with the Uni people. I also hope it will make me a little more of a person again. I felt that since I had to leave Uni in April 08 I was useless, uneducated and my confidence was literally in tatters.
In April it seems I fell apart, and ever since then it's got worse of course - but more often it's got better. I don't have nearly the same level of professional support I had in Guernsey, but somehow Will and I have muddled along.
Whilst I signed up today and had my picture taken for my ID the smile was genuine. I was thrilled - made up to have been accepted. Until then I'd convinced myself that enrollment would be impossible.
Even now, it doesn't seem real. It might be a tiny baby step but it's mine, back into education and back into life.
On the other hand Will started his new job tonight, working 10:45pm-7:00am. So I'm all alone for five nights a week. Am I scared?
Petrified, is the word.
I'm not brilliant alone for a long time, let alone at night. But I'm trying... I took the dog for a walk, went to the shop and now I'm eating apple turnovers watching tv, until bed.
I'd be lying if I said I'm sorted for the night, but I hope I'll be alright. What makes it worse though is that I have my psych app first thing in the morning and Will won't make it back, even if he did he'd be too tired to come anyway.
The appointment I'm dreading... the psych seems to think herself drastically 'better' than me since she is mentally healthy and earning god-knows-what a year. Maybe I'm wrong, I'm sure she'll be fine.
Sorry for the diary-like approach to this, just needed a chat really.
About Me
- Nikita
- I'm Nikita and I'm whatever you want me to be. I am a bipolar nothing. A student with no course. I am a writer and a critic. I'm a southerner who strayed north. I read with closed eyes. I take anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers and anti-depressants. My arms are littered with scars. I'm a dreamer who woke up. I am in love. aloha x
My first ever award, Thank you Patricia!
4 comments:
Well done!!! I'm pleased you have the dog.. especially at night.. they can be true companions. I know that fear, am hopeless alone at night!
Have you met this psych? I hope it turns out to be better than you imagine..anyone who thinks of themselves as 'better' than anyone else should not, in my opinion, be a psychiatrist...it goes against everything they should be promoting..wil be thinking of you, and sleep well xx
Thanks again Katie :) Yes I've met her, I just don't like her approach that she is the only thing keeping me here, just because she clears my prescriptions every month or so. She's on holiday every other month, oh I don't know, just don't feel the same as with Dr H back in Guernsey.
Hope you managed to get to sleep last night, and that all your meetings today are going well. xxx
hope you find a way to level the playing field....you could hmmmmm say something like......
I just want you to know that if you don't treat me as an equal, my friend Dana said she would find you and beat you up.
writing is a good companion, and for me has got me through many a lonely night.
bon chance mon petite chou amie!
:) thanks Dana. I wimped out on it, but have booked another - and I am going to take what you said written on a piece of paper! Can't wait to see her face...
I have indeed started writing again. Following the upsetting discovery that I have lost two years worth of poems. They were backed up... but I lost the back up. ha
x
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