Saturday, January 17, 2009

Back on the Doorstep

I had a feeling it wouldn't be too long until I ended up on all of your doorsteps... in fact I mentioned it to Charli just the other day on her blog. I try to convince myself that I am strong in solidarity, and capable of taking care of myself.
But the truth? We all need each other, sometimes. Yet no matter how many times I repeat that in my head... a little bit of me still feels not good enough. Not worthy.

In times past I may have just sat here all evening, crying my eyes out... shouting at the dog and hurting myself. Now, I am trying... desperately, to confide in you all. To reach out to you. To try to grab onto something to stop me falling.

Not easy, when your self-worth is practically through the floor.

The poem below is one I wrote as a stubborn 14 year old, I have taken it and tried to mature it. I wrote it about my relationship with my Dad, but have reworked it so that the controlling figure is bipolar disorder.

Only You

I am screaming
You do not flinch
Cannot move
I yell until
I just can't
Anymore.
You do not want to hear
Cannot hear
I need everyone to know
Someone to see
I want a way out.
Surely
I can break away
Now grown up
Matured
I am sure...
Until you walk by.
Trampling me
Crushing my spirit
Cutting my soul
I am silenced
Put away for another day.
Only you allow me to see
To be
To try -
Without you I'm unable to move
Unable to explain
Cannot move
Cannot explain.
I am controlled
Only
By you.
Please
Please
Don't forget me
Because only you
Can set me
Free.

7 comments:

Charli said...

Wow - the poem is really good. Really painful. How the disorder controls us and yet becomes us at the same time.

It is a terrifying struggle.

But we do need each other. This is a good place to scream. We're listening.

Nikita said...

Thank you Charli.

Tonight, I feel like I've never felt this bad. But surely I have?

Rainbow dreams said...

We all need each other Niki... you are more than worthy. I'm here for you too, x

Jules said...

Am here too Niki - I need you all too. We all need each other, 'hugs' Jules x

Nikita said...

Thanks Katie, and Jules. x

Independent Chick said...

You are an amazing writer. You don't even know how much this post touched me. Your poem, I read it like it was the relationship with my Dad... The last few lines, I now know that only I can set myself free. Only I can make myself happy. I am strong and I am capable. So are you. Stacey xx

Nikita said...

Love to you Stacey. I think I have broken free from my Dad... and bipolar has replaced him. So hopefully it's just a matter of time before I break from that too. xxx