Saturday, April 21, 2007

The big H

That 'H' of course being hiding, or hidden.

All this week I have been being supported and guided and damnit downright cajoled into being around people at school and in the evenings in the probably correct thought that 'it'll be good for me'. So I did it. I stayed for all my classes, I did all my assignments and I gratefully accepted at least 10 hugs a day to keep me together, literally.

Until Friday. Friday I woke up and couldn't do it. Friday was a day no matter how many hugs I was going to get I couldn't be with people; couldn't be me, couldn't be who I am for them. So I stayed at home all day until I went to my psych appointment, which I have also been avoiding.

We talked, for the first time since we met three years ago in A&E, about my Dad. About his violence and his abuse and his alcoholism and his friends and...things I cann't write down even now. I sat and I spoke to my hands and cried into my skirt for an entire hour. I poured out every bad memory which had been plaguing me at night for weeks. I talked; not about my mood over the past week as I've spent every other session doing, or about whichever medication he thinks would be good for me. I talked. I don't know if it's wise but I asked to stop medication, so I'm now working on that.

I went to Dr H on Friday with a view to get myself withdrawn from his care (ironically he said I wouldn't have been allowed anyway) and came out from what was the first useful therapy ever. It made me sad and it made me cry but it made me stare in the face exactly one of the biggest things I've ever had to come to terms with.

7 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Niki, whatever or however you made it through to your appointment, I'm pleased you went.
I'm pleased it was a useful and helpful session.
It takes a whole lot of courage and trust to do what you did, and face painful and difficult things.

You're a brave soul, and it sounds like you're doing well.....
hugs from me, Katie,xx

mister tumnus said...

it is bloody hard work that you're doing. good for you, really. very good :)

Awareness said...

"H" also stands for hurt, heart, and home.....and hugs.

And a "huge" step forward........my goodness, Niki.... you may have been avoiding your appointments, but it sounds like it was needed to move you to a point where you could talk about your Dad.......

You poured it out........bravely and timely.

take care......

ps. I wish I could see you in the regatta in the summer! If I win the lottery, I will most definately be there xo

Niki said...

Katie, Mr T and Dana thank you so much for your encouragement. I'm having a tough week of it to be honest; feeling very bare.
I'm also wondering what the hell I'm doing trying to deal with this now? It's always going to be with me so why not screw up for another few years while I can?
I don't know. Funny old place.

Stagestruckgal said...

niki, i've just read your post and I think you are a brave, brave girl. I'm glad it was a useful session, and as for dealing with it now, it seems like you realised at some point that you wanted to, so dont give up now. You've come a long way already, we're all proud of you. I hope this finds you in a better place this week. *hugs* xxx

miss v said...

You're amazing, treasure :) *hugs*

Spiritbear said...

I found you through a link to a link. Anyway I read your stuff. Looks like you pour out your heart into this blog. I am sorry to hear about all you have been through. You seem to be holding up though. I dont know you, but I wish you all the best.