Saturday, November 29, 2008


...I did it again. No matter how many how jokes I make about being reformed and a good patient and taking my meds. Sometimes I just can't make ends meet; sometimes the thoughts and feelings in my head overwhelm me so much the only thing I can do is to hurt myself. To pick up any object which could possibly cause harm (trust me my brain can find fault in a pair of tweezers), and use it in such a manner which would turn a lot of stomachs I'm sure.

And the result is one or two or maybe more abrasions on my otherwise milky-skinned arms. Angry, red marks which sting when I look and stab when I have to tell Will, marks which I pick at and peel away the fibrin, trying to make me better. Marks which aren't alone, but have at least 100 companions.

So all I can do is to admit it was wrong, patch it up and try to avoid my gaze for a week or two. All I can do is to say 'sorry', to anyone who has the misfortune to see.


Rainbow dreams said...

and all I can do is send love Niki... we all give into our demons at times, but that we keep fighting them is what counts...and searching for what helps make things better, xx

Jules said...

Hi Niki

I don't know if I have any words to help - I do know you have to get up again and again and again no matter how many times you fall. Keep getting up, look forward not backwards - and one day you'll stay up.

lots of love Jx