Saturday, February 03, 2007

Forever

Forever. I love that word, and at the same time I detest it; forever is how long people claim they will love you for, forever is how long you have to live with your past. It’s really just for and ever stuck together; conjugated to make a lovers word, a mourner’s word and a liar’s word. ‘I love you yesterday, today and tomorrow; I love you forever’; how many people have heard that and have believed it? It’s kept people going through their lives which bring them nothing but shit which they try to pass off as sacrifice for the ones they love; try to call it soul-making. Forever starts tomorrow but no-one knows when it began or when it will end, we have no reason to believe it will ever end and everyone’s forever began on a different day. Forever is like a promise which won’t necessarily be kept; it’s the type of promise which provokes the beast of cynicism who thrives at weddings and at engagements. If you have a bad memory; like the day someone you loved died, it feels like something inside of you has died when really something inside of you is being born; it is the ghost of forever that will haunt you from now on. Perhaps you have a trait, an addictive personality; that will be with you forever; forever will peer over an alcoholic’s shoulder as they order a glass of fruit juice, forever will taunt the drug addict as they walk past a forbidden alley. I have things that I will be forever, things that I will remember forever, and ghosts that I will try to erase from the grey shadow of my soul, forever. But forever isn’t something you can succeed at; you will stop being loved in quite the same way, your memories will never be forgotten, your lies will always be there in the mind of the person you cut down. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever. It’s an eternal promise and an eternal curse; it’s inescapable and elusive at the same time. I will live with what I have done to people, forever; and they will live with what they have done to me. I will wish my past away, forever, and whatever I do tomorrow will be done not with this in mind, but with a will to make forever a better place in my mind; a place which is dark but with shining stars, rather than a place which is dark and absolute. Not everything is forever, of course; or else where would the lover and the liar be? I will have scars, and make scars, forever; just like you, but I won’t want them to get lost in the quagmire of forever – some days I’ll want them to be there forever, as a reminder, but some days I’ll curse the forever and curse my skin and my heart and my mind. I will love the sea forever, I will be afraid of the dark forever; I will love not only calm seas and I will be afraid not only of the darkness in my mind but the darkness all around, and the darkness in rough seas.

8 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

Oh the fun we've had discussing forever and infinity with the kids.... :) round and round we go :)

The day I finally realised the full meaning of forever was when the children were born - suddenly I would always be a mum and all the fear and love and realisation was mixed in together...
Until then I only really saw endings i suppose, but then the world exploded into new possibilities.

Most of the time forever is far too huge for me to really think about, today and tomorrow are big enough... x

Stagestruckgal said...

she's right. today and tommorrow are big enough for now. forever is an ambiguous word - it has so many different meanings. some of which you outlined in your post. I hope it isnt gretting you down too much - forever is a huge word with huge implications. its over used by some people and under used by others. sometimes i want things to last forever and others i dont want to last even as long as they lasted. hugs xxx

Awareness said...

I can sometimes get lost in forever.....and then it seems to take over my thoughts. Then there are days when I seem to have a handle on "forever"

The same feeling when I'm looking at the vast sky.......at times it just overwhelms me....makes me fearful of what's out there....makes me feel really small and insignificant. THEN, there are days/nights when I look out at the neverending forever sky and just want to yell out WOW! BRING IT ON!

Forever.......you offered up much food for thought Niki.......as always.

Lolly said...

I don't think anything can last forever.

I have a very weird sense of forever - I'd like to believe it's true, but I have reached a stage where I believe that I have to live for each moment NOW and stop obsessing over the future.

So in all honesty, I believe that nothing will last forever: one year ago I was completely different, and I have lost so much of my life since then. But I have also gained so much.

The reality is you only live once - so we should enjoy ever moment we can and be grateful for what we have known and smile for what may be coming round the corner.
xx

Niki said...

Katie you have a point; forever is a huge entity to contend with...unfortunately I tend to spout pretentious rubbish whilst at work. X

Laura you're right too; forever can't really be a universal concept, it's all transient. *hugs*

Dunno about food for thought Dana...more a neverending paragraph of...well I don't know. But I understand what you mean with the sky. X

Lou I'm proud of you; you're doing so great my little star, so great. I can really only aspire to the view you have found on things. XXX

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

Niki, Emily Dickinson suggests that 'forever is composed of nows.' Yet in my experience the average human does not know what to do with this life, yet wants another one which will last forever.

Stagestruckgal said...

How you feeling Niki? Still like forever is a huge entity? It is, but hey. Just look forward to something, and the days will pass. It helps. Well me anyway. love n hugs xxx

Niki said...

It's a good point Paul; I think we could all do better to get on with this life rather than wishing for another.

Hey Laura I'm doing ok; still surviving. *hugs*