You know, I think Will's new night job might just be a positive thing for me - rather than a negative one as I feared.
Last night when he woke I cooked us both a meal - not usually in my itinerary. Then later when he'd gone to work again I fixed myself a snack, looked after the dog and tidied the kitchen and his (pig-sty) of a wardrobe. This morning I mopped all the floors, did the washing up and fed the pets... do you see a pattern emerging?
I'm up earlier than I ever was before, because I've got things to do I suppose. I hate to admit it but this is perking up my confidence substantially!
It set me to thinking. I've always, always been told that I don't put a great enough value on myself or my acheivements... to me, ever since my GCSE's I've been in decline. C's at A Level, dropped out of Uni, can't cook... anything I see as a tiny flaw I will attack myself over and over for. I don't think I do anything right, or as good as someone else - in my eyes everyone is better than me, and it's always been like that. Some people find it adorable, but most find it irritating and frustrating.
But these few days I seem to be building it up again... perhaps I can dry the washing, perhaps I can cook a few things.
Perhaps I'm not useless.
That's terrifying to me - my entire life is based around the premise that I am, ultimately, not good enough.
So at the same time at being thrilled of my new acheivements, I'm also slightly scared and cold at the thought of my long standing self-deprication disappearing.
But right now... I have to run to the chemist ;)
bisous
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4 comments:
Hey girl. YOU AREN'T USELESS!! Just look at the network of people who you touch and support here... That's a big thing.
I am happy that you're getting more productive. Productivity always makes me feel better. It is hard to get there, though! Way to go!
Hi Niki
Wow so good to hear all this. You're amazing, you just need to believe it.
Don't fret about qualifications, you don't need them to be amazing and be productive or reach your potential. So many of the 'professionals' I come into contact with at work are more messed up than my homeless, jobless clients.
It's what's inside that counts - and you've got it.
Hey Charli, thanks so much for your comment. You're so right about the productivity... it's one of those things we dread, until it's happenning.
Hello Julie, thanks for the reassurance... little by little maybe I can make it :)
This made me smile - am pleased you're feeling this. I have an aversion to cleaning since we had our self catering - I need to get back into it because it does feel good when I do!!
It's far too easy to believe all we have been told or made to feel in the past, but you need to know that you have true value, xx
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