Saturday, April 14, 2007

And the ending never comes

I am struggling with some thoughts at the moment, some thoughts and images which I really hoped I would never see again. They are plaguing me and really they're quite difficult to come to terms with, to bear even.

I had such an optimistic week planned; and it fell through each day as my hopes and expectations were dashed; it was a fate I have trained myself to withstand yet this week I cannot decipher exactly what is going on inside my mind. I had lunches with friends but one way or another my daring and somewhat dangerously formed hopes provided no rewards. I let myself get into a position where I was at the mercy of others; and that's not something I like to do. Obviously I accept that I sometimes need help but I have not for a long time put my fate in another's hands. Until this week when I was reminded exactly why such barriers were created.

I wonder what's happening sometimes; I hate to drag age in again but I'm only seventeen - very nearly eighteen; should these thoughts and analysis even be coming from someone who as my mother so expertly put it; "hasn't even lived"? I think I've experienced a few misfortunes in the short amount of life I've had, but perhaps I am merely being melodramatic? I've never claimed that I have it tougher than anyone else, but perhaps I have it better than I think? I know that my entire life story is not told through these pages; some of it is too painful for me to type, let alone to put in public domain - so afraid that I am of rejection. I have found myself talking; via e-mail or MSN about things I wished I could forget, but am slowly realising that I won't. I've received a lot of beautiful words via e-mail from equally beautiful readers - but through reading this page alone my life-story is not apparent. I often wondered about writing it down, but who on earth would read it?

It's times like these when my mind is flooded and I've no idea what day it is that I wish it would just all end; but I am not suicidal - those thoughts come later when I begin to realise that it's just another day and those thoughts in my head are just there, all is calm in my mind when thoughts of taking my life arise. I have cancelled doctors appointments and all sorts this week; for I feel that I'm not worthy of the help I supposedly *need*. Maybe you think this is just the apathetic nonsense of a teenager. I don't know.


mister tumnus said...

sometimes i think the only real difference between younger people and older people is that younger people don't get taken as seriously.

can i reiterate, for what it's worth, that you are streets ahead of where i was at 17 in terms of being able to articulate a need for help outside your own head. try not to underestimate the importance of your boldness in this respect. and try not to keep yourself from grace because you don't feel worthy. grace is specifically for those of us who find it impossible not to screw up.

thinking of you. keep on keepin' on.

Niki said...

I feel like a younger person who knows nothing. Thank you though Mr T; grace is something I shall have to aspire to.

mister tumnus said...

hey, everyone knows nothing! but we are all worth listening to.

someone recently described grace to me as 'god's confidence in us that we can change'. i thought that was a brilliant way to put it. it is not something we can conjure up in ourselves, but something that we can relax about because it does not depend, in any way, on us.

i find that hard to understand. but i also think it makes sense somehow.

Rainbow dreams said...

Not apathetic Niki, aware, yes...

we all need other people, but that doesn't take away our autonomy and self, and if someone tries to take that away, then the balance is compltely wrong.

Our stories are our own, and everyone has struggles along the way - fairly recently I realised that absolutely noone has it easy, we are just thrown different challenges to each other, and noone elses struggles make ours any the less, or easier to bear.
What helps is individual too.
Would the purpose of writing your life story be solely for others to read?
Mr T is right, everyone is worth listening to.

Take good care, x

Niki said...

That's a good description there Mr T; something for me to think over during this wonderful 9hr shift - thanks.

You're right there with that life story comment Katie - I think to write it would be also for me to read it - but I'm not so sure I can do that just now. You too X

Stagestruckgal said...

I agree with Mr T. Younger people dont get taken as seriously. You're light years ahead of me, I'm 19 and still living in a fantasy world where I'm still 16 and life is good. It certainly isnt the 'apathetic thoughts of a teenager' as you put it. Its you and your thoughts, and you are special in every way. *hugs*

miss v said...

I'd like to say something profound, but I just can't think today, sorry darl.
But what I do know is that I live in my own little world. And I often think it's better that way; my imagination keeps me safe :)
And yes treasure, you are a million times further ahead than I was at 17. And even now since I don't look any older than that, still no-one takes me seriously either...the difference is that I really don't want them to, because reality is scary *hugs*

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

ah, the force is indeed strong with mister tumnus - her words are wise always - a wonderful description of grace....

i also find that those who think they are far from grace embody it beautifully imperfectly

Niki said...

Laura: thank you so much for continuing to support me - it's invaluable. Don't change yourself for anything - cos one day life might come along and do it to you, and that's a bitch. Take care of yourself. *hugs*

Abs: life is scary my sparkle I know, but you have to keep at it - keep trying. You're doing amazingly, don't let it get you. Thank you *hugs*

And Paul - thank you for allowing me to seep my madness onto your page these past few months, you've given me a lot to think about and I'm grateful. Good luck x

Thanks everyone - you've helped me a huge amount these past few...years in some cases! That meant a lot to me. I love you.

Awareness said...

Hey Niki........

do you still have that large piece of paper with descriptive words on it?
I'd like to add a few........

deep wells of feeling
open heartedly vulnerable

and never "sarky"......well maybe sometimes "sarky" a good way.

thinking of you.


Awareness said...

oh, and I want to add that Mister Tumnus summed up things so beautifully!!! I love the def'n of grace and will think about it over and over............ :)

mister tumnus said...

'sarky in a good way' is great! when i was at school this girl said she thought i would go on to write 'sarcastic books' for a living. at the time i was mildly offended. now i think _i wish_ !

Stagestruckgal said...

Yeah, its been a coupla years now, hasnt it. Gosh, those days on the Duke of Edinburgh forum. They're long gone. Sweetie, its alright. I've a lot to thank you for as well, you brought me out of my shell without realising it and I cant tell you how grateful I am. Hope the days are seeming lighter *hugs*

Stagestruckgal said...

oh, i didnt want you to have 13 posts so heres another one. *more hugs*

Niki said...

Thanks Dana, and Mr T and Laura. Lot to think about.